Anyone else on a trip home being driven mad?

[butterfliesinmytummy]

I seriously wonder why we do this..... We've been abroad forever and have 2 dds aged 5 and 9. We go back to the uk every year, normally me and the dds to England, then dh joins us after a week and we spend the last few days (10 in total) at my dads house. Then we all troop up to Scotland to stay 10 days with dh's family. Then we try to get in a break in Europe just the 4 of us for a week or just more.

I am sick of the packing, travel, jet lag, present buying, dog to kennels, securing the house, etc. I've just been told by dsis that this weekend is inconvenient for us to visit because it's her birthday (yesterday, she's 39) and term time. She lives 2 hours from df and has come down to see us with her dh and dds. I have no idea why she can't celebrate another weekend. While I'm paying the ticket, I'll chose the dates thank you very much. I've half a mind not to visit next year, my df will come to visit us in the USA anyway and I'd rather spend the money on a couple of weeks somewhere really nice. Do home visits bring out the worst in you too?

Such a helpful post smartie

I went home last year for the first time in 3 years and had a great time but we were at my parents house and they had a big party so we could see everyone without having to travel.

We lived abroad for 5 years when DCs were primary school age. We saw GPs regularly, paying for them to fly out to us every couple of months (luckily an easyjet destination).

We found that 1 home visit per year for a week in October was more than enough. The DCs saw plenty of their GPs but we arent very close to siblings so the visits back were more than enough.

Part of the problem was that while we had set up our home in a way to welcome visitors (spare beds, places for GPs' things) the annual home visits to cramped bungalows were exhausting.

I suspect that if we had stayed away much longer then I think that the home visits would have become even less frequent. There just wasnt that much of a pull especially as the children became more local than British.

Yes, smartie, you just don't get it.

Why are you posting on living overseas smartie if you don't and can't understand why people live overseas?

My dh's work is overseas. We lived in Asia til last summer, then his job moved to USA. It was a case of relocate or lose your job. Neither of my dcs have ever lived in England and I left when i was 21, 20 years ago.

I planned 10 days including 2 weekends at my df's, hoping that my dsis could come down with her dcs for one of them. She doesn't have space to accommodate us at her house, lives 2 hours away from df, and her mil is round the corner from my df so I thought it would be easy. She knew about our dates about 6 months ago but apparently it's still inconvenient. She won't come to visit us in the USA, neither will dh's brothers or their families, my mil etc.

Our trip back each summer takes up nearly all dh's leave and a huge amount of money, I guess we do it so that our dds can keep in touch with their cousins, and they all play pretty well together so I can't see a way of not coming but really want to cut it down. This summer we are away for 35 days, it's getting ridiculous. Ironically we live overseas so that our dcs can see more of the world and we spend all our holidays staying with family in the uk.....

Next year it will be much shorter trip to the uk and another go a reducing our ever expanding wish list of holiday destinations...

OP I can see your dilemma and it's quite different from my situation. The combination of holiday entitlement and expensive flights would really get to me. Ours is easy because we can use cheap flights (I paid 187 pounds for all four of us this summer!) and I've just lost my job, hence the five months stay coming up.

mrsnec we pay for parents as they are retired although my mum still works part time. Actually this is a moot point really, as pils will not visit us again because I will not let them flush their bum wipes down my loo! The Chinese are responsible for many great inventions, but decent plumbing isn't one of them!

I am so with you OP. We have been overseas for two years and had one three week trip back last summer. I have been putting off going back this summer for exactly the reasons you describe. DM is adamant we can all stay with her, but she has downsized and there simply isn't enough space for us all. Hiring a car last time cost a small fortune. And to be honest, whilst it was nice to see relatives and friends, it wasn't an enjoyable holiday. I was PG and had a toddler, I didn't sleep well, we raced from one family member to the next at opposite ends of the country and the best week was in London, where we used to live, when we hired an apartment. If I could go back for a couple of weeks alone (or without anyone else knowing we were there) I would!

The other problem we have now is that both sets of parents are retired and travel extensively. Whenever we have broached dates with them recently for a return trip, one or other of them is away and so if we did go back at our convenience, someone would be annoyed that we'd missed them. I almost went back next week as we had a few weeks' lull, DH has a bit of downtime and flight prices were ok and DM is away so now we're not going. I might just leave it until next summer now as we have a family wedding we can't miss and the kids will be a bit older.

I feel your pain! People just don't get it when they've never done it.

Butterflies, I have just today got back to the US after 2 weeks in England and I feel exactly as you do. Not one person from our families will come to see us, and everyone expects us to travel to them. Dd is allergic to the air in England and was miserable for the whole trip. It costs a fortune and I hate it.

In addition, DH and I always had really troubled relationships with our families and find more than an afternoon with them pretty awful. In fact, I was on various threads on here lady night moaning about how miserable I was.

Really don't know what we'll do next year as me taking dd over is the only way to maintain family connections and even DD hates it now.

