Homesickness? Not feeling at home ^anywhere^?

[NotQuiteCockney]

I'm home in Montreal at the moment. I enjoy it here, I love it here, but it makes me sad. I don't belong here any more, and it makes me feel I don't belong anywhere. Which is ridiculous, really, I've been in London for 9 years or something, and I know a billion people in my neighbourhood. Also, mostly, I quite like being foreign.

How do other people deal with being permanently foreign?

NQC ... I know exactly how you feel about not belonging anywhere ... I am exactly the same but it is the way I have been my whole life. I was born in South Africa, moved to Spain when I was 2, Holland when I was 3, England when I was 6, back to Holland when I was 10, back to England when I was 18 - lived in London for a year, Exeter for 4 years, then Surrey for 9 years. I have lived in New Zealand for 4 and a half years and in January will be moving to Australia!
I have no home town really and place that has roots for me. I call England 'home' because I am British (my parents are British) but I was really hoping to set roots here in NZ - but it isn't meant to be yet.
I like being permanently foreign ... I like having an accent that people note.
The only way I manage with being a nomad is to do what my mother and father did. Basically - 'home' is where my family is ... it used to be where my parents and brothers and sister were, now it is where my husband and children are ... I make a home wherever I am and make my family my focus.
Hugs {{{}}}

Having said that, I am not a 'homebody' ... I don't stay at home all the time and knit or anything. I am lucky enough to run my own business from home that I can take with me anywhere and I am a pretty sociable person - I make friends pretty easily. I have learned to be thick skinned and not become too attached to people as it makes moving hard but wherever I end up I tend to make one or two close friends that seem to last my nomadic life - the internet is a great thing ...

NCQ I so know what you mean! I've been here in greece for 20 years and although I speak greek and have embraced and love the greek way of life I am still and always will be a foreigner. When I go home to the UK i also feel like a foreigner there!

I sometimes dream of coming back to the UK permanently, but I know in all reality that it wouldn't be the same. I think in my mind i imagine going back in time and being 28 again in 1980's Britain!! I don't know what the answer is really.

Yeah, I think coming home reminds me I've aged - I was 25 or something when I left here. I'm not 25 any more (shocker!). I know very few people here now, and lots of things have changed.

I don't dream of moving back, but I do think about spending a summer here.

Is your family all in Montreal?

No, my Dad spends part of the year outside Toronto, and part in Mexico (maybe? might change plans), my sister is in Toronto, and my half-brother is in Winnipeg. My friends are in Montreal, or my old friends, anyway.

Yes can empathise with this, NQC. Being a brit who has lived abroad all over for donkeys years I had no urge to settle or feel 'at home' until I had my DS then things changed. So being a great believer in my instinct I am now attempting to settle with my Kiwi partner in his homeland. I have come to settle in a country which has many simularities with uk, strange after being out of the uk for so long as I don't feel very british. Guess I am proud of my vast experience and that keeps my confidence up of being always a stranger.

I would be so proud to be Canadian, never been there but is high on my list of 'one days'

Good luck for your moving plans Ghosty

I think a big part of my problem here is the aging thing. I come back to Montreal, and I don't know many people, and lots of things have changed, and I am old. I was 26 when I left here. It's a big change.

It strikes me now and again. My grandparents, to whom I was very close to, lived as expats for over 75 years, so it didn't feel so out there for me. I also lived abroad a lot before the net, cheap phone calls, etc. Made it a bit easier when I decided being an expat for life was for me.

But I never felt I belonged in the States when I was there.

Now I'm away, however, I do feel a sense of belonging w/other expats, if that makes sense.

I'm 35 and have lived a total of 13 years abroad now.

Some days, however, I feel very foreign.

I don't regret, however, that my kids won't have the American high school experience, b/c I didn't and I found it all a bit silly.

I feel like I don't know it anymore, though. I've not set foot there in 5 years, and it'll probably be about 4 or 5 more before I do.

But I'm expected by many to be representative of a culture I don't really know anymore and many of whose values I disagree with.

Going back is always a strange experience, as you say people, things move on but your memories are fixed, it's bound to make you feel nostalgic.
I myself have three places I feel strong connection with and the longer the gaps between visits to these places the more nostalgic I feel on returning.
Did you feel a stronger connection with London and your friends there after your visit to Montreal?

How are you NQC? And everyone else?

I'm due to leave "home" to return to the UK in about 6 hours. Very mixed feelings about it, as it's been a lovely break. I've adored London for so long, but over recent years, for many political/social/economic reasons, it feels a different not-as-ideal place.

