Long term expat- suddenly very lonely

[FatOwl]

I'm British but have lived in Asia for 10 years. I have three dds, one at uni in the UK and 2 at secondary British international school.

DH works away a lot and our relationship isn't fantastic tbh.

I have always had a good circle of friends, but in the last 18 months an awful lot of them have moved onto other other countries. I had four close friend, two left in July (at the end of the school year, and the other two are leaving at Xmas)

The rest of the people i know are really only aquaintances.

When dd3 was at Primary I was heavily involved at the school and met people that way, but the parental involvement at secondary is much much less (I understand that)

I don't work (no work permit), but I do have a volunteer role which I really do enjoy. I am good at it as well (trying not to sound up myself) and have just been given a good service award and promoted to a new position within the organisation. However this new role is much more admin rather than people based, and I'm not enjoying the new role as much as i thought I would.

I've just spent the summer in the UK and have come back to earth with a bang, missing dd1, my sister, my mum etc. All I see here is bleached coiffered ladies who lunch, which I have never been a part of. People who see me probably think of me as very outgoing etc, mainly because of my volunteer role, I organise large events etc, but really I never seem to get beyond that "polite aquaintance" level of friends

I am another long term expat in Asia in a similar situation. I have tried clubs, art lessons, swimming sessions, all sorts. I meet people but I don't click with them. Sorry I am no use but I do sympathise.

Are you in KL?

I think that the problem is that there are very few people that you can ever be yourself with. You don't have that shared history and culture with other people. That's why immigrants historically cluster together when they move to a country.

You always have to be your best self when you are an immigrant. Otherwise you seem ungrateful.

Is it just time to come "home"?

I've been away since 1994 (came back for uni, but spent holidays overseas) and it just hit me about 6 months ago that I need to come home.

Like you, I've tons of acquaintances but I can think of only one person I'd like to spend the day with and she's an hour away anyway (I met her on mumsnet, no way our paths would've crossed otherwise).

I've never been what you'd call a super-sociable person, but now I long to go out to the cinema with a friend or two and crack open a bottle of wine - and the language barrier has finally worn me down.

We're moving back in the new year, big decision.

Hi,

I have been doing this for 15 years now. I have just recently moved to a new country in Asia. This is our fifth posting, and having spent so much time in the past worrying about friendship groups, then finding them, then going through all the drama of falling in and out of favour, I have decided NOT to be active in meeting new friends. I will let people fall into my path as they come.

DH previously worked 16 hour days, and now he works less but has weird hours, which mean that I am alone most days from 1pm till after midnight.

It is a lonely life, I admit that, but I am spending the time improving myself: training for a 10k run, about to sign up for an online course in Graphic Design (online courses are great BTW), learning how to drive. The rest of my time is spent dreaming up delicious recipes with the limited resources that we have here, and entertaining the kids.

I can imagine that it is difficult when you have older children, and your life DOESNT revolve around them. It is also difficult to come back after summer at home (although, I am usually happy to have the 'help' that I dont have when I am at home).

I spent some time in Russia, and it was a really tough place to be, especially in the winter, and I always found that having something organised (like a trip away, or back home), every three months gave me something to aim for. You could try this.

You are not the only one that feels this way, and your mindset will change back into the way of things. My heart goes out to you.

Chin up
Bluex

Thanks for your responses

I am just feeling down really.
I know plenty of people, but then they all seem to group together and I find it hard to break into firm friendship groups.

It has been harder since DD1 has been at uni and dd3 went into Y5-Y6, when the school starts encouraging less parental involvement. (she is now Y7, and my child free days have been lengthened dramatically- no more school runs)

I want to move home definitely. The only thing really keeping me here is the school, which I really love.

DH knows I want to move back and we are thinking in three years time. This means dd2 (now in y11) can complete GCSEs and A-levels, and dd3 will have just finished Y9 (ie about to start GCSEs)
All his experience is in Asia though and his job would still be likely to be based here, so we would be apart a lot, but we do function better as a couple when we have plenty of space tbh.