I get it OP - I have just booked eyewateringly expensive flights to the UK today for August. We will rush around and try and see everybody, those we can fit in will not appreciate it, those we cannot fit it will complain and we will spend a fortune doing it. By the time I get back to the office, I generally feel like I need a vacation...

The only thing that makes it worth it is the time my DS and my DH get with FIL, so that they maintain and build that connection, as he refuses to come and visit us, and to be fair, at 85 years old, I understand and forgive him. And we will go and see SIL's grave - she died a few weeks ago and I know DH misses her.

We try and get some time just the 3 of us, in a nice hotel, just enjoying English things. We go to watch cricket, eat fish and chips, spend time by the sea rock pooling and paddling. And we are planning a couple of days doing touristy things in London, which should be fun.

just hope you can look forward to next year then op it sounds like it will be more enjoyable.

Shanghai, that explains it. We have dodgy plumbing here too and guests still try and flush bum wipes and it really annoys me.

You've all convinced me that I wouldn't really get anything out of a trip back, but that maybe we should do a one off when we have dc's and when some of the relatives are too old to travel.But just not to get pushed into doing it every year. Might just send Dh on his own until then.

Interesting point upthread too about gearing your house overseas to accommodate guests. We are definitely like that. We are having an ongoing argument because dh wants to keep a kingsize bed in the nursery in case we get 3 lots of visitors at the same time.

Sorry to hear about sil spamm but it does sound like you made the most of your trip.

I have been in the U k for 3 weeks . managed to miss sister most of the time as we stuffed up and both booked hols at the same time. We take it slowly stay with the GPs are not guests , we help , shop yes have fun days out butdds fit in with family life and we have fun !. Wouldn't change it . No racing round the country .woyld love to see cousins and such but I don't bust a gut about it. I diddn't see a very good friend this time but she is a very good friend and understands. Still haven't taken them to London (8,5) not seen much really but it works for us so will stick to it.

I try to make the trips about more than family, for the same issues.

I think the complaints about not meeting everyone's visit demands need to fall like water off a ducks back.

I try and stay in hotels as much as possible, and never stay more than one night in other peoples houses. I also am able to drive over so I use the opportunity to fill my car with salad cream, dairy milk and Primark stuff.

I tell people we are over for a shorter time than we are, so that I can have time alone with DS. A lot of the visit is about connecting him with the UK, as Spamm mentioned - seaside fish and chips and all that.

I spend the entire time staying with various family. At MIL I am only allowed out of her sight when I go to the loo, if I go to my room she spends the entire time sitting in her chair waiting for me. She won't even do things like unload the dishwasher, she just waits for me. All normal activities are on hold and we have to spend every moment being happy together.

For all the family, if I attempted to stay in a hotel they would see it as a massive snub and never forgive me. None of them really get what it is like to raise a kid with ASD so there is immense pressure to curb DD and she ends up horribly unhappy with other people telling me that I should be stricter with her. I leave feeling like not one if them thinks u am an adult but they all treat me like a naughty child they have to control and put in place.

I have plans to send DH next year.

7 years on and not a trip back to the uk! Dh has been twice with work. First time he drive from London to Yorkshire every weekend as they couldn't go to him.. Next time he drove from Scarborough to Darlington as they couldn't go to Scarborough. Urrr so no desire to hurry back, to run round after family who have no intention of making our lives easier, dh family won't visit us despite 3 children they haven't met.
Ds1 has special needs and I fear he would drive anyone nuts who isn't used to him. My mum is great visits us but lives in France. Even she finds as hard going in longer bursts and will house sit locally on. Her next visit here to give her some space! So staying with family is out. Let alone a house with enough space for 4 kids
Cost wise about $20,000 aus$ would be a fair guess for 4 weeks in the uk. Again I have better things to spend that on!
It may be out choice to "leave" the uk. If family or friends choose to not visit as we "left" then their loss!

If your DSister doesn't want to see you then I would just assume that...she doesn't want to see me. Simple. Hurtful but simple.

The trick to succesful trips home is (a) have very low expectations of what you can achieve (b) coming from the US, especially with DC, make no plans at all for the first few days. Get over your jet lag and acclimatize, the people you are staying with will still see you (c) never tell anyone your dates of travel (d) don't assume that people's lives aren't as busy as yours, just because you have "left them behind" (e) keep at least a week free to do impromptu what you would have planned in advance: seeing that friend who lives an hour away, staying overnight at that cousin who lives a 3hr train ride away. Somehow, this works waaaaaay better than planning in advance.

Separately, try to do an incognito trip once every couple of years if you can. This is a short trip where you tell nobody you are visiting. You can indulge in all your private pleasures (visiting places you miss, the shopping and eating, the relaxing the babysitting on tap). Feel no shame in this.

I think that next time we'll just do a fun holiday trip to the UK with. Abut if going to see family rather than almost all seeing family with just a bit of free time. An hour at the motorway services was my break on this trip and it doesn't quite make it as a highlight.

