First time trailing spouse - struggling to settle in

[TerrorAustralis]

I moved from Australia to Singapore at the beginning of September for my DH's work. We have one two year old DS. When I was young and single I worked as an au pair in France and have travelled a bit, so I know what it's like to live away from my home country. But obviously with a partner and child/ren it's quite different.

I'm struggling a bit and starting to get down about it all. Firstly, our apartment is really inconvenient. DH came ahead of us (I stayed behind to finish work and tie up loose ends, supervise packing etc.) and rented our condo. Number one on my list of essentials was close to the MRT (train). It's not. It takes at least 15 minutes to get to the nearest station.

On top of that we are out east (to be close to DH's work, which is fine) but it means that it takes bloody ages to get anywhere. Going out with a toddler takes long enough, without living in the middle of nowhere. I'm now starting to think we need a car, which we never wanted to get here and is ridiculously expensive. But we're on a 12 month lease so stuck here for at least another 10.5 months.

Second problem is child care. At home I was working three days a week and DS was in child care. He really enjoyed it and is missing it. I also really need a bit of time out from full time mothering. And I'd like to be able to explore opportunities for work (either locally or doing some freelance work at home for my old employer and other Australian clients).

Out of all the places locally that I have contacted, most don't have vacancies. Of the ones that do, two are the typical Singaporean style that focusses on discipline and education.We just want him to play, sing songs and do some kiddy craft activities! It's also 5 days a week or nothing - so even if he was just attending 3 days we'd still have to pay for 5. The one that seems most in line with our views is not a child care but a pre-school. That means the full day finishes option at 3.30, so not suitable if I do find work. Also, this centre doesn't have rest time after lunch, and DS still definitely needs an afternoon sleep. Despite this I'm still going there for a trial session tomorrow with a view to sending him for a few mornings a week. Meanwhile I'm still investigating other options.

I also thought it might be easier to meet people. So far I've chatted with a few people but can't say I've made friends with anyone (or even come close to it). Part of the problem is me - I'm not shy but I am a bit reserved and when talking to people I don't think ask for phone numbers or ask questions that might be helpful (like does your child go to pre-school/child care and are you happy with it!).

We live in a big condo and when I see people socialising around the complex it always seems to be people of the same race together. Unfortunately for me, I'm a definite racial minority around here.

There are a few other things as well, but they're the main issues for me at the moment. Although my petty complaint is that I have some kind of foot fungus so I can't have a pedicure or a foot massage until I get rid of it. Oh woe is me!

I do have some bright spots though. After not being able to find decent bread I have decided to try baking my own. I am cultivating a sourdough starter and it is coming along very nicely. I'm so pleased with it, it's slightly ridiculous. I haven't even baked with it yet!

If you've read this far, thank you. If you have any tips for a first-timer, please do share them.

I don't know if i have much advise but I do sympathise - we moved to singapore in january and i really struggled to connect with people - I'm a long term expat too and have never found it as hard as I have here! you do sound very lonely. have you been out to things like the expat living coffee mornings, search on meet up.com for like minded groups? have you join the Facebook groups storks nest and singapore expat wives? You really just have to join everything and go to everything and hope that you click with some people! If I were you I'd be posting on one of the Facebook groups for playdates with your DC in your area and your bound to meet some people! another option for childcare is a helper - i know I know, I've avoided it until now too but it can be a lifeline and give you a chance to have the energy to go out and meet people - because it does take time and energy especially when you're not in the ideal location! I'm not much use as I'm on the other side of the island but always happy to meet up for a coffee if it would help! and remember it does pass - it's just pretty horrible when you first move anywhere and you have none to talk to! good luck

Thanks for replying. I didn't realise I was going to sound so lonely.

I have just joined the expat wives group on FB. I wasn't aware of stork's nest or meetup - is that like a dating site for play dates? I need to work on my 'putting myself out there' skills though.

I have considered the helper, but not keen on having someone live in. I'd be happy to get someone in once or twice a week though.

Thanks for the offer of coffee. I might take you up on that once I've got some childcare - child-friendly cafes seem to be lacking here. I miss our old local cafe with a sand pit and toys!

sorry you feel this way, am sure you'll find local groups through the facebook group.