I know the thing to do is break up the time, I do kind of do that.
I'm going to book dd1's flight here for Xmas next week. (will be looking forward to it this year- don't normally like Xmas here!)

Loopy, yes I am in KL, please don't "out" me if you know who I am

No no, I don't know who you are, but also in KL (recognised the feel of it from your post) if you want a drink?

Loopy you're very perceptive if you got it from that!
Thanks for the offer, how long have you been here?

Only a year. I'm working and DH is at home with our littlest. I've not found it anywhere near as hard as him to find people. Did suggest Chin volunteering to him, but tricky with the toddler.

I can imagine a SAHD role is hard here, they are fairly thin on the ground!
When we first arrived with my then 2 year old, I was astounded how different parenting was, even among the europeans.
There were very few actvities for kids to do with parents- everyone assumed you wanted to drop off and go to starbucks while someone else entertained your child. Pre-schools were full time or nothing. People used to think you were mad for taking the kids out rather than leaving them with a maid!

Coming at this from another angle.

You've been happy there, and you've made friends or at least acquaintances (albeit from people you might not choose in other circumstances) and found an occupation, and found satisfaction with your family.

What's changed? What leapt out for me is the comment in the OP that DH is away a lot and the relationship "isn't fantastic". My guess is that all the difficulties were worth it, and your life could be happy, when the family unit including DH was functioning. The trip home showed you that the marital difficulties aren't OK, and that without a mutually rewarding primary relationship the whole purpose of why you're living like this has vanished.

Is that possible, or am I very wide of the mark?

You're not that wide of the mark.
Dh definitely have our ups and downs, and because we are here in our own little family bubble (ie no long time family friends, no extended family) they do seem to be worse than they in reality are.

I'm probably just bored as well tbh. If we still lived in the UK, there is no way one earth I would have been a SAHM until dd3 was 12!

Feel for you, Op. it can be a weird and v lonely- while-in-the-thick-of -people life. You're not alone in this though- like you i have a tricky relationship w dh, like you wd be working if in UK. I think these factors can drive one up the wall- the isolation, the forced dependency, the lack of breadth of people to provide breathing space- extended family, friends etc,

Yes, I agree entirely with the isolation and forced dependancy. Sometimes I feel like I'm a passenger in DH's adventure, and that it might be years before I get to do anything very meaningful, if at all.

Two things rang a bell with me me from your OP. Firstly, the difficulty of returning abroad after the summer in the UK and the "here we go again" feeling of picking up the life here. Each year is a little (or a lot) different depending on which friends have left. Secondly, the difficulty of having older DCs at school or university in the UK, and how far away they are, and how different the family unit feels without them.

I'm a long term expat too, very very long term, and I think it may very well be time to go home for me too. I have lived literally in too many countries to list, but in my last posting I do remember thinking it was time to move on after 4 years, as I lost all my friends bar one in the space of 6 months. That was in a very transient country in Asia.

I'm now in Europe, and it's happened again. I'm probably down to about 3-4 friends, and that's it. We are about to move again, and I really don't know if I have the energy to go out there and make yet more friends, who will leave, and share bits of my life to try and form a connection with them. I can't be bovvered, at the moment, I really can't. We too have decided that we need to go back to the UK, and have set a time limit of 3 years in this next posting. Heaven only knows how I will manage the next 3 years with DS at school now in the UK, and with a DH who travels. I think I'm in the same position as you, albeit without the voluntary position.

I think you should just keep that 3 years in mind and try to start rebuilding with your DH. Arrange cinema trips, or museum trips, or weekends hiking or at the beach - something to give you shared experiences again. And you never know, if you keep going out doing something you may very gently meet other like minded expats who are happy to be friends with you! (well, that's what I'll be doing, anyway....). Good luck!