If your DP isn't British, how did you decide what country to live in?

[BabCNesbitt]

We're in the US, where DH is from (we met in the UK, where he was studying for a couple of years). I'm horribly homesick - miss my friends, family, miss so many things about the UK (the NHS especially!) - and want to move back home. DH quite reasonably asks what would happen if he were to feel just as homesick, and I don't know how to respond to that, other than sounding like some surly teenager ("but I'm more unhappy!")

If you had a conflict with your non-UK partner about what country to live in, and had the choice, how did you eventually resolve it?

Move to a 3rd country so you can both be unhappy equally :D

We live in my husband's country of birth and have done for 6.5 years, although we lived together in the UK first for 7 years (we met there), so up til now we've done almost equal lengths of time in each country.

We'll stay here til the kids all finish school most probably though, unless anything unexpected happens to make that no longer then best option. I feel this is a better place to bring up kids, for a lot of reasons. We are also an hour from his parents, and they are a whole lot more practical, hands on, use than mine would be (they have the kids overnight for 1 or 2 nights each school holiday, and mine would never cope - in fact last time she was over my mother made it clear she wouldn't cope with the youngest alone at all, even for half an hour - he's a perfectly normal 2 year old).

Both make a list of pros and cons of each country as objectively as you can (though you can list emotional factors too as they count) and then look at each other's lists as calmly as you can?

Also though are you sure you are thinking about the UK objectively? It can be easy to come over all nostalgic and only remember the positives - or indeed view the UK through rose tinted glasses and totally re-write your views and memories of the UK in warm and fuzzy tones. We live close enough to the UK to go back once a year, and there are SO many things in the UK that make my blood boil nowadays, and I find myself comparing negatively to here... the roads for are start - UK roads are absolutely RUBBISH - how can it take an hour to drive 20km.... :/

Nowadays all I really miss are the language, and the supermarkets :o

I live in Australia with my Australian dh. We are stuck as he can't get a returning residents visa since the law changes so I have to go back without him and he will be able to apply for a spouse visa after I have worked for six months.

Dh and met and lived in the States for years. We decided to return to Europe, for many reasons ( scary US healthcare system for one)

5 years in my home -UK and 5 years in his -Sweden

We did UK time which was ok but we always knew we would move here so didn't try as hard as we should have ( I see this now with Hindsight)

We have 1,5 years left here and we are 90% sure we will return to the UK.

I agree with Mr TBF that making list of pros and cons would help practically, but unfortunately emotions play a much stronger role in the decision making.

On paper Sweden is one of THE best places to live, emotionally (for me) it is not.

Obviously it may not be practical to 'try before you buy' in moving to the UK then back again. It is really hard situation to be in, I sympathize 100%

There are so many things to consider, jobs, kids, education, healthcare, safety, sanity.... the list is endless.

It really can be an impossible decision. We have just moved to a new country for us both, really hoping we love it so we don't always have the endless limbo of where to live!

When I was about 16 the older sister of a friend met an Australian, big long distance romance led to huge high profile wedding (very well off family in "small pond" of rural area) ... they never lived together after the honeymoon because they had both assumed they were going to live in their own home country! Even then I couldn't understand how the subject hadn't even been discussed properly before the wedding!

Random annecdote not helpful I realize. :o

Just a random annec

There was just no way I was going to live in Australia and he knew that and agreed! Definitely one to discuss before marriage.

Dh and I both thought that the USA was a long term thing for us, but fate took hold and we had to move.
The 5 year in each other country seemed like a fair compromise.
Luckily we are both on the same wavelength about staying or going.
I often wonder what would happen if we couldn't agree on where to settle, other than an complete nightmare

You may not have a choice to move back to the UK, unless you can walk straight into a well-paying job: Teresa May has basically told people with non-British spouses that the UK doesn't want them.

I am assuming this applies only to non-eu spouses.
Excuse my ignorance

We also live in a third country, though not too big of a deal for DH as he is English and we live in Scotland

I'm from the US, came here for university, so did DH. We lived back home for a short while before getting married, then decided to live here as we both felt 'at home'; maybe because we met here, maybe because we'd lived here before, not sure.

I get homesick. I don't think I will ever get used to the weather, like I really, really hate the weather. It is never properly hot here and even on 'hot' days, they can turn so suddenly. And the winter is horrendous. I really hate the weather.

there are different countries within the EU

so if you were british and your husband was French for example, you'd still have to decide what country to live in.

To answer the OP, as a friend put it when her New Zealander husband got terribly homesick and depressed after 15 years of living in the UK, 'do I want to stay in England or do I want to stay married?' because the strain on him of being so far away was affecting everything and could have caused a marriage breakdown.

They upped sticks with 2 kids and are now all very happy down under.

Scottswede - if you meant my post, then yes, it is non-EU spouses - I was addressing it to the OP since she said her DH was American.

It was a piece of legislation rushed through as an easy way to reduce immigration, I would guess with the slightly racist intent of cutting down on people importing new brides/husbands from India, Pakistan, Bangladesh etc, but it has ended up affecting lots of people who have been married for years - even decades - and have children, homes in the UK, elderly parents here to support etc.

Well I am the non-Brit in our marriage and we live in the UK, but I made sure he knew early on, well before we even moved in together, let alone got married, that I would likely want to go home one day (Canada) and he would have to be OK with that. Luckily he has always been enthusiastic about it (in fact although we aren't in a rush his Canadian permanent residence has just come through, and he is probably more exicted about the prospect of moving than I am.) If he had been at all reluctant, I would have ended the relationship.

Unfortunately that doesn't really help you in your situation though. I think it is only fair for him to consider the UK, however. If it doesn't work out, you can always go back. (Although that crazy and punitive new law, as expat points out, can make it difficult.)

Sorry, I started this thread and then disappeared! Thanks for all the replies! And yes, the new rules really screw us over - DH would have to apply for a job in the UK and hope that they'd sort out a visa for him there, but if he were in the UK on a work visa, I don't know if that would preclude our applying for a permanent resident's visa for him. I just hate the idea of being trapped here! Maybe a third country, somewhere nearer the UK, would be a compromise...

"he can't get a returning residents visa since the law changes so I have to go back without him and he will be able to apply for a spouse visa after I have worked for six months."

So you are BRITISH, but your spouse can't live with you in BRITAIN unless you work there for 6 months first?

Are you fucking kidding me?

JoinYourPlayfellows - not a joke, sadly. One of this government's ill thought out kneejerk bright ideas for reducing immigration, with no concern whatsoever for people's right to a family life etc. Even the High Court says they are unjustified, but the government shows no sign of changing them despite the growing number of clearly unfair cases, eg this American teacher who faces deportation despite having a worthy job, a British wife with cancer and elderly in-laws to look after.

Well it is extremely important that we stop people marrying out.

It's very hard to remain an in-bred, insular nation if people will keep falling in love with suspicious people from foreign lands.