DH wants to move to US, advice welcome

[mrsgrace]

Hi, this is a tricky one and I could use some advice.

DH is English and I am American. We met in the US but I moved to London to be with him and we've essentially lived our entire relationship in London (dating, marriage, DD birth). He now wants to experience life in the US and argues that he wants to experience living in a different country just as I've done.

The issue is that I like it here. I have close friends and a lovely community network around me. We have a nice home and we both have good jobs. It seems a lot to give up. DD is young and not yet in school so a move would not disrupt her too much, but she has friends here as well.

I have friends in the US but they're scattered across many states so we wouldn't be moving into a community. I'm just not sure I am ready to start over again.

Has anyone experienced the same? What advice can you offer?

Thanks x

Where would you go?
Would your life be better?
what are the pros and cons?

I understand his point. Life is very short to just spend it in one place, experiencing one way of life. Could you consider coming back just for a set time, 2 years for example? And then you would both have a real idea of which country is right for you.

And agree with amaidish. Where would you go? Does DH have an idea of that in his plan?

Ooh tricky one. I'm British and my DH is American. We've lived in both countries, but agreed at the start of our relationship that we'd make our home here in the UK. We lived in the US for six years though and I'm really glad we did. I got to experience life there, get to know my in-laws, and just understand my DH on a different level than I ever would've done if I'd never done it. I even ended up becoming a US citizen. Um, that's not helpful, is it?!

we had this decision to make in Jan 2012 - move to seattle with corporate relocation. i didn't want to move, dh did.
in the end it came down to costs - our standard of living would have been much lower there, rents are much higher than our mortgage, kids are at a great state school here, we live in a lovely part of the UK etc...
If you look at it logically then the decision might be easier than you think.
If your dh wants to give it a go then do, esp with kids as young as yours. Agree to x number of years if you can figure the costs and make it work. you might not be able to.

Thanks for the replies.

To answer some of the questions - he has his green card. We've just completed that process. We aren't sure where we'd live because everything hinges on jobs. If he gets a transfer it would be Chicago or NY but he's also looking on the west coast because that's where I'm from.

I appreciate the point of wanting to experience something different especially because I got that opportunity. But the education and safety are specific concerns.

Thanks again for replying x

I'm a Brit but lived in the US for 6 years. I absolutely loved it, I really pleased I did it and would do it over again, however, I wouldn't want to live there permanently. ATEOTD most days are just the same wherever you are, up when half asleep, trudge through the day and home again, lol. Life just becomes routine!

I do think kids here miss out on an outdoor life though, just having the freedom of decent weather, lol.

Maybe you could do it for 2 years and see what you both prefer.

Where are you NatashaBee?

Well, I'd be happy to move to the west coast for a few years. I don't think I'd rush to live in NYC or Chicago though - too bloody cold in winter and too hot in summer.

How strong is his desire to live there? Is it a deal-breaker? Would he maybe agree to a series of trips to the US for 2-3 weeks at a time over school holidays? Our DC are dual-citizens and we plan to spend some 'quality' time in the US as they get older so that they feel like they know their other country, but we have no plans to ever move back there to live.

How strong is his desire? I feel like the ship has sailed. He really wants to go. I will try to suggest a time limit as some of you have recommended. Thanks.

I'm Canadian and DP is British. Am v settled here but he would love to move. I flat out refuse for the reasons you note. I also think the novelty will wear off for him after a few years and with 2 DC it's tricky to move around so much.

We are Dual UK/US family originally Brits. We just moved back after over 20 years in CA. When we moved there things were great, but to tell the truth the last 6 or 7 years haven't been so good, costs for just about everything rose dramatically, and jobs became few and far between.
I'm glad to be back and Dd is loving junior school in UK.
Our biggest concern was health care costs, they went up annually and also went up on major birthdays so twice some years.
I wouldn't do it without a secure job to go to, and one that also gives good health cover.

I’m British, my husband is American, and I moved out here a couple of years ago.

The first thing I’d check, before making any move, is how easy it would be for you, as an American, to go back to the UK if a move didn’t work out. You didn’t say what your current status was, living in the UK. Not meaning to be bleak, but immigration changes made last year make it a LOT harder for non-EU spouses of UK citizens to move back. So, you may want to check you’d be able to keep your indefinite leave to remain (which I don’t think people can apply for anymore) or might want to consider becoming a joint UK/US citizen before you leave. If you want to read more about, this contains the information you’d need:

www.ukba.homeoffice.gov.uk/sitecontent/documents/news/soi-fam-mig.pdf

On a personal note, I’ve found it really difficult to settle here and feel homesick on a regular basis. I don’t feel that quality of life here is very good where I am (I’m sure it differs depending on where you live), and the healthcare issue alone is one that would seriously affect me making the same decision again. Feeling the way I do about the States currently, it's just another reason for me to wish I was someplace else!

