Moving to Australia but relationship going through rough patch :( Advice pls

[KellyGarcia]

Ok. We were all set to move to Oz a few years back and were going to sell up and move out in 2008. As we all know, the bank situation happened and our house would not sell. I fell pregnant and we stayed here hoping that the markets would get back on track.

Well, a few years down the line and the visas are about to expire. We have just sold our house and OH is ready to go to Oz. I am worried now though. The cost of living in Oz has risen so rapidly and the exchange rate is now so low (compared to around $2.50 to £1 as it was when we wanted to emigrate originally). We don't have much in the way of savings - enough to cover flights, getting the boxes we have shipped and around 3 months short term rental to allow us time to find long term rental in an area we like and DS can go to school.

The other (and probably more worrying for me) issue is that I have grown concerned about my relationship with OH. We have had our ups and downs over the years but I can feel this nagging feeling that I should not uproot my family to the other side of the world (although I really wanted to live there before we had DS) where there is a possibility that our relationship may fail and then I am kicked out of the country cos we are all on his visa then what happens to DS as I know Australia only lets children in and out of the country with permission of BOTH parents.

Sorry this has become a long post. I know that I should not go through with something so life changing unless I am 100% sure of my relationship but we have been planning it for so long and it has cost sooooooo much money AND I know I will always wonder "what if" if we don't give it a try.

I would think about what you would do if your relationship broke down. Would you be happy to live in Oz as a single mum? The stress of moving and having to learn how to live in a new culture can put your marriage under immense strain. If its already rocky, then this kind of move is going to be make or break. Do you both have jobs to go to or would you have to be job-hunting as well?

I agree with Yetanotherworry. Our marriage was strong before we left for our move to Asia. However the stress of the move (mostly around school, so not the actual move per se) put us under an enormous amount of strain and at one point I didn't think we would make it. Thankfully we have and we are making our way back stronger than ever. But as I said we were in a really good place beforehand.

Sorry OP I really don't want to put your off. It's just amazing how things can go downhill so fast, very frightening. Could you apply for a visa extension (I don't know how they work)?

Thanks for the replies. I suppose I kind of know the answer is "don't go if you are not 100% sure" but it's just such a long process to get the visa then it was selling the house (which I never thought would sell but it just did so now I HAVE to make a decision) so it is like when you are asked "Where do you see yourself in 5 years time?" at a job interview and you give the best case scenario to get the job but then where you actually are 5 years later is totally different you know?

One day I am like "Just give it a go... Only one life" n all that and the next day I am thinking "Do not go to the other side of the world with this man" so it is extreme ups and downs.

We don't have jobs to go to - he is going through his contacts now as they said to get in touch once the house sold and we were definitely going so he is dealing with that. Not sure what I will do when we get there as everything is dependent on where he secures work.

It's strange though because I was thinking this wouldn't really be an issue for me if we were moving to the other end of this country. I wouldn't be thinking maybe we should split up then. It is purely because it is so far away and I don't want to end up divorced and on my own in Oz and feel trapped there until my DS is old enough to come and go as he chooses.

We split up five months after moving over to Perth, turns out he'd had an affair in the uk the year before.
Anyway it's fucking awful now because IVF given up our life in the uk, I can't reclaim it so given that is have to start all over again there I figure I might as well start all over here, only I have no family support, no government support and the cost of living is horrific. I'm giving it until Christmas to see what happens with my job, Perth is as dead as a dormouse at the moment job wise, see if his glittering career is all that or the usual load of bollock he spouts and if they are neither I'm going back to the uk without a pot to piss in and probably have to home school my kids whilst living on benefits. Brilliant.
Personally I would stay put until you know exactly where you stand. If you divorce in Australia it's no fault and you get fuck all.

