Right, background information, I've been living here for nearly 7 years. 3 children, husband is disabled. I'm sahm currently. For the last few years non stop I have wanted to die through sheer agony of homesickness. Every single day of my life I spend thinking about my "home". I'm from Southern California, I moved here when I was 18 looking for adventure, met my husband. La dee dah. We went back for christmas in 2011 and I've never gotten over it. My husband has 2 children who live here, one he hasn't seen since she was 2 and we are waiting and praying she gets in contact (now 14 and we have been through the courts to try to get contact of some sort - she just wont respond to anything but we wont give up) the second is a 7 year old boy who visits every weekend but we have no say in how he is brought up. This is all fine and we're happy with it.
My husband wants to move to the USA "one day". Now is not the right time according to him. Every day I suffer with this "I want to go now" repeating in my mind over and over, its insanity. At my worst - usually PMS related I dive deep deep into a depression and cut off all contact, loose interest in local goings on and really just wish i could abandon my family. My husband has anxiety issues and hes unable to work. I feel like his clone now. I used to be so spontaneous and out going, loved life to the max. I am indecisive and anxious depressed. My mothering is gone down hill I used to be crunchy but I just don't even care anymore, I'm mainstream disconnected and that is weighing on my mind. I cant cope. My family are very close and my in-laws are distant. My husband does his best but in my opinion doesn't scratch the surface. Hes changed maybe 12 nappies out of 5,000. He has learned to do laundry this year and has cooked "man meals" of chips and sausages for the last 4. If i cook he doesn't eat it unless its chips and sausage. I need way more support than I get from him I need way more positive support that isnt from an anxious person who makes me anxious. I need my mom.
The real problem is in the last few months my mind has gone from "how do I get him to see my problem and try California out for a year or two?" to "do i really want to be married to this man?" and I cant talk to him about it, I have already spoken to him thousands of times and that conversation between us is beaten to death and buried under 10 feet of dirt, its not coming back. He has told me if I leave him I will be the worst mother on earth. There is no negotiating or at least no way that I can see to move on from this horrible situation that is destroying our family. Please give me advice tell me what im doing wrong or right, anything!! I need outsiders to help me view this differently.
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I'm suffering! Please help.
20 replies
asutty5 · 03/07/2014 16:33
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