Hacked off at the uncertainty of life as a trailing spouse.

[latermater]

Apologies for rant, but completely hacked off at the way one's life (and happiness) as a trailing spouse is always in thrall to one's spouse's life/happiness, in a way it never was in the UK. DH recently extended his contract to spend a third and final year in the Far East and we all agreed to that. Children happy at good school, I have my life of voluntary work, hobbies and a few friends, and everything OK. I miss work and the independence of my old life, but it's fine. One month after returning from summer hols DH tells me last night that he doesnt think he can stand another year (only 9 months really, for the school year) and is miserable and unhappy with his new boss, and wants to resign. I sympathise (used to work in a similar field and know what the pressures are), but it has left me feeling as unsettled and miserable as him, and the stakes - leaving mid year, moving homes, countries, schools and having to find a new job/jobs - seem so daunting. Dont want him to tough it out if it's really unbearable of course (he gets very stressed at the best of times), but just feel so hopelessly powerless. Not realistic for me to become the wage earner here when we were planning a move back next summer, and I have not worked for 3 years, but anyone out there been in a similar position? What did you do?

I think you need to delve deep with your DH into looking for a lifestyle that works for both of you - your current life isn't working for either of you, so you need to think really hard about how you made the choices that got you to this point.

Thanks Bonsoir. When we decided to come here, things were very different - we'd both taken redundancy and were looking for an adventure with the children. We've had that now, enjoyed most of it, and are looking forward to returning next year: it was just the sudden bombshell of DH saying we might have to go back a lot sooner if he cant stick his job for another year which was making me feel as if I have no independent existence/control over my life! Needless to say, he had a better day yesterday. Grr!

Time for you all to start planning for the life you do all want and organizing so you get it. In the meantime he should tough it out with his existing job. There must be some way he can talk to his boss and sort out some of the problems? It will take 9 months to decide where you want to be, research it and find a new job surely. Certainly jobs in the UK are not easy to come by. What he must not do is resign until he has got the new job. I know it isn't much fun doing a job you hate but he must just think about his references and how he is providing for all of you.

Sorry but I'd tell him to just put up with it. It's 9 months and unless his boss is beating him up on a daily basis it's really not 'unbearable'. Resigning without a job to go to is also not a great idea in the current environment and you really want to do a controlled exit at the end of the school year which will disrupt the children far less. Plus if you go back before jan you'll be uk resident for the 2013-14 tax year which would suck financially.

9 months is only 36 weeks or so, it's nothing really, and that will fly by with the amount of time it takes to secure a new job. Especially if he decides to go for anything in the Middle East, which could easily take a year to finalise. I think he needs to be prepared to tough it out, while you make a joint decision about what to do next. Men are very good at coming out with grandiose statements like this, in my experience, without realising the reality of how things will actually pan out i.e. over a much longer time scale than your husband predicts.

It is quite usual to come back from a holiday and start to see all the problems with your job. However resigning without a new job to go to is very unwise. If it was truly that bad it would have been obvious before going on vacation.
I suggest you encourage him to look for a new job, but also talk to him about how important some stability is for you and the children. Even as a trailing spouse it should not be all about him, he is married with a family.
It won't be long until your children are in school years where they may need to stay put for a couple of years or more.
Something for to show him if he finds the thought of lasting another nine months too much.

Thanks everyone. Really helpful. As you say, 9 months will fly by, especially if we are looking to get jobs back home. Part of the problem is that we dont know where we want to live or what we want to do back in the UK (he says he needs a change - I'd be happy to return to our old family home, at least until we decide properly where we want to be longer term, but I dont want to go back to my full-on, full-time career even if anyone will have me after 3 years out) so there are a lot of imponderables (and all the more reason for us to spend another 9 months here planning)!

Feel for you, LM!
Personally wdnt like the upheaval of moving back to UK home temporarily only to move on again, sounds exhausting and disruptive. Can't you use the 9 months to make a definitive choice, even if it's moving back to a new area, you could rent there first?

The thing that strikes me most is your feeling of powerlessness. He decides to up sticks and that's it, you're just meant to follow? You both agreed to the extension to his contract, which had consequences for you which you've accepted as being best for the family. He now needs to do the same.

I sympathise with him - I've just resigned because I can't take my job any more. But I wouldn't uproot my family unexpectedly without a great deal more planning and thought - and my DH's agreement.

So, broadly-

1. Do you need to be within an easy commute of London or another big city?

2. Where is your current house? How are the schools? What would your lifestyle be like there?

3. Any other roots/pulls to elsewhere?

4. Anything from your current location/lifestyle you'd like to replicate in the UK? If so, how/where could you do this, realistically?

wish i could answer my own questions!

I'm with you (also in the Far East)

I have a three year plan to return to the UK (my dds are doing exams, so has to be timed properly)

Soemtimes it doesn't seem that long, but then dh starts talking about another expat posting after that, and a move to the UK starts being talked about as maybe rather than definite.

I'm bored tbh, my youngest is now 12 and if we were not expats there is no way on earth I would have been a sahm this long.
I'm 43 and would like to retrain for something, but feel I might be getting too old to start again

I'm busy with hobbies and volunteering, but know exactly how you feel

Your dh needs to get on with his job and the 9 months will go quick especially with all the planning needed for afterwards

Yep, I agree with you, OP, about powerlessness. And it's not that I disagreed with coming out here, nor did you, but the continuation of it (or discontinuation) feels as if it is out of my control. I'm also in the Far East (in the same city as Fatowl I think, if memory of other threads serves right).

Yes Salbertina - all excellent questions - and you writing them down really brings home that we cant avoid them much longer. I suppose I am worried that mine and DH's fundamental thoughts on some of them may turn out to be quite different and that resolving that will be hard. Our ex pat move has thrown all the cards up in the air and is forcing us to confront things about our lives, jobs, friendships, aspirations for ourselves and our children and goodness knows what else in a way jogging along in the UK would not have done. Not a bad thing, just very difficult for serial procrastinators such as DH and I (we DO have that in common)! Also, DH's view of what he wants when he gets back (a quiet life, self employment, living deep in rural Scotland where we have never lived before), is, I suspect, significantly influenced by it being the opposite of his current stressful job/lifestyle, whereas I am thinking of my own job prospects (I'm nearly 50 and had a successful career for over 20 years before our move) and the equally stressful life of ferrying a couple of pre-teens around the countryside! But thanks to all posters - Mumsnet is the best when it comes to stuff like this that I would struggle to say out loud to even my friends here (not least because word could get back to DH's employer very quickly)

Surely after you being the trailing spouse for some years it would now be his turn if you want different things when you return to the UK? You haven't surrendered the right to your own ambitions just because you temporarily put them on hold to support a move overseas.