At the crossroads: Returning down under or not? Your experience?

[Drofoxnow]

Life in London is not the same as it was pre children and we don't regret that for a minute. Our children don't know any of their family in NZ. Nor do they understand what 'family' is, they think its their friends.

As a result, we decided that it was best for all (but especially the kids) to return to NZ. Now that the wheels are in motion (but still reversible) I have found a new love for all things UK. The castles, the plethora of amazing man made activities and opportunities, Europe and travel and education. This is somewhat different to how I felt pre decision which was it as crowded, dirty (London) and takes too much time and energy to do any of these things. Not to mention the commute and lack of family support, the emptiness of Christmas and desperate need for family closeness. Not sure if my brain is playing tricks on me or if I really should be going or staying.

My question is this: If you have been at this crossroads, which road did you take and how was the journey. If you could take that decision again, which way would you go?

I was at that crossroads for years, battling homesickness after the birth of my first DC in London. I have a UK spouse though so things are slightly different and somewhat complicated as we are always missing one half of the family!

We did return to NZ but missed our UK family too much and returned. I thought I had prepared properly and knew all the downsides to adjusting back to kiwi life, but there were still things that surprised me. The nice thing was to feel at home. Being near my family was nice but a bit of a shock too after so many years. What I dislike in the UK is that it is very difficult to replicate any sort of kiwi life here, not much laid back about the UK, but as you mention there are certainly many advantages.

NZ as you will know is very expensive now, standard of living I find is much better in the UK in that houses, cars, fashion, variety of food, restaurants, travel etc is much better here, but quality of life is excellent in NZ as long as you have a decent income. Food, meat tastes better but less choice and very seasonal (which I like) but no popping to M&S for a nice pudding or treat. Auckland property prices are insane, but as you're in London it wont't be too much of a shock, however not many people on London wages.

I am not in England anymore, but we do kind of regret coming back. Education for our children where we are is pretty dire and I really wish I had looked into that element more before returning.

It is difficult making the adjustment back, set yourselves a period of time to settle in (some say 2 years) and then evaluate from there.

Try not to burn all your bridges in the UK. Could you go on a career break?

I say do it, based on the factor that you want your children to be surrounded by family, just remember that you as parents need to be happy too. It is perfectly possible to grow up not surrounded by family, just depends whether you want to do that or not.

Prepare yourself to be comparing for ages, integrate yourself back like you are an expat, try new things and find new friends as well as rekindle old friendships. I found it quite difficult but not impossible to integrate the new me, with the old me....it takes time.

The way I look at it, we are lucky to have the choice of two great countries to live in. You just have to make the most of each country's strengths and don't look at FB at all during the UK winter when everyone is at the beach and on holiday! I love the UK Xmas but I miss simple summer holidays.

We have returned to the UK and are renting and being a bit apprehensive about putting down too many roots until we decide whether it is UK or NZ for us!

Good luck!

We are a British couple that moved to Sydney, so not entirely the same as NZ but similar in distance, and then found like you that after kids, life was not the same & the lack of family was a distinct disadvantage - not in terms of practical support but just maintaining levels of contact, being in the same time zone even! We moved back to UK when oldest DC was about to start school as we also did miss the things you mentioned - range of activities, heritage, etc

Are you definitely stuck in London if you stay here? If at all possible, consider a move to a different part of the UK to see if you might find that makes up for the negatives of London. However, I suspect once the seed of family considerations has began to take root then you may find the lure of NZ still appeals & you might have to go to find out once & for all!

Interesting thread! I'm a kiwi in Germany, with one DC. Looking to return at some point for similar reasons to you Drofoxnow. Although we are slightly different in that DH is German and so part of our family is here.

I yearn to go home if I'm honest. Life is so much faster paced in Europe. People seem obsessed with possessions - judging you for what sort of car you drive, 10 year olds caring about fashion, etc. In the winter we all seem to get one illness after another (more crowded maybe??). Plus I cannot make sense of the give way rules on the road, although DH insists they are logical

That said, there are things I would miss from Europe. Amazon springs to mind...

Tough one really. If it were just me I'd be back in a flash. But I do worry a about DH and the DC. Would the DC just leave NZ for Europe again as soon as they were able? That sort of thing.

Oh dear, we will probably be burning our bridges if we go back, because of the exchange rate. Both of us are professionals so should be able to earn well in ,NewZealand, both of us are kiwis so that should help. But have been away more than 15 years, him more thannme. Have we reached the point of on return. Will I be short changing my mother staying away? Should we just go and make it work?? Both of us are depressed here so something has to change!!