Life is so easy and pleasant here at "home". I'm apprehensive about getting back into my tiny London flat in a crowded, dirty, expensive city. Maybe the answer for me is to make a huge effort to take full advantage of the wonderful things London has to offer. Otherwise, why put up with the very real negatives? But I keep wondering if my love affair with London is ending, or if it's simply a momentary period of disenchantment....

I sometimes bond automatically with other expats, depending on their attitude. The ones who whinge about the UK all the time wear me out (shocker).

I do appreciate London more when we get home. I guess. It's tricky, my friendships here are almost entirely with people I've only met since having kids.

Earlybird, where is "home" to you? We're lucky, we're in zone 2, we have a lot of space, and quite a good neighbourhood, particularly our immediate neighbours.

We don't do that much with London, but I do try to take DS1 to a museum at least once per week. Oh, and DS1's new school (this week!) will take him on fast trips to some good museums, too - on foot!

NQC - "home" in London is Zone 1, so we're perfectly situated for easy access to many of the city's wonderful special events and exhibits. We make many visits to museums, etc and it's lovely to "pop in" rather than have a formally planned full day out.

I think what I'm missing is a community. Not being from here (no family), being single (no dp/dh to consider), and a mainly professional "history" with the city - well, there's no area outside the centre to which I have an established or logical personal draw. Moving out of the centre (and to where?) to get a sense of community would be a huge gamble. If I'm going to have to start over, wouldn't I do just as well to go back to my own country?

I'm rambling and woozy with jetlag (just back a few hours ago), so both the emotions and articulation are fuzzy at the moment. Sorry not to make more sense, but will try to post when I can be more succint.

Yeah, having no community here would suck. And you can't just expect to parachute into an existing community, of course not. I didn't know anyone in my neighbourhood until I had kids, and even then it took a little while.

How old are your kids? Are they at school? That tends to provide a local community, of sorts ...

You know, I read about a month ago, that the British are leaving in ever increasing numbers to go live elsewhere. By far, the main reason for leaving is that they want a better quality of life, and think they'll get it by emigrating.

DD is an only and she's 5.5. School has been a good source of contacts, but the families at school are only maybe 50% English. The rest are largely a mix of European and American. In some ways, many of us are in the same situation regarding community, and it is a unifying thing. I just somehow seem to have got myself in with a group of people who, while mostly very nice, are not on the same planet as me economically. I walk into their houses, and think "good lord, one floor of this house is the size of my entire flat!" I live well, but feel the poor relation next to the bursting bank balances of this little corner of the world. I don't want to compete, but sometimes find it difficult to relate to the extravagance that is their daily way of life. I also wonder what it is doing to dd's value system, and her sense of what's "normal".

It's complicated, and in some ways, boils down to "what exactly is quality of life"?

Are you still in Montreal? When are you due back in the UK? How did you choose the area where you live now in Zone 2?

I only really started to feel at home here in the UK once my eldest started school and I got to know more people locally. Before that I was working full-time in a different town and apart from a couple of women I had got to know on maternity leave, didn't know many people here. It was hard to make friends through work because it was a very male dominated industry. Most close friends were people I knew before I came to the UK or other ex-pats.

I feel much more "settled" here now and actually felt slightly homesick for the UK when I was on holidays! I used to think I would move back to my home country one day but feel that is more unlikely as the years go by. It has changed a lot since I left and the things that would have drawn me back once may no longer be there....

I do think it is very common to feel like you don't belong anywhere when your home country (and you yourself) have changed over the years but your new country will never really be home (a friend from home who has been in the UK for nearly 20 years was talking recently about how English people don't really "get" his sense of humour). An Irish writer (who had moved to the UK) once wrote that the only place she felt at home was on the ferry going between the two countries....

Hmm, I wonder if a lot of people moving are moving because they're dissatisfied with their lives, generally, and believe moving will fix that. Which may well be why I moved, on a level, but I'm pretty happy with the move, so whatever ...

I think people having different financial resources is a normal part of life, and your DD will probably be aware of that. Hard to know what impact that has on people - did you grow up in a situation where all your classmates were from similar financial backgrounds? (And where is "back home" to you?)

I'm back in the UK now, got home yesterday. We chose our bit of Zone 2 because I felt I would be working in the City or Docklands for years (which I did) and wanted to be able to bike in and out. And of course, because going east or south is always cheaper than north or west. We looked at some bits of south London, but didn't take to them, and went for East London finally.

I sometimes go home and am homesick for the UK. I do miss some things, although mostly this time I just missed being home, being in my house. It's been a really chaotic year, my mom died, we had huge renovations, and we spent far too much time away from home.

I too used to work in a v male-dominated industry, and have only one friend from those days. Well, there are a few of the men I wouldn't mind being in touch with, but I'm not motivated enough to bother ...