Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Living overseas

Whether you're considering emigrating or an expat abroad, you'll find likeminds on this forum.

Original poster

Heartbroken with UK Visit

17 replies

PinkLemons · 12/04/2014 00:46

We moved abroad at the end of last August. I've settled in well to my new location and I have made a great start so far.

We came back as a family at Christmas and were rushed off our feet trying to see friends and family! We managed to fit most visits in and left exhausted but happy.

My parents were due to visit this Easter but due to selling their house it all fell through. I was left feeling a bit homesick so DH booked DD and me a flight back to the UK for Easter but at short notice.

Lots of friends and family have asked when they can see me so due to limited time I decided to hold a bit of an impromptu party for this evening. Most people, said they could come. This was mainly friends and neighbours as we still have a house in the UK.

Two people turned up. Some gave last minute excuses and some simply did not turn up. I feel absolutely gutted.

I suppose it hurts that I have travelled 3500 miles to be here and some can't be bothered to even let me know that they don't want to come. Sad

Is this typical? Is it out of sight out of mind? I just feel crushed. One friend has changed her entire week to see me as much as she can but it feels like everyone else just can't be bothered!

I appreciate that it was short notice for all - just a few weeks.
I think it's just occurred to me that expat friends will move on and those back home just move on without me.

OP posts:
CrystalDeCanter · 12/04/2014 00:52

So sorry to read this PinkLemons. How awful of your friends to not turn up to a party. A few weeks is plenty of notice imho. They're just crap and I don't blame you in the slightest for feeling upset, I'd be heartbroken.

However, having lived o/s for the past 8 years it is hurtful to realise that only a few old mates make the effort to stay in touch. Even in this digital age where emails etc are so easy. You do fade out of mind easily. Some of my very bestest friends who I love dearly never call, email, fb or anything. AND IT HURTS. However, when I do go home and we do see each other we get on famously like I never left. This is when I make the effort to go and visit people though. I've never expected people to visit to see me, even when I've travelled 12,000 miles home.

BASTARDS.

Original poster
PinkLemons · 12/04/2014 01:14

Thanks Crystal. It's the awful realisation that I can't just slot back in that hurts I suppose. A few friends have moved everything around to see me which makes me feel good! I guess you realise who your real friends are!

OP posts:
Funnyfoot · 12/04/2014 01:23
Wine

I am sorry you feel so let down. I would too.

But I wouldn't take it personally. Life gets in the way for all of us and even though you had this time free ( a holiday) most of your friends wouldn't. They still have jobs and children and commitments.

It is so easy to get caught up in the here and now you do not realise the opportunities you have missed that doesn't mean they don't care for you.
Your life has moved on and so has theirs you just don't feature in their everyday consciousness. Don't fell crap just be happy that you know them and they are still there just a little further away.

Hoppinggreen · 12/04/2014 09:10

I appreciate you feel upset but how much notice did you give?
We have friends who moved abroad , we used to be so close but the last 2 times they have been over we haven't seen them.
They tend to offer us a " slot" and if we can't make it that's it. Obviously we make an effort to attend said slot but it hasn't been possible recently.
They came over a few weeks ago and we were asked to go to another town one evening for drinks, we had no babysitter available that night and DD had a sleepover arranged so we couldn't go.
I think they have got the hump now but although I miss them and would love to see them again sometimes it's not possible to drop everything or rearrange our lives around their visit.
It's not on to just not turn up though.

maggiemight · 12/04/2014 18:23

It's Easter hols here in Scotland so people could be away, or maybe they like to see you on your own and a party isn't the same.

echt · 12/04/2014 22:46

I think the point here is that people said they would turn up and didn't. The short notice doesn't come into it.

Rude and hurtful.

Thanks, OP.

PassAFist · 12/04/2014 22:54

I think that is fairly common, sadly. Their life goes on as normal, yours has completely changed, you have less and less things in common.... It does make you realize that even if you upped and moved home things would be different compared to how it was when you left. It makes ME feel like I will never feel at home anywhere again, not in the new place and not in the old place either.

