In Italy desperately homesick.

[Lovepolkadots]

Hi everyone. A question about homesickness. How do you all cope with it? I have been in Italy for 8 years after coming here to work and falling pregnant pretty quickly with a lovely Italian Man, now my DH.

I first felt terrible pangs of homesickness pretty much about a year after arriving.I feel I can only think about England. English things. I watch only English TV. It's only when I step out of the house and hear all the foreign voices it really dawns on me where I am actually living. I literally ache to be back in the U.K.. My husband will not move and is very set in his ways here. He is happy where he is and why shouldn't he be. It's his home.

Something terrible happened recently. I started to imagine leaving. I have 3 children and it would be incredibly selfish. I miss my family in uk so much. My husband says he is my family now and get used to it. It all feels like a life sentence.

So sorry to hear you are unhappy. Whereabouts in Italy are you?

Is it possible to have a break by yourself, maybe back in the UK. I had a little break back to the UK by myself a couple of years ago. There was a lot going on and I needed breathing space. It helped to just have time to myself, maybe you need that.
It's hard when homesickness hits, it doesn't just go away by itself either. I don't have any words of wisdom I'm afraid. Just letting you know your not alone

Where are you? Do your DC speak English? Do you have English friends - even other international friends? Do you work?

Hello Lovepolkadots

Like scottswede, unfortunately, I have no words of wisdom either but just wanted to let you know you are definitely not alone.

I am in my seventh year of living in Spain and my feelings of homesickness haven´t gone away. Granted, there have been times when I have felt "better" about it but I suppose I have just learned to live with it for the sake of my family and my mental health.

Like you I also think a lot about England and only watch English TV. I am fortunate to be able to go back every Summer but it is bittersweet as the coming back is a killer. I don´t have any close Spanish friends and despite speaking the language very well I am far from being integrated.

My husband is also reluctant to move and the thought of staying here indefinitely scares me to death

Come and chat on here whenever you like, sometimes just getting your thoughts of your chest with people in a similar boat can help a wee bit

Hello OP. I was in your exact same situation until 4 months ago. I could have written your post word for word. A t the very least you need to get back to The UK for a holiday. Don't despair, keep talking and you will find the solution

I live overseas now and have lived in Italy. I have to say, Italy was hard even though I loved it. It is quite a homogeneous society which you are not really a part of. Where I am now, people notice my accent, but in Italy they knew the moment they saw me, I wasn't Italian. Your DH's attitude sucks as well.

For me, focusing on the good where I am and the bad at home helps. I had a friend who used to send me horrible news stories from South London to help me feel better about the low crime rate here and the lack of riots.

Do you get to visit the UK often? Talk to/Skype family? Can they visit you? Where are you BTW, I was in Milan?

I have been in Italy for 19 years and it still isn't "home".

And yes, I still get that pit in my stomach when I come back after my 2 mths in the Uk every summer and my 3 weeks at Christmas.

But I do have friends here, utterly blimmin bonkers Italian housewives the lot of them, but I do love them, and I think they love me, in their own "must go to the hairdresser and bleach the balcony" kind of way.

Are your children at school? The school mums? I must admit, when dd does a summer school thing in the UK in July/August I notice how unfriendly the schoolmums are there compared to here. OK, maybe they talk to me because a) they think I'm a whackster because I don't go to the beautician before the school run b) they think being in my presence means they will become perfect English speakers by osmosis but at least they are chatty.

Church? Before dd started the whole road to first Holy Communion (I am not Catholic, my religion if any would be woo but dp obv is) I was vvvvvvv wary. The church is lovely, the priest is 30 and an ex student of mine, dd goes to all kinds of lovely activities organised by them (she was playing football and basketball all day last Sunday "and God was never mentioned" ) and I have made loads more friends there.

Do you work at all? I teach English (no surprises there) and after 19 yrs that's another reason the whole town knows me. I've virtually brought up a whole generation to speak English with a splendid ooop north accent.

The hardest point for me was definitely just after dd was born, not because of her, but because suddenly, there was no question that I could get up and go at whim. (I had always told myself, pah, so if I change my mind, I book a flight and leave) now suddenly there was his family to consider (least said, soonest mended, although after 9 yrs of not speaking to any of them, a slight reconciliation is under way) and there was more of a "what the heck would I do, if we did go back"

Whereabouts are you? Have you posted on LittleItaly on here to see if anyone is near you? If you want to PM me I can add you to my FB at least and we can have a natter and a whinge about which brand of bleach we use? (I am in the arse end of Puglia)

If you want to tell us about the terrible thing that has happened we can hold your hand with that as well.

PS I don't like your husband's attitude.

Maybe we need a Depressed abroad thread. There are so many of us who just need somewhere to come and vent about living overseas.

I know I hold back, not wanting to whinge about the daily stuff that can completely wear you down. I have good days too. Usually when I'm home with no contact with the outside world though. Not conducive to becoming a native I know, but sometimes the only way to get through the day.

