Raising first baby in a foreign country (which I'm often not fond of)

[DontBeBlueBeARainbow]

I moved to East Asia early this year with my husband (native), him to start his career and me to study his language for a few years whilst he got his career established and got some experience under his belt.

At that time we thought children were a few years off, so weren't too concerned in thinking through the ins-and-outs. I'm now 3 months pregnant, and whilst I've already arranged going back to give birth and for a couple of months postpartum, the thought of actually caring for a baby back here in East Asia, potentially with the help of my MiL, terrifying!

My language skills are improving (I'll keep studying until about 7 months pregnant), and I was obviously keen to come here originally but I think bringing up a baby with few native fellow-mummy friends, none of my own family, no job, as a non-fluent speaker, with different customs for raising children, is going to be crap.

Does anyone have any experience to share, ideally reassurance?

And just to add, whilst I had spent over a year in this country prior to my current stay, and missed it whilst I was back in the UK, there are many things I'm not very fond of and I think having a small baby will just magnify. E.g. the amount of smoking, lack of road safety, lack of mutual respect between strangers on the street.

It could be that I've not settled in yet but it is a real concern.

Are you in touch with your local expat groups? They can provide a wealth of advice and recommendations.

I can see how you might feel overwhelmed by the difference in types of parenting.
Don't worry too much about language because you will be speaking yours to your child.
Look for expat playgroups and try and do coffee mornings etc… if you can. You need YOUR space raising this child. Am sure that at times you will need it but equally am sure you will come to be grateful at times for all the attention and love to your child so you and your husband can have time together.
You can have the best of both worlds. Be very open with your husband about your fears.

I have a friend from Japan who could never adapt to her life in South east Asia. She felt completely washed out and thought so much about offending her in laws by moving towards expat like minded circles that it ate at her and created a huge irreparable wedge in her relationship.
She felt her husband was torn between loyalty to her and to his mother/sister etc… over very basic things such as feed & sleep routines.
You 2 have to make compromises and learn to let things wash over you!

Your child will know intuitively what the boundaries are for each set of parenting type and will grow to play with limits. That very normal and very structuring for his dual heritage. More so than if he lived in the UK. Just make sure you and DH are on the same agenda and let grandma spoil.

I had my first here in Egypt, so a different place but also one where extended families hold a lot of sway over you and you are expected to listen and do what elders tell you.

There are some things I think I did really well, such as not looking too much at UK baby stuff and comparing, putting my foot down ay smoking and unsafe transportation etc. Singing in English if I was too tired to talk to her or it would have been awkward. Other things I would have done differently.

These are primarily that I would have made sure I was not living with PIL when I had my DD. Tbh they were great but when I had DS last year abroad I noticed how many decisions weren't actually made by me. It isn't worth making a fuss over details but this deference actually left me quite unsure of my abilities as a parent.

Also stand your ground with using English with your LO. I didn't speak enough English at first and though it seems to have righted itself now spending too much time worrying about offending others was a massive waste of energy when I could least afford it.

As others suggested try to make contact with English speaking groups, especially if they aren't just made up of people on expat salaries. Sometimes that can be a bit demoralising.

Unwanted kisses and hugs were more of a problem when DD was small but now she just refuses.

All of these depend on your DP sticking up for you and telling people to back off when there are flash points. My DH is pretty good and has gotten much better with time. Also DD now sets limits of her own quite clearly which takes some of the heat off me!

Hi alteredimages that's really interesting to read and thanks for the advice.

I will try to think about boundaries and decisions to be made ahead of time, so that I can properly talk everything through with DH, but I guess with PFB it's going to be a case of seeing how it goes, as at this moment in time I can't quite picture me as a mummy yet!