Living overseas, mum has cancer back home

[worldmk]

Hi All, Hopefully there are some out there similar to me.
Three weeks after my boyfriend and I got engaged, I found out my mum has cancer. I live in Aus, she lives in EU. Once I found out, that it was stage 4 and in a horrific state, I was on the first plane home.
After that, my fiancé and I decided to get married earlier, within weeks, so my mother can be at the wedding. I took 2 weeks off for the wedding and we went overseas again.

Her situation is getting worse and worse. I am wrecked with guilt I am not there.

My now husband and I are planning on starting a family in the next month or so, we are in our mid 30s and don’t want to wait.
But I feel so guilty, she is going through all of this with my dad only. I am not there to help. I am torn every day between starting a life here and what’s happening back home.

Thank you for your thoughts.

xx

I dread this everyday. Sorry can only offer words of confort.
Am glad to hear your DH is very supportive and you have to be prepared to deal with yet more heartache with you dear dather back home and possibly alone.
These are very powerful emotions to process while trying for a new life, mariage, baby.
Ultimately, if you can afford to, go back home as much as you can or start thinking about ways in wich to bring closure.
You have all my sympathy and sendîg your mum & dad lots of courage.

I've not been totally in your position but live in aus and my mum recently has a ? Thyroid tumour. She has a thyroidectomy and it was benign.
We had a lengthy tearful discussion about what to do. Life with at the time 3 young children. New life here .. Vs being with my mum.
We decided in the end that she would like me to remember her as she was. Not sick and dying. Ultimately I'm a nurse and I wanted to care for her. We decided that life will go on, that as we both knew in the end stages of a terminal illness patients rarely know wok is there. Often wait to die when relatives leave for a break etc.
It's very hard and an individual choice.
Can your dad come and stay with you one day? Look at future plans. Your mum may appreciate that too.

Hi world mk

I am so sorry to hear about your mum and her condition. am sure that your Mum doesn't want you to feel guilty but can relate to what you feel don't be too hard on yourself.

I take it that you don't have any siblings to share the load with.

Unfortunately this is one of the downsides to living on the other side of the world from your family and doesn't get any easier the longer you stay away. Not really what you want to hear I am sure. I sympathise with you and completly understand your feelings. Am sending a virtual hug.

is there anyway you can go to EU to spend time with her? this time is so precious. it may be something you might regret if you don't. but I can understand it may not be that easy to just up sticks and go to the other side of the world.

I speak from personal experience, been in the UK 17 years, family in Oz, lost my brother to non-Hodkins lymphoma 10 years ago had to get on a plane after he had a bone marrow transplant and it failed. I made it just in time, he died the next morning after I arrived. It was heartbreaking....

So 6 years later when my dad was diagnosed with terminal mesothelioma I upped sticks and went to Oz determined to spend what time We had left with him. It was hugely disruptive and expensive to us as a family, had DS1 who was 2 and was 4 months pregnant with DS2. BUT I wouldn't change it for the world I got to spend 6 valuable/precious months with him and he sadly died 2 days after my DS2 was born.

Am sure your Mum would want you to live your life the way you choose to even if it's in another country. maybe you can go for a holiday if going out there for a longer period is not possible. It's an impossible situation to be in I know.

I am not being much help I suspect just wanted to let you know there are others who have been through what you are going through so if you want to share/vent or whatever we are here to listen and help however we can.

Oh where do I start. First thank you all for your thoughts.
Laptopwieldingharpy tjhank you for your kinds words x
chloeb2002 I am sorry to hear about your mum's illness. My mum said she doesn't want me there. I think it's deeply unsettling her more, and she has also said she wants me to remember her the way she was. I am planning on bringing my dad over when the time is right. I cannot leave him alone.
She is in final stages, most of the time she wont know I am there. That was the case when I went home twice this year. Then I have to plan another trip home to be there for my dad too, so he is not alone. Do you support the sick or the living?

sandgroper, I am sorry for your loss too. It must have been heartbreaking losing your brother, and then your dad. I think what you did, moving back to OZ to spend time with him is a great decision. Yes, I can only imagine how expensive it must have been for your family.

I am an only child yes. Trying to build a life o/s, planning a family too, which we don't want to delay any longer. And while all that is happening home is heartbreaking. I am torn..Everything I know is falling apart. Yes you have to keep going and building your own life. How does one do that.

I think this is the fear we all have when we live abroad. I am so sorry you are going through this and I hate to think of how hard this is for you. DH and I have discussed this as his mother has been ill at various times however it has never been terminal. We have given my FIL support by getting him a helper and there have been quite a few times where we will surprise them with a week of shopping paid for. My SIL is also sick and when she was very poorly we paid for a home nurse and now a housekeeper. It isn't cheap but it is our way of helping out. For my MIL she needs to be in an elevator building so we bought them a place that they rent off us as owning is so much cheaper than renting for these types of apartments. We can't be there as DH's job is here in the US and DH doesn't want to be away from the DC.

Since you don't have DC's yet it does give you flexibility. Is it worth you taking a sabbatical to go spend some time with your mum and dad? It might only be 3-6 months but i know my employer have worked with people in this situation and either given the time off or found them a position where they can work remotely. I fully understand your desire to want to spend time with your family and I would be looking at ways to make it happen.