We're two NZers with one six year old and have been here in the UK for 13 years. Ten of those were spent in London and the past three in the northwest of England. Before moving to the northwest I would have happily boarded the first plane out to anywhere - I was exhausted from the difficult years with a young child, no family at all, and no nearby friends as they were also leaving London. But now I'm in Cheshire and I've fallen in love with England all over again. We spend our weekends exploring the lovely countryside that is on our doorstep and London is less than two hours away by train if I need a big-city fix. We can get to Europe easily. We can afford private school for our child because the fees are literally half what they would be down south. We have a great group of friends here. Northerners are wonderfully open, friendly and welcoming and don't seem to be living quite so frantically as people do in the south. When I first moved to the north I suffered more from homesickness than I ever did when I was in London, because there are many aspects of being in the north that reminded me of NZ.

I had been worried about my child growing up not knowing NZ or her wider family. But as I see her develop I am becoming less and less concerned about it. I can see that the way in which she is parented matters more than where she is parented - we are bringing her up to love the great outdoors in England just as we would in NZ. She is getting a very well rounded education - she knows much more about art, history and languages than I ever did at her age. From a perhaps slightly selfish point of view, my own needs are met much more here in England than they would be in NZ. I think I would get bored and restless very quickly if I was back there. From England I can share my love of travel with my daughter - she is a wonderful travelling companion and has been with me to countries as diverse as Morocco and Iceland. Also I think ahead to what my daughter might do when she is older - highly likely that if we took her to NZ for the rest of her childhood, when older she would just end up heading off on her Big OE and I would feel trapped in NZ without access to the things and activities that make me tick.

What has helped my decision to stay in England longer is that my family ties are not strong. Our family in NZ live in a small town in the South Island of NZ. Even if I was to shift back to NZ, I would have to live at least a couple of hours away for work so still would not have any family support. I think we get better quality time with family by visiting for a month every two years from England rather than a couple of weekends every year from within NZ. When we go visit, every one is on their best behaviour so family politics don't get in the way. It does seem to be the closeness of family ties that is the decider for many antipodean families in the UK - from my friends that have emigrated back downunder, all did it to be closer to grandparents. I don't have that pull, which I am sad about, but unfortunately that is the reality of it. I think in many ways my daughter has benefited from me being able to parent her without much influence from my own parents.

So good luck with your decision, it's not an easy one and one you might grapple with for a long time. My advice to others facing this is that you will probably have regrets whichever path you choose - so choose which set of regrets you want to live with. I doubt there is a path I could take that I wouldn't have some regrets about, so no point trying to find it!

Thanks stilla struggle, sounds like you have found a wonderful compromise. My London friends are 50.50 on leaving London too. Some are going, others seriously thinking about it. It is part of the decision to leave, almost as if I'll be left behind. I had considered moving to another part of England, but my husband does not want to. He still wants to be able to see his family too and can't deal with the long haul a well as he once could. He's older than I am. So, in a way, NZ is almost the default option. Parents getting older and less able to cope on their own, our nephews and nieces growing up without us and not knowing us.

Its almost like I don't see another option but I am terrified it won't be the right thing nor work out. I know its up to us to make it work, but I can't see how based on how I feel at this point in time.

London is great and offers every man made thing you could ever imagine, but at what cost??

I think it depends on what you value most. After ten years in London, a wonderful city, we over to California.
We do not miss London, the long grim commute, the cost of housing, the packed feeling. We values ten greenery, the nature, the ease of life commuting by car in California. Actually we dread trips back to the uk and keep putting them off...it will be 5 years soon. Family have visited us here. We like not being beholden to family somehow and live a free life over here.
UK has a lot to offer but we just prefer the beauty and space of the US. I would feel depressed if we had to return to live in London in some uninspiring semi 90 mins out of London. Maybe if we earned a fortune in the uk we would have felt different but here in the us we have the lifestyle that makes us happy....the uk for us was expensive for what it delivered and just the commute....urrrghh..it gives me chills thinking of it....that urban grimness of London once you have kids and you want pure air and space.....

I find this such a fascinating subject, we're poms down under so it's one of those things that comes up in conversations a lot!! We've had a few friends who've relocated back to their home-lands and then come right back again. I think they are glad they did it and now feel a lot more certain of where they want to live, whereas before they went they always felt torn.