The link below is for a local magazine you might have come across. its a good resource to find out about where to go & activities etc…
expatliving.sg
There is a tab for "kids" with lots of ideas.
Am pretty certain there is a soft play centre on the East coast. There are certainly lots of expats, especially along the fort road cluster of big condos.
The pool is a good place to meet people. Just hang in there and am sure your DC will soon start to recognize faces and play with a few kids. That's always an ice breaker so don't miss that opportunity to casually chat.

It does sound like a car would be a good thing for you…..

Finally, the ANZA is super active in Singapore, maybe you should get in touch. They organise lots of big picnics, sports etc….so that would be a good place to look?
www.anza.org.sg

Don't be too hung up on being a "minority". A lot of people would benefit from being reminded they are just that too in a place like Singapore! It can be quite cliquey but I guess a lot of people are reassured by being with their kind when they are a long way from home.
The rule is simple, if that is not the sort of people you would associate with at home so why bother here?
Its still early days, you will soon enough find your ground. School and part time work do help keep everyone in the family happy.

Thanks Yoni. I need to get my hands on a copy of Expat Living and will definitely join ANZA.

DS split his forehead open last weekend, so the pool has been off limits for over a week. But he's had the all clear to get the wound wet now, so I will go back to spending some time around the pool. I did spy one likely looking victim potential friend a couple of weeks ago, so I will be looking out for her and her kids.

I'm not worried about being a racial minority as such. It just seems that most (if not all) people around here seem to hang out with people of the same race. And if that means that people who aren't of the same race as me are less willing to be friends with me, it reduces my pool of potential friends. Does that make sense?

I'm sure that there are inter-racial friendships, it just seems less common than same-race socialising (in my limited observations). Even the PRCs seem to stick together, rather than mixing with Singaporean Chinese.

I just had to look up Fort Road. That's practically the middle of town compared to where I am. I really am WAAAYYY out east!

The child care thing is just really getting me down, as there is no ideal option. But I really need to choose one to stop myself from going mad. I feel like until I get that organised my real life here won't begin.

I have a two year old boy and a car and would see it as an adventure to cross town to meet for a walk or coffee with the kids! I think Singapore can be a hard place to find friends - I've not found it easy so am willing to travel across the island for new possibilities! I'm intrigued by the race thing - I'm Australian too if that's what you mean or are you far more exotic??
On child care, I know it sounds crazy but some preschools/daycare do have buses for the little ones (even 2 year olds!). That would mean you could cast the net a bit wider. Post on Sing Expat Wives and see if there is anyone local to you or has an suggestions? Is it a really helpful forum.

That should be "it is a really helpful forum".

I'm just up the road in KL but remember feeling very like you describe in my early days here. My youngest was your DSs age and I had my 6 year old at home for a term being home educated as we couldn't get a place at school.

Preschools are the same here- you pay for full time even if you only want three mornings
Very isolating, like you, dh had come ahead while I finished up the school year and arrived in mid July, just as all the expats were leaving for the long break.

I can't comment on singapore specific groups to join but join everything, some things you won't go back again, but eventually something will click and you'll turn a corner
It will get better

I'm a garden variety Anglo-Celtic Australian (with some unacknowledged Aboriginal heritage there too... just don't suggest such a thing to my grandparents). So nothing more exotic than that. DH is mixed race (Anglo-Chinese) but our DS looks more like me.

But out here expats are a bit thinner on the ground than the central and west areas. I can go days without seeing another whitey. I don't think about it much, but if I go down to Orchard Road I suddenly realise I haven't seen so many Caucasian people in weeks.

We went for an hour trial at a pre-school today and I wasn't very impressed with it. Although they claim to be child-centred the teachers were very directive and prescriptive. Apparently it's possible for a toddler to paint with a toothbrush the wrong way, to the point where the teacher is compelled to take over and do it for him. There was a poor little girl who seemed to be constantly told off, although she was not really naughty (just acting her age) and I did wonder if it was because she wasn't as cute as the other kids.

I starting to look at places further away with a bus service.

Thanks again for all the support. It's good to have an outlet to vent (other than DH).

Saltedcaramelcake I will PM you :)

Yes maybe worth looking a bit further west towards mountbatten/fort road and consider the bus for school?
Forgot to mention the singapore anglo info website which is quite thorough.
here is the full list of pre-schools

Have a look at which ones have east coast locations and come back, am sure between us we've tried a few and can give you feedback?