I'm British and live on the east coast - moved here last year with DH's job. We'll be moving on once the three year visa is up. Absolutely agree with NatashaBee - I have a toddler and a newborn and they will not be going to school here. We live in the most upmarket suburb of the city (think Richmond upon Thames equivalent) and the school at the end of the road has armed guards on the doors.

mrsgrace I'm American, I know you are too so you probably know this as well as I do but -- the first thing that leaps to my mind is the health insurance. As others have said. I would make sure he realizes that one of you will always be tied to the job that provides the health insurance. If he has a job he hates, but it offers good insurance, and you can't get good insurance through yours or you are not working, he's just going to have to stay in that job until/unless he can get another one that offers the same, which is not easy to do. It's something I really hate, how tied we are to our jobs, and I'm used to it! So I don't know whether he's thought about how that will really feel. And if neither of your jobs offers insurance, the cost of buying it will be just awful (yes, even with Obamacare, as far as I can tell from the rollout quotes). Maybe have him take a look at this just so he has a clear idea of what it'll cost if you have to buy it yourselves. www.thehealthsherpa.com/

Dh and lived in the US pre-kids and even though I still miss a lot of things I wouldn't move there now we have kids.
I think taking a couple of years out there, if transfers allow etc, kids are not in school yet. If this is something he really wants then do it before school starts.
I was the one that pushed to moved to dhsd home country, he wasn't against it but was quite happy where we were in the UK.
I was sure it would be better here. Turns out he was right and we will move back.
If it's doable for a short period I would really weigh up the pros and cons.

I'll happily trade places with you!

I am American, DH ( also a Yank) moved us here a few years ago and am sooo desperate to go back. He's quite happy to stay put, meanwhile I keep watching the calendar and doing the sums in my head about another year that DS missing out on things that I grew up with in the US, not getting to know his grandparents, cousins, etc. and how his accent is becoming shockingly gulp not like mine...

Consequently, the same rants about US life that the previous poster spoke of (appalling local schools, crap healthcare--sorry, NHS has massive issues, family that never visits, no support nearby) are all criticisms that I have of the U.K. So it is indeed all relative. Living abroad isn't for everyone, no matter what the destination.

How old is DD?

Do you want more children?

Do you want to work in the US?

I don't have the insight of both counties of posters above but have lived abroad at different times. Set a time limit. Two years goes by very fast. You'll come back and slot into your old life easily I imagine (we did) - everyone will still be there. Health care is an issue but if you have insurance provided with your jobs and it's only two years it is less of a concern. I wouldn't grow old somewhere I was relying on health insurance (where I was they made it unaffordable at 65) but for short period while young it's ok.

I understand where your dh is coming from (and your concerns too). I like moving, for short periods. It always feels like nothing changes back home, though like you home is where I ultimately want to be, and there are lots of experiences to be had abroad. There's always stuff you don't like but its temporary

Having said all that, if you really don't want to go why not stall dh by suggesting an extended holiday in the US?

Where are you sittingbull?

Could you live in another European country, if DH wants to experience expat life? Or anywhere else in the world?

I am almost in a similar situation to you. I'm American, I met my French-German husband in the UK, we now live in France but are moving to Germany. Every so often my DH makes a big pitch for us to move to the US, he thinks he'd really like to live there.

I always point out the following:

We'd pay a fortune in healthcare

Only 2 weeks vacation that has to cover everything -- a particular problem for visiting family back in Europe

There is no social safety net really -- if we lose our jobs, that's it. There's no child benefit, no housing benefit, etc.

Anyplace we would move to will have lots of guns and crime, relative to what we're used to now.
I actually told him, after Newtown last year -- that's it, we're never going. It was the most visceral feeling, like I cannot and will not take my child where things like this happen as often as they do.

There is also the nasty, divisive and racist political culture going on right now. I can't watch American news channels for more than 5 minutes without getting seriously depressed.

If we didn't have a child, I would probably go. But as a family our quality of life would really suffer and I don't see the point.

Does it have to be the US for him? I can totally sympathise with wanting to live abroad but that doesn't have to mean the US.