Feel dumped by friends as leaving. Trying not to feel hurt

[SouthernHippyChick]

Returning soon and been on the cards for a while. Mainly fairweather/circumstantial friends here but had trusted a couple and thought was closer. But phone's stopped ringing, mails unanswered. feel a saddo and rather than stewing in a pity party, should be planning like mad as tons to do. Pah! Trying not to feel bitter, friendless and full of regret. Nor hanging on the tailcoats of others. Anyone?

Thanks, Up, lovely , much appreciated

I agree, i feel i can only pretend so much, never been good at it, genuine connection is all for me. Expats are often not what they seem, indeed, indeed. rarely seen so many feckless, narcissistic, alcoholic, mentally unstable people in one place think this life can unhinge you.

Apologies, apologies, kettle...black! Obviously am an expat myself and less than perfect, just rather jaded now!

Oh bloody hell yes. The alcoholics and fuck-ups. I started off single as an expat, had an epiphany and didn't want to do the bar stuff anymore - nobody wanted to do lunch or cinema - just getting pissed. Which was great at 25...

At least the alcoholics have a hobby... I wish they would give the PTA mums a drink.... And a grip...

My brother & sister did it to me. Couldn't even be bothered to meet up when we visited last year (first time home, they have never been here). It sucks. But I have learned to expect nothing, so anything more is a bonus.

Funny thing about expat life. Reminds me a bit of uni life - where people meet for a while and move on. I remember wanting to 'pull away' a bit from friend-acquaintances when I was about to move on. It's sad when you're present in body but not in spirit so to speak. I had an expat friend who was like this before going back to UK - bit like a ghost friend I suppose.

Integration and making friends - roots more broadly - is a challenge that I drastically underestimated too. Though I suspect once an expat always one, even if I were to move back to the UK, I'm not sure I would find reintegration very easy. Sigh.

Oh yes, I wanted to say I recognise the alcoholic type too! Bloody hell, what is it about?

I have a friend who returned from China with his wife & 9 year old child after 3 years.

They went to visit his family in Yorkshire, they were there 5 minutes before his mother & brother started to prepare to go out to a "family do"
He had to point out he was family & then sit there while they called round to check it was ok for "them" to join

I hear "oh uptheanty has changed since she left etc".., actually I'm quite the same in many ways but it has changed how others view me at home.

Reintegration is much more difficult than many think.

I found that people I had known and thought of as friends for 7 years stopped communicating with me before I returned to the UK. At the time I was also really hurt and it took a long time to recover. I have also found it really hard to resettle in the UK as have the DC. They just do not feel like it is home and constantly ask to go home as they were all born overseas. However DH wants to stay here as he loves his job. Even though I had a bad experience with some 'friends' I feel ready for expat life again. Luckily we are all Australian citizens so I think that will be where we finally settle. However as others have said we now approach life differently and are more self sufficient in our own little family, though we do have some really great friends that have become closer and more important than some family members...definitely keeping away from the alpha mums at the school gate they are way to scary..

I have lost a lot of friends over the years. A couple of (what I thought) really good friends that I stayed in touch with through years of travelling. One friendwho we had dinner with a few days before we left the country just stopped contact the minute we left. Weird and really hurtful. I still don't getit actually.
I didn't think at nearly 50 years old I would be so friendless. It makes me quite sad to think that all the people I have met and befriended over the years have been nothing more than acquaintances really.
I tried to reintegrate back in the Uk in 2000 but I think returning back to my rootswasn't the best plan. People kept pointing out how different I was. 20 years away will do that to people.
When we return to the Uk next year it will be to a completely different part of the country.

Ah, weird. Posted yesterday but my message somewhere still out there.
Meant to say how hurtful that must have been to be dropped after 7 years, people can be so callous!

Shame it's such a common phenomenon, but must say reassuring for me and makes me feel less Norma-No-Mates!

Still pissed off though.

Scott- ikwym, makes me question what friendship, ALL friendship really is? Is it all up for question when things change? What's making you go back next year?

Am slightly dreading the reintegration phase, must admit. And The Weather. But at least we know this, just need to book stuff to look forward to.

I have been questioning a lot of friendship things lately. I have had 3 friends for over 20 years who have vanished. Being dumped by someone you think will be around forever feels a lot like a divorce. I still question my part in the break-up. Could I have done more? Did I somehow do something unforgivable? Can we at least talk about it?
Letting go is hard, but like any relationship it take two to make it work.
I think it makes it all the harder as I don't have any friends here so I reeeeally miss the comfort of an old friendship.
I know I will never forge that kind of relationship with anyone else. People only know the person I allow them to know now. With old friends, they just know you, warts and all.
I have just had an interesting conversation with a neighbour/friend.
I introduced her to a third person as my neigbour she asked me later why I didn't say friend It wasn't a conscious thing, I just don't see her as a friend friend more of a good neigbour.
Friends I see a lot, we chat, have coffee, do things with the kids, actually have some sort of relationship.
Even though she lives across the road, we haven't spent any time together in 3 months, we never do anything together or with the kids, she doesn't know anything about me, I don't know anything of her, so no I don't consider her a friend.
I have become quite guarded in my interactions now with potential friends, I don't want to get hurt again. I am too old and tired(cynical) to lay myself out there again.
Moving back as after 4 years here I just can settle. I am a SAHM, living in the back of beyond with a dh who works away a lot. I am lonely.
If someone shouted Norma!! I would probably answer too SHC.

Feel for you, but you are a Normal Norma, maybe with just more of a tender heart, that's all! That's what i try and tell myself.

Scottswede that's exactly why we moved to a different area when we came back. We were only away a year, and there were places for the kids at their old school. But we were changed by our experience, and we wanted a fresh start (tbh no-one really gets what we've been through, why we did it, what it was all about etc.). I can recommend going somewhere new.

It's a real challenge, but I think you need to stay as open as possible despite bad experiences (unless you're truly happy being lonely). I've had some bad experiences with other expats (not friends but people taking advantage of our good nature) and for a while I was suspicious and withdrawn. But then I realised it wasn't fair to tar everyone with the same brush and I needed to give people a chance. It's been better since this low patch.

Your story swede was very similar to something that happened to me - someone I knew fairly well introduced me as her neighbour and not as her friend. It made me feel like I was being held at arm's length and she was a bit embarrassed by me, so not nice feelings at all. Perhaps that's how your neighbour feels?

Thats true. Not sure i can be bothered, to be frank, but you're right.

I think people don't mean to hurt you but in expat life, friends are often for a time and a place. Some will stay in touch but it is sensible self preservation to put energy into those who are near you. If you accept that as normal for this kind of life, you can appreciate those friends who have made good companions for the duration of your posting.

Keeping in touch regularly with a large number of people you will realistically see again is time consuming and interferes with life. It's pragmatism, not necessarily superficiality to reduce contact.

It is best to say nothing of an impending move until 6 - 8 weeks beforehand, when you start preparing - the later the better as it is hurtful to see invitations -mostly from those on the periphery of your life surely, if you think about it - dry up. I am sure if you think about it, you will take away the continued affection of a couple of friends. That is pretty normal, I think.

Aargh, have a from me.

We are in the same position; heading back to the UK in the summer. Have recently told our friends (here) - very few long term residents, mainly a transient community but with plans to be here for a other 2/3/4 years. The invitations have really dried up. I overheard some school mums planning a night out with partners that we would definitely have been included in pre-announcement. And my DS's best friend has invited him over far less, but has been having many other children home from school to play.

I think it's partly self preservation, and I understand why parents might want their child to branch out and not become too attached to a child who is leaving soon. But we'll still be here for 6 months, and the world is small these days. It makes me so sad, I thought some of these friendships were more than just social convenience. And I am especially sad for my son, who was upset enough about leaving his friends anyway, without these additional complications.

It's not everyone though, as Slipshod says. I still have a couple of great friends here who have not dropped me like a hot potato. But nevertheless it's starting to feel like it will be a long 6 months.

We are moving back beginning of March and have only just told people. I do get the sense as others have said that there is nothing personal in getting dropped a bit: the expat mentality is automatically to "factor out" people who are leaving! That said I was expecting people to say "really, oh yeah, bye then" and some people are genuinely sorry to see us go. Some mums from school have even organised drinks for me which I definitely wasn't expecting.

Much I am looking forward to in our return, much I will miss too. I have been abroad 10 years. Some of it happy, some of it less happy. But definitely feel now is the right time for no particular reason. 10 years is a long time. Not kidding myself I will go back and slot back in like a hand into an old glove. I am looking at it as much like a new chapter as when moving foreign countries. But very much looking forward to my mum being half an hour up the road for tea rather than 14 day visits!