Friendships - expat ones, old ones, new ones...

[alwaysonthegoo]

Having just had a brief visit from an "expat" friend (we both lived in the same place for 3 yrs and have now both moved) and not finding the visit really enjoyable, I have started to think about the fairly parlous state of all of my friendships.
The friendship is not close though we have both made the effort to visit one another in our new countries and I appreciate that enormously. However I can't shake the feeling that it is something she is doing to keep friendships going for her daughter and not to see me. (looking at your FB on your phone and saying you must post something when you are seeing someone for only 4-5 hrs) In my experience, many expat friendships start because of the children but you do want it to be also because of you as well. The children are very young all under 6.

Maybe it is my downer on myself that causes me to see it this way. Not all friendships can be close and meaningful but I find "casual" friendships quite difficult when you have known someone a long time.

I am interested in anyone's thoughts and experiences of friendships since becoming an expat.

thank you for your time

I agree expat friendships can be utilitarian and time limited but one because of the kids? Nowt to do with expat life, imho, we experienced the same in the UK- you pray your kids get on with your friends' kids but doesn't always happen and social invites on both sides can be because kids get on not because the parents do.

I've found that expat friendships can be very intense for a few years but then one of you moves on often it doesn't quite work anymore. I think the friendships are very specific to a certain set of circumstances that you are all experiencing together and often you invest a lot of time in people that you wouldn't naturally click with in 'the real world' and unfortunately your differences end up being exposed when circumstances change.
I have some fabulous expat friends that I do keep in touch as we all move around the world but we have never managed to recapture exactly what we had when we lived in the same location.
Although we haven't lived in the UK for many years now, I still feel that my friends there are probably my longest lasting friendships as they happend organically over the years rather than being condensed into the 2/3 years that is the duration of an expat posting.

Sigh, yes. I certainly found that last place when I had two very small children, terrible sleep, lonely, with a few too many "yummy mummies", I ended up seeing people for the sake of it. You needed to fill your days and whereas I am sure some people didn't without a second thought, I found it demoralising and depressing. Feeling you would go crazy alone and seeking company, any company. Terrible for you and the other person. And I shudder when I think the mother and baby groups...

But there were some really nice people, people I wish I had got to know earlier, people who I wish I had made more effort with (had I not been so knackered, down).

When you do move FB is good as it does allow people to keep in touch, but if it is not based on a good friendship underneath it, then is it just "collecting" people? I cannot make up my mind with this person if I am just one of the collection or I should just lighten up and take people for what they are, speak every so often and see one another if we are nearby ( we were on the way to somewhere else for her), but just not read so much into things.

Things are much better now - I make friends now largely outside of whether the children are friends and that is far better for my self esteem. Maybe it just all relects the fact that I lack close friendships and have few friends from pre- expat days and most of those are not close.