Any ideas on how to help DD settle in?

[markymark]

We moved to the US in the summer and DD (5yrs) seems to be really struggling with the transition. There are lots of little things that make me think she's not happy - she's not able to get to sleep at night, has bitten her nails to the quick, is not paying attention at school and is getting angry very quickly (usually with me).

I really want to help her but we're getting bit stuck as she isn't too sure why she's sad either. We're talking about how she's feeling and doing things like playdates with new friends and skyping friends and family from home, but I was wondering if anyone had had a similar experience and what worked for them.

Maybe there is more to it than what she is letting on. Have you heard of a feelings box? When ever she has a strong feeling about something she could put a few pointers about it onto a peice of paper and post it into the box. You could maybe open the box up at bedtime to go through them and discuss why, what, how etc. it might help her open up a bit easier and ease her mind ready for a decent nights sleep- which is probably a massive part of her short temper. I've not experienced this myself but it was the first thing I thought of upon reading your post. Hope she feels better soon xxx

Thanks Keelo - that's a really good idea. I think you are right about the temper and the sleeping - it's all become a cycle and I can't seem to find the right spot to break it. Hopefully the box will help.

Well I've got my fingers crossed for you- I really do hope it works. If you get a chance, keep me updated once it's all set up and on the go. Maybe I do have my uses after all lol xx good luck :) xx

Read your post for tips but thought our experience might help you too. We (DC 14 and 11) moved back to UK this summer after several years abroad. They are really struggling settling - on the outside looks ok, but over the last few weeks they have opened up about how much they feel outsiders here, how different everything is, from manners/games on the playground/how people talk etc. And last night I had the revelation that of course we've only been back 3 months. And three months is really no time at all. They looked quite relieved this morning when we discussed that its only been three months, of course none of us feel rooted, of course we all feel off centre in our personal maps - somehow we expect more of ourselves without relating it to reality. I realise your DD is at a different stage, but thought it might help set it in context for you and her - in our moves it has taken a good year for our kids to feel properly at home. Could help to talk to her about moving plants and them taking time to grow new roots, and/or to plant a sunflower or something for her to watch it grow and see how she feels next to it growing. Good luck.

We moved from Asia to the US this summer with DDs aged 5 and 8. We have done the usual stuff of painting bedrooms, playdates, little routines (breakfast out on Sundays) etc - we also got a dog wouldn't normally recommend that so soon after moving country

We sometimes discuss how "at home" we feel and give it a rating. 1 is "just passing through" and 5 is "wouldn't live anywhere else" It has helped the DCs to put it in perspective and chat about why they don't feel at home on a particular day (DD1 was told by an American kid in swimming lesson that she couldn't understand her perfectly normal English accent so that was a lower number that day). We also do a lot of talking before bedtime, after story and with the lights out. Sounds weird but it's easier sometimes to discuss feelings in the dark when you can't see the other person - a kind of confessional I guess.

We're getting there and the kids have settled really fast (going to an international school helps I think) but there are bumps in the road.

Hope your dd finds it easier very soon (I'm assuming you're not near me in Texas btw?)

Thanks everyone - there are some lovely ideas here. We had a chat using the scale and she said she was a 0 or 1, even at the play date that I thought she had really enjoyed, which was a bit of a revelation. She said that why she was angry and we had a good chat - agreed a cuddle when she was angry might make her feel better than shouting. Off to the garden centre for seeds tomorrow!

We're in California butterflies - but get the accent thing too!

We had similar with our son (then 7) in Asia last year OP. He was biting his nails down to the quick too, and taking hours to get to sleep, and getting very angry (was as if he'd had a personality/temperament transplant - he's usually the most chilled of all of us lol).

For him it was all about school. Otherwise he settled in Asia quite quickly and made some great friends very quickly. But school was a really bad fit and he became more and more unhappy and withdrew (didn't do "enough" work, then got punished for that, would wander off, hide in the toilets). He's not overly academic - average really (or maybe even just intellectually immature, certainly a "normal" 7/8 year old boy in our opinion. I think too the IB system is really hard for that age group, if they're not academically minded. He just didn't get it - so much was over his head.

Not saying this is the issue with your DD but I can relate to a lot of what you say. Is she learning the IB system and is it a prviate or state school? This was absolutely 100% of the issue for our DS and it ended up becoming all consuming, for all of us. So I wondered if it's worth speaking to her teacher to see how she is at school...

Mostly anger comes from feelings of injustice and unfairness. Which made sense with our son too. And of course it's so hard to articulate all this for them. There are some great tips here too from the other posters - I will certainly be making a note of them!

One thing we always do and have done since they were tiny is go around the family at bedtime doing a "first and worst". We ALL get to say the best bit of our day, and the worst bit. It's a great opener for talking about things, good and bad, and for the kids to see even grown ups have a hard time sometimes. DS2 (the one who struggled) added in "first, worst and burst", burst being what made you laugh your head off :-)

Do keep us posted.

That's interesting - I have had to go and speak to with teacher last week as DD felt she was being shouted at every day.

Her attention wanders (I suspect part tiredness, part boredom from repeating a lot of stuff from her previous year and part her usual day-dreamy self) so she doesn't always follow instructions and when she does she sometimes does it the way she was taught in the UK - which is 'wrong' (like using cursive writing). She has always been very keen to do things 'right' and has lost that. I've been trying to back up the teacher and help her find ways to focus - but I suspect it does feel really unfair.

Poor love - before we left the UK I asked what she'd like in her new school and she said 'full of learning, just like my school'. Now she asks every day if it is the weekend.

Hmmm, it's looking pretty obvious the school is a big issue. Now I just need to figure out how to support her through that. And try to stop feeling quite so guilty from taking her away from the school she loved

Whereabouts in California are you Markymark? We are here too (7 weeks). We are in the south bay area. Hope things get better for you and your daughter soon. It's all a bit of a roller coaster isn't it?

We moved to NZ and our 7 year old has struggled with school, its all new, she hasn't got the same relationships with the girls she can't be herself. It is tiring trying to understand people who talk differently. We have been here 7mths and it is getting better less strops and shouting. She has always loved it here its just school that has been tricky.

Oh poor love. My 5 year old son is struggling a bit in a new country too. We are lucky in that he likes his school (although is confused by the learning aspects - he is following an IB curriculum at an international school, so its very different from the UK) but potential English-speaking playmates are scattered all over the city, so playdates are few and far between. He misses friends and grandparents in the UK.

We have mainly lost ourselves in books, and I spend hours reading to him - good old fashioned British stuff like Roald Dahl, Peter Pan, Spike Milligan. This seems to help him (and me if I'm honest). We have created rituals here - Friday after school ice-cream trip, Saturday night film and popcorn. He gets extra board game time with his dad, which he loves. We have limited Skype time, as I think it was making him more homesick, but write a postcard a week to a friend.

It all helps a little, but I think that time will be the big thing.

It has been a better week. Less tantrums, more cuddles, and more sleep! We've been doing family things that she enjoys and talking a lot about school and how it is stricter - I don't think she's ever going to love her teacher but it does seem that now she knows she can talk about it she's a lot happier. I need to learn about how to support her while not undermining the school / her teacher, but i guess we'll muddle through.