HRMumness · 12/04/2014 22:57

I've been in the UK for 10+ years. The number of friends I keep in touch with back 'home' has really dwindled. I've realised that the people who really care, will still make an effort but others that don't, well I have let those friendships go in place of focusing on friends here instead.

Try not to let you get it down, some people really just are out of sight, out of mind.

mercibucket · 12/04/2014 23:01

they shouldnt have let you down Sad

but a party, while practical for you, is also not a very 'personal' invite to friends who might want either a small group (uni friends or neighbours or colleagues) or 1:1

we stayed in touch with most people but we had to do all the running. fair enough imo. it was us that left

Thanks it is hard
tribpot · 12/04/2014 23:15

Yes, I wouldn't have been surprised if you hadn't had many takers for a party at short notice, but to have had people accept and not show up seems very hurtful. Did you call them to ask where they were? How many people are we talking about?

It's school hols here in Leeds, too - a lot of people wouldn't be available. Although it would be nice if everyone could drop things because you're back, it's not really possible. (Again, not an excuse for promising to come and then not doing so). Crushing when you have come back specifically because you were feeling homesick.

Btw, what my brother and his family do when they come back at Christmas is base themselves in a big country cottage and invite people to see them. It is extremely regimented and everyone is instructed to cook at least one meal whilst they're there, etc, so my bro and his wife don't end up run ragged for two weeks - they're still completely shattered when they fly home to the Far East at the end but at least they haven't been charging around the country. Worth a try once in a while, although you probably need to write off the Christmas hols as a time for recharging the batteries for a few years!

I think what I'd do next Easter if people can't visit you is plan a fab holiday wherever you're living now. Use the time to get to know the area better and take advantage of the travel. Maybe even fly someone out to you if funds will run to it.

Hairylegs47 · 13/04/2014 04:26

Aah, that's awful, but not unusual. Before we left the UK, we had plenty of 'good' friends, sadly, we only have a couple now that keep in touch. Some of it's out of sight out of mind, some of its jealousy and some of it's just life getting in the way.
For your next Repats, do exactly what YOU want to and tell folk 'On X day we're in Y, come by for a coffee'. You'll have a much nicer time.

differentnameforthis · 13/04/2014 09:12

we had to do all the running. fair enough imo. it was us that left

It's not fair enough, friendships take work, it is a two way thing.

OP, as I said in my pm, my brother & sister did this to me. It hurts too much that they couldn't be bothered.

mercibucket · 13/04/2014 12:28

well i suppose it is a choice between doing most of the running or losing touch. you might prefer to lose touch if people wont make too much effort.

i'm sorry your family have done similar, that sounds v hurtful Sad

some of our family have emigrated and it can feel like you have been abandoned. do their actions stem from this perhaps?

differentnameforthis · 13/04/2014 13:46

do their actions stem from this perhaps?

In my case, I don't know to be fair. We kept in touch via email/fb, I would send cards, small gifts for the children, then a couple of years ago she suddenly deleted me from fb & stopped emailing/answering.

She knew I was going to to be in the UK, because a relative told her. When we all went to see her & her family, she refused to show herself.

My brother, still chat via email/phone, but gave us an excuse.

I dunno, I left with their blessing, it was a hard decision, but they both supported me & said they would do the same if in my position.

They are my siblings, I don't see why I have to work harder than them. I took dd2 home, they have never even met her Sad and they couldn't be bothered.

differentnameforthis · 13/04/2014 13:50

I should say that I arranged a get together that everyone agreed to be at, months in advance, even making sure I choose a date we could all do. Everyone agreed to go (bar my sister, as she deleted me from fb, but a relative arranged for us to see her)

My brother claimed his wife was sick. Didn't stop him posting his party pics from that day on fb.

mercibucket · 13/04/2014 17:14

Sad Sad Sad

Bonsoir · 13/04/2014 22:50

Friendships at a distance are not the same quantity as friendships in your day to day life and you have to revise your expectations. If you have left, you will have to do the running in the relationship.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread