Moving back to UK after 9 years in France - starting to have wobbles

[peppersquint]

I've been in France for nine years - me, DH and DD (16).

Like most folk I thought it would be "forever" but over recent years I've been feeling very restless and as DD has got older we know that moving back is the right thing to do.

I'm so grateful for the things that life in France has brought but as I get older I've realised that the things I miss in UK outweight the good things here.

The good things about France are that DD is bilingual, she's made some great friends, she's been very lucky and has had a great education, we live in beautiful countryside, we have a very spacious house, we've been able to live the "Good Life" (small holding, animals etc..) I'm lucky in that my DM and her partner also moved over here (in her own house) so I've not missed my relatives.

However, I've been stumped by the usual stuff - language barrier in getting a proper job (my usual job involves writing which I can't master to a professional level in French), money worries (DH took early retirement but the cost of living has meant that although we have a regular income it just about covers utilities, bills etc...), boredom in winter, the restrictions of rural France, missing city-living etc...

Also as DD has got older the opportunity for me to make new friends (like at the school gates or through school activities) has decreased. I have one or two close friends here but they are British not French. I miss the "ease" that you have with old friends and that total fluency brings you. I have worked here but find France more "family orientated" so it is harder to make work friends who you would go out for a drink with etc...

Anyway to cut a very long story short (sorry!) for the past three years I have been looking for us to come back to UK (DH and DD onboard with this as DH as family in UK and DD wants to go to university in UK).

Well after a dozen application forms, interviews etc... I have got a full time permanent job in the UK. It is better than I could imagine - reasonable pay, a final salary pension, good conditions, in an area where we want to live etc....

So after years of looking at an "exit strategy" I have one and I'm now starting to wobble.

I'm scared that I will miss France and that the "grass is greener" wherever else I am.

More importantly (and I know that this is the main reason) - DD is in premiere at lycee and it will be another 18 months before she finishes her Bac. I do not want to move her as she loves the school and is very happy with her studies. She is a weekly boarder at an international school - her choice - so I normally only see her at the weekend (though we speak every night).

DH will stay here to look after DD, the house and the pets - and they will come over to UK during school holidays (whilst I will use my holiday leave to visit outside these times so that I see them as much as possible)

I think I'm just in panic mode - the job starts in three weeks, I have nothing organised (clothes, accommodation etc..) I will be staying with old friends for a bit but I feel in limbo.

I'm worried that I will regret this move and that I will be too far from DD (she's delighted I have job and the change won't impact her too much as she has close friends and is used to being independent (after two years at lycee and getting train etc) - she has a good relationship with her dad and her GM and is already planning visits to UK.

Not sure what I want anyone to say really - I do feel better having written this down - has anyone else experienced a "staged move back" like this?

Am I just wobbling because it is all happening too quickly?

I would say go for it and see how things work out. What you do now isn't irreversible, you'll still have the house in France and the same set up if you decide it's a mistake.

FWIW I used to work in the Netherlands and commute back to the house in London from Amsterdam on alternate weekends to see the DSSes. It was quickly a routine and easy to do - if you combine that with DD coming to see you I think you'll find you're not as far away as you think you are. You'll also have an opportunity to help get things set up for DD for uni while you're there ahead of her.

Congratulations on the new job and good luck!

Pepper, I'm trying to work out how to pm you from this tablet where things are not as they should be .. Your story is so similar to that of my dear friend who's just made the same move and is thrilled. Can't give you her story publicly though... Where in France are you moving from and where to in the UK?

I think you're doing this very carefully - with the least possible disruption to your family and a way back if it doesn't work out.

It's good that you're not all uprooting - even the most permanent job can disappear unexpectedly.

The main worry might be that you continue to feel in limbo - always rushing back to France and not committing to building your life in the UK - you may miss the very things you are looking forward to re friendships and city life etc.

So (easy to say) you might be wise to get somewhere of your own as soon as you can, so your Dh and Dd can come and stay.

I'm sure your Dd is very proud of you. (And it could really be fun if she does come to university here.) You don't really mention your Dh's feelings.... How will it be for him if both of you are in England and he's left in France?

On the whole your plan seems great. Just be sure everyone feels free to voice their true feelings at every stage so you can try to deal with problems early.

Be aware also that you will not be coming back to exactly the place you left. (How will you deal with your disappointment?)

Congratulations on the new job btw.

I don't have experience of this but agree you should go for it. if it doesn't work out your old life is waiting for you. it's always difficult starting a new job in terms of wobbles about what you're leaving. this gives you the chance to assess whether a full time move back to the UK is the right thing to do.

I am sure you are wobbling because it has happened so quickly but try imagining how you would feel if you were still struggling to find a job back in the UK and then it might put it all in perspective. We too live in France and I too dream of a move back as like you, I miss old friends, the British culture and lots more but then fear I would miss our home here. It is not easy. Let us know how you get on but it sounds as though your DD is sufficiently independent and happy so that shouldn't deter your move - as you say, she might well go to uni in the UK and her last 18 months of school will go quickly.

Thanks for the responses guys - you are making me feel more positive!

Easter - not sure if I could be same person! I live in the Vendee and am moving back to north west UK (that'll give me away to anyone who knows me!)

Zero - thanks for your encouragement and congratulations.

DH will move back to the UK in 18 months time, we will all be together then (well DD will probably be off to university - although she's planning a gap year as she'll only be 17 when she finishes).

DH is happy to do the temporary split but is just as keen to go back (he has four grown-up DCs and six grandkids). For what it's worth DH worked for two years in UK (before taking retirement) - so DD and I were here without him when we first moved over - this is a bit of a reverse situation.

We will sell the house in France once DD has finished lycee (and hope it doesn't stick on the market for five years) I'm young (ish) enough that I can get a mortgage when the house here is sold and we have a deposit.

In the meantime I totally agree that I need to rent a house/flat and make it "home" for everyone - that's the next step (and another stress maker).

I think I'm prepared for the UK to be different and for things "not to be teh same as when we left" - so hope I'm not too disappointed - but I'm sure there will be some adjustments to make

Do you have a good local airport route back so your trips will be easy? You're not really driveable

Easter - sadly not (and I think I would feel better if I did) - routes are pretty seasonal although there are some winter routes that will at least get me back on a daily basis (eg: into Paris) but I'd have to train it from there

OP we moved back to UK 2 years ago after 8 years in Spain. Our timing was a bit easier than yours as it coincided with DS going off to university here in the UK. We haven't regretted our return and are very happy here though the weather gets me down, particularly at this time of year. We slotted straight back in to UK life even though we had lived in a fairly rural spot in Spain. We visited friends there recently and I still love it but can't imagine returning full time.

You have a great exit strategy if it doesn't work out, there will be tough times along the way I'm sure but it's a great way to try it out and you are no stranger to split time family living so you know what to expect.

Feel free to pm if you want.

Go for it! This way you could make the transition for the rest of the family much smoother. Will you be based in the same place where your dd wants to go to university?

Good luck! Exciting times ahead!

Thank you all - starting to feel a lot better. I think knowing that the separation is temporary and manageable makes it easier.

LoveSewingBee - DD has expressed an interest in university in the place where I will be working - but she's free to go where she wants really - depends what she wants to do (and that changes by the week!)

Fussy - thanks for the encouragement - I'm pleased that your move back worked out well. I think if you plan things it takes some (but not all) of the stress out of it. I think I'll miss the weather here as well (and the cheap wine!)

Pepper would Liverpool to Limoges and a hire car be practical for you?

tb - thanks yes the Limoges one is a possibility although a bit of a drive afterwards. I'm busy studying train/plane timetables so I know what options are there should I need to get back quickly (which is a big worry - however unlikely) - have covered most routes/options now!

I totally understand where you are coming from. Not lived in uk for a long time but can't imagine growing old abroad either.All mine have flown the nest and this year we will probably down size but have to decide which country to buy a house that we can all get together in. It is scary but I think in your case you have all you bases covered and if it does not work out you can just go back to France. I have no idea where we would move to in the UK , it will probably have to be north of London as we have been spoilt for space here and i don't want to go back to hearing neighbours arguing at two am as they did in our old house. You know where you are going so that is a massive plus point. Get whatsapp so that you can text fir free with your dd. You can also use Skype to keep in touch. Goodluck op.

homeaway if you are not tied to being too close to London but don't fancy north you could do worse than west Wilts. It's surprisingly affordable. We landed up here by accident on our return (a family friend had a place to rent). We liked it so much we decided to buy in the area. We had no ties so it didn't matter where we landed up. We have downsized but still managed detached in a very nice area so I'm pretty happy.

Fussy thank you, I will have a look at that area , though my geography is awful :(. OH family are in Kent , dd is in Kent but will move, ds1 up north and ds2 in Scotland but all of this could change. I just keep going round in circles. I know we have to do what is right for us as a couple but it is such a big move;Though if the past is anything to go by something will happen to make us take a decision.