I really want to want to stay here but I know it's never going to work. Life shouldn't be this hard.

I know I'm in the fortunate position of being able to leave, dh has an international job and is OK about moving from his home country. I don't know how I would feel if he had your Dh's attitude lovepolkadots

I really always had the grass must be greener mentality, lived and worked abroad for 20 years. Maybe it's my age but I can only see myself and family growing older in the UK. It scares the pants off me to think about being old here.

Hope your dh realizes he needs to take your worries seriously.
Just come on here and scream and shout when you need too, nobody will mind.

JustBecauseIcan Your post has made me roar with laughter.
The bleaching the balcony and going to the hairdressers, all of it! You have it down to a tee. Also, the thing about they like you as they think they will learn English! Hilarious and so true.

I have just come back from the school run (walking) and walked by at least a dozen women bleaching the pavement outside their apartments. It makes me feel tired!

OP I feel like you. I, like harriehill, have been in Spain for 7 years. I also speak the language but she is right, you are never properly integrated. It does help having children as at least you are respected in some way for that.

Everyone is right, it helps to go back for a break to the UK. This year I planned a month in England in July, the holidays are 3 months here, or seomthing ridiculous, and to get away from the heat was wonderful. After a week of eating English food I started to see how England had changed, it isn't all good you know. I started to see the good things again about Spain. Undoubtedly you would see them about Italy which is nicer than Spain!

I do agree, having lived in Rome, that Italians, although lovely, are even harder to get accepted by in a 'real ' way.

You are not alone LovePolkaDots, you really aren't. I like reading the threads on here about the poor parents trying to get their children into a half decent school in the UK which is less tan 30 miles away , schools are better abroad I believe, somehow it makes me think I am doing the right thing and makes me count my blessings.

I also think about the Price of wine in the UK...that helps!

Definitely a trip back home for you, on your own to see family and friends.

Can I ask if it is homesickness - or the aftermath of "Something terrible happened recently"
Of course both are very valid and its probably a mixture of the two.

I love living abroad and don't get homesick as such but when ever something happens I want to gather my old friends and family round me and then I get sad that I can't, or I can but only a couple of them at a time and even then it would take planning, booking, travel. Its not the same.

When I said 'after a week of eating English food...' it sounds like I didn't like it. This is the opposite of what I meant! I spent a week in bliss scoffing roast beef, fish and chips, proper chinese and curry etc. I just miss the food SO much. Proper baked potatoes.

I am sick of paella and tortilla de patatas and all things fried. I can't find marmite anywhere. Baking potatoes don't exist in Spain. Sigh!

somerset- you see I only ended up in Italy because I wanted to be in Spain!

You could get marmite in Salamanca, back in the day.....No chance here in the Arse End of Europe though. My cupboard runneth over with it though. Ryanair make a fortune out of me with my teabags, marmite and gravy.

scottswede - I really like your idea of a depressed abroad thread - any takers?

I also had terrible grass is greener syndrome...my advice now to anybody considering a move abroad would be be careful what you wish for

JustBecauseICan - I think I recognise you from a few years back on some of the other living overseas and not so happy threads,(under a different U.N perhaps?) the way you describe Italy and your life there is fairly unique and very funny...

somerset - I try and do the same and tell myself I am doing the right thing for my children by living here...I used to think that schools were better but I´m not so sure any more, so many cuts and lack of resources and as much as I really like what they do in Infantil I think Primaria is a totally different kettle of fish...seems a very one-dimensional and dare I say boring curriculum...anyway...all that talk of English food is making me hungry

Don't want to p!ss anyone off but I am going to the Uk for a week.
Hotel too. Don't know on what level of sad this is but I have already checked out the hotel menu, google mapped the nearest TKMaxx and Asda Megastore. I can smell Fish n chips already.
It's all I have thought about since we came back from 2 weeks in the summer.
I can only survive here if I get away every 3-4 months.
Not normal and getting to be a bit expensive.
Rather live in the UK and spend money on fab vacations to exotic locations .

scottswede - reading your post has just made me laugh out loud...probably because it is exactly what I would do myself

Getting away every 3-4 months seems a sensible solution, but yes I can imagine the cost... suppose it means you are always able to look forward to going back again, knowing you definitely have a trip planned

Have a fabulous time

Just came back from my trip back home. Really nice and confirmed for me that I will move back. Not that I am super homesick, more on how much I don't like living where we are now.

I felt connected to people and places, where as I feel no connection to anything here. Never have.

Can I ask where people in Italy are?
I am in Marche and have been for 30 years - not for much longer, though
scottswede are you really moving back?
polkadots how are you now*
On the subject of bleaching terraces, I knocked on my upstairs neighbours door recently. I thought she said she had just been cleaning the attic (hers is the top floor flat - turned out she had been cleaning the ceilings - as, indeed, one does (for those not in Italy, the two words are very similar)