The bus trip wont be more than 20mn to Pasir Ris/Bedok or Tampines which is where I guess you might be?

have a look on meet up.com there is an East coast mums group on there I'm sure and lots of other groups too.
It does sound like a car might be a good idea to get you a bit more freedom.. It is so much easier to traipse about the whole island then..you will have much more scope for meeting people.
In the meantime I have a lovely friend who lives super way out East, so maybe somewhere near you! PM me and I will put you in touch. Oh and I can vouch for Saltedcaramellavacake too she is lovely :0)

I'm in Simei, so yes Yoni, in that general region.

I went to Play Days in Mountbatten today and it was great. About eleventy billion times more my style than the other one. Weirdly (or not) even the morning snacks that were provided and that the kids brought were more my style.

The only thing is that they don't have a bus (apparently they used to, but it was cancelled due to lack of interest). It takes a bit too long by public transport, so I'd have to use taxis until we get a car (assuming we will).

There are still a couple of places I'm scheduled to see next week (Eton House and Preschool for Multiple Intelligences International), but it feels like there's light at the end of the tunnel. The other positive about Play Days is they don't charge a huge deposit and it's refunded with four weeks' notice. So it's not a huge commitment, like some other places that require the deed to your house and signing in blood.

Yoni thanks for that link to Anglo info - I thought I'd seen all the Singapore preschool listing pages on all the websites, but I don't think I'd seen that one.

picklesrule, will PM you when my head's a bit straighter (very tired right now and have had a relaxing wine or two) but a way-out-east contact sounds great, thanks.

Is really hard here. I have been here five months and have made friends but it is still a hard place to live. Singapore expat wives has been great...you should put a post on it like this one. I bet you will get lots of responses from people in similar positions

Hello TA, how are you?
Hope you are finding your ground. Any progress with schools?

Hi, sorry I hadn't checked up on this thread. Things are much better, thanks for asking.

I met up with the lovely saltedcaramellavacake and her equally lovely boy, which was a great start.

I also got my son into a nice preschool three mornings a week, which has been VERY good for both of us. He's taken to it like a duck to water, showing how much he's missed that sort of thing. The teachers have been very surprised at the fact that he hasn't needed any kind of settling in. It's not exactly convenient to home, but I have embraced The Way of the Taxi to make our lives easier.

We're still considering buying a car, but in the mean time I'm taking taxis much more often. It's probably cheaper than buying a car and much better for my state of mind than trying to tough it out on public transport all the time. And at least I don't have to worry about parking.

I've also joined the Facebook groups suggested, which have been very helpful. I haven't gone to any of the social events through the groups yet, but will be going to at least one thing in a few weeks' time.

If there are any of you reading this based in Singapore who'd like to meet up for a coffee/playdate/drink please let me know. I've managed to (almost) overcome my fear of online mummy dating.

Thanks again to everyone for all the advice & support. I really appreciate it.

Hi Terror,

I'm also newish to Singapore (from UK) and I have 1 baby DD. We live in Simei and the other day went for a coffee date with a couple of other mums in the area and we're trying to find more! You'd be welcome to join us. I've also been to a few of the New Mother's Support Group/East-Coast mums meet-ups and try to get out every day with DD, maybe we can go together to something? I'm also definitely up for meeting for a drink sometime!

Glad to hear you've embraced the Way Of The Taxi. We moved to the US in 2007 and it took me a while to pluck up courage to drive, plus we kept to one car between us.
The exchange rate was in our favour so everything, including taxis seemed cheap. I soon ended up with a taxi driver as my best friend and, being Indian he would take me to Indian stores where I could stock up on full strength tea, like in the UK.
It cheered me up to get out and about! We didn't have small children, like you, just a lunking great teenager!
I came back home last year. Have you been on the British Expats forums? They kept me going!

Nice to meet you beaglebaby :)

Helzapoppin, I haven't joined any British expats forums because I'm not actually British (shhh, don't tell MNHQ!). But the Faceache groups have been great, and they're quite international (with an Anglophone bent).

I'd love a regular driver though. I keep hoping to strike the right taxi driver to ask to pick us up regularly. This morning's was lovely, but drove like a geriatric Fangio. He cornered so fast that my DS fell over sideways, then told him off for not sitting up straight!

I've got my SIL & nephew coming for a stopover in a few days time. They'll be bringing a supply of good (reasonably priced) Aussie meat, which will be a great morale booster.