People say that visitors are like fish after 3 days, they start to stink. Well being a visitor stinks as well. Definitely need to break it up and have some down time. Being on beat behavior just isn't possible for that long.

Dd is also fed up that no-one comes to visit us. Ever. Cos it's too much to expect of them.

We're just back from 3 weeks in the UK and I said this time was the last. It's taken me 2 weeks to recover. I still want to go to the UK on holiday as I think the UK is amazing, but I'm not running around anymore trying to visit family who never make the effort to come and visit me.

We are just back from two weeks in the UK, after 12 years away. We did a mix of our own stuff and family stuff and that worked well. This was a once in a lifetime trip, FIL paid for a good portion of it because he wanted us to come over and celebrate his birthday. It would have been about $20,000 CAN overall and there is no way we could have afforded that. We did not stay with family at all because nobody has a house big enough for the 6 of us, likewise, we rented a car because nobody has a car big enough to transport us. We crammed every day full of stuff because we knew this was a one-off, and to be honest, by the end of it I think we had all had enough. It is hard work when every single meal is eaten out and you are trying to please 4 kids with different eating preferences, plus I am a vegetarian. We visited 5 different places so there was a lot of packing up and moving on, but again, it was probably our only chance to show the kids these places.

IF (massive if) we had the chance to go again I would prefer not to be rushing all the time, and just able to stay in one place for a bit and do not much of anything. It certainly was not a relaxing holiday and I still feel wiped out from it. We felt we had no choice but to cram as much in as possible since we can't realistically see another opportunity when we can all go together again.

God I hated the annual trip home as a child. Work paid for it (in the glory days of expat packages) but we'd be dragged round countless aged relatives and expected to be friends with cousins we saw onece a year for a few days. And then DParents would bugger off for a week to themselves while we were passed round relatives for a night here or there.

And as DM found it all so stressful we didn't do any other family holidays. Ever.

Please don't - this is exactly how I feel - I put all the effort (and expense) in and they can never be bothered to come back. Maybe they're trying to tell me something.

We are having the best time - in a Premier Inn at an undisclosed location...going to the cinema every night for our fix of non subtitled films, and meeting friends and family in a nearby shopping centre for lunch/dinner.

Will never do futon surfing again. Or make definite plans. The people who make the effort to see you at short notice are the best IMHO!

Vague is the key!

Completely understand OP!!! We keep in touch with people via Facebook, Skype, Face Time etc... and feel like we are in regular contact. Will make a trip 'home' every 5 years or so, but have enjoyed the most amazing 'local' holidays for far less money.

Always happy to host visitors who come to us, but it is also expensive for friends and family to travel to us, so there is often not a huge amount of hosting to be done.

Works well for us...those worth keeping in contact with do and those who don't matter as much, don't. The trips 'home', because they are so infrequent are much more meaningful and memorable (but completely exhausting, as you well know!)

Leaving today for a holiday in France thank goodness. Spent the last 2 days cleaning my mil's house (which I don't think has been touched since we did it last year) and helping bil and sil shift bookcases, vacuum and tidy their kids rooms (they are completing a loft extension). Happy to help but need a holiday!

We are kind of used to this as DH and I are from different countries so we have always had one of us with a "home" overseas. We quickly realised once we had children (actually to be fair it was fine with just one DC as you don't have so much stuff, or need so much to be in a comfort zone!) that going to see DH's family was not in any way a holiday! Therefore we went a maximum of once every two years and tried to fit in a trip for ourselves as well - not always practical. Fortunately despite hating travel his whole family did come to us once for a European holiday and this cut out one trip making it four years!!

Now we are in DH's "home" country and also very far from his family so we have even more potential duty visits. We now have 3dc and have done one trip to his family in our first 2 years (3 hour flight) and none back to the UK - even though there are a a lot of long term friendships in UK for both of us. Luckily my parents have travelled regularly to see us (and we would pay if money was an issue).

I basically put my foot down and said that we are only going to have so many holidays while our children are young, those are really important family memories to me and I'm not going to spend lots of money and annual leave staying (as a family of 5) in a 3 bed bungalow where I feel neither relaxed nor comfortable!!

I am going to try and hold this way of doing things until the DC are older and more independent - at which stage we can start doing our duty visits to older family members, whereas for now our parents are young and fit enough to duty visit us.

However, we will do visits to UK as I think identity is important - and oldest 2 DC were fairly old (oldest mid primary) when we left the UK so they clearly have friends and memories there - my DD keeps in touch with her UK friends by facetime, email etc the same as I do. Therefore a big visit back for 3-4 weeks will be on the cards in the next year or so (however that will be after 2.5 years of no visits and we will spend some money going to do something fun for us - also my M&D very fortunately have a "guest floor", which is really comfortable for the 5 of us - we are lucky they didn't downsize before we left as they discussed it several times If we stay here we would probably consider another visit in 2-3 years but will definitely not do the typical expat trail home every August - for one thing holidays/flights etc are extortionate at that time to go anywhere in Europe which seems an unnecessary expense.