Emigrating is a hugely stressful business, even if your relationship is solid, there is no way I would have moved to Oz if my relationship was shaky. And is you husband certain to get a job? I know of many people on 457 visas losing their jobs at the minute, and as you only get 90 days to find another sponsor, many are going back to the UK. Another consideration if you are planning to come to WA is that they introduced school fees of 4k per child per year for 457 visa holders, a huge blow for some people.

Having said all that, we love it here, and it was definitely the right choice for us, Perth is a great place for families IMO. We have been here six months and are settling in very well, but the first few months were a roller coaster!

Don't do it unless you can live independently with your own income. You can never predict what might happen. You could be abandoned and your partner could end up clearing out your bank account, before you know it, you could be penniless, nowhere to live, no job, no financial support, worst of all you could end up so emotionally traumatised, you are unable to care for yourself or child. So be prepared for all eventualities.

No. Not without jobs. You haven't said where you're heading, or what you do, but you are correct -It is VERY expensive to live over there. You will be stuck if you separate. Have you been before?

I do want to qualify what people are saying about it being expensive. Yes it is, but wages are high. We are here on a single wage at the minute, and not a big wage either but it's enough for three of us to live on and have a higher standard of living than we had in Ireland. A lot depends on your expectations, we didn't expect to get the big house with pool lifestyle straight away, but maybe next year. :)

We looked at it, but although my husbands wage would be a little higher it wouldn't be high enough to make up the difference in cost of living. Food and housing are astranomic compared to here. If you are in high earning careers it might be different, but wouldn't work out at our end of the spectrum.

We were a lot better off in the UK, we don't have the pool lifestyle either, never will have if we want decent state education and given the cost of private that's what we are facing. I had three in private school in the uk, not a chance here.

I think that there is too much at stake for your kids and yourself, so personally I would not risk it in your situation.

Maybe make a list with all the advantages and disadvantages of moving, including a best case and worst case scenario.

The try to judge what the chance is that you end up in the base case, worse case and best case scenario. Maybe this would help you to make your decision and help you talking it through with your dh once you have made up your mind.

Don't do it.
There is another poster on here who has a rocky relationship and has moved to Australia with her DH and 3 DC, she is going through hell because he just leaves her to it while he swans off on work things, she has not found it at all easy to settle in and meet people or make friends. Last I read, I believe she's looking at returning to the UK with the children and not going back.

I really would not do this in your circumstances - it's phenomenally stressful, especially if you don't actually have a job to come to as that just makes everything so much more stressful.

Mosman - sorry to hear that your relationship hasn't survived - wasn't anything to do with MIL, was it?

No the MIL is entirely blameless to be fair other than raising a lying piece of shit who thinks with his dick but she had limited input - must be in the genes!

I would advise against doing it unless your relationship is bullet proof and/or you can live with the consequences of it going wrong and being stuck overseas. Australia is a fantastic country, but it is a long way from home if your marriage breaks down and unlikely you would be allowed to leave w/out DH consent anyway. I completely second what glastocat says - being an expat can be very stressful; when dh (aussie) and i left the UK we had our ups and downs but basically had a fairly strong marriage. it has been severely tested by our move abroad (Europe) and i am not sure we will make it. Sorry to be glum.

Don't do it. As the others have said, a move abroad tests even the strongest of relationships - this is not the move for you.

Is there any room for compromise? A move to somewhere that isn't so far away? Or a move which is definitely only for one year?

Definitely don't do it.

Someone I know left her dh when she had been living here for 18 months. She lost custody of her children who were 3&6 at the time. Her dh had a steady job and she didn't so he got them. They came on her visa though.

He moved across town (for financial reasons, and she had kept the home) and she is just screwed. She sees her girls every other weekend.

She's got no kids, a shit job as a gym receptionist (she had a career in the uk) she has to pay maintenance no family to support her and she can't go home as her dc are here.

There was talk of her dh getting transferred recently. It's not like if you live in Leeds for example and your work offers you a job in Southampton and you turn it down as you have lived there all your life and you have roots. Once you start moving another move is so much easier. So he might go and live seven hours away.