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Living overseas

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Third culture kids

13 replies

Alligatorpie · 02/06/2013 21:29

Interesting article about raising children overseas

rendezvous.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/05/28/where-is-home-for-a-third-culture-kid/?smid=fb-share

OP posts:
IKnowWhat · 02/06/2013 22:38

Umm, sorry but I thought that was a bit of a duff article. Blush. I didn't think it was well written.

However, It is an interesting subject. My DCs were born in various overseas countries and we have only recently settled in the UK. My DH and I are british. My DCs are in their late teens so nearly all of their Childhoods were spent 'abroad' They don't seem to have a problem with not having an answer when they are asked where they are from.

They have muddled accents which makes them seem more foreign than they might otherwise. They are glad they lived overseas. We were lucky that all our moves were positive experiences. They have known lots of other kids in the same situation so they don't feel odd.
I am interested to see if my kids turn out to be big travellers or the type to stay closer to 'home'

marcopront · 03/06/2013 05:00

I agree with IKW. It is an interesting subject, that the article does not do justice to. My DD is definitely a TCK, she had lived in 4 countries by the time she was 4, the country of each of her parents and two others. We are still in the 4th country now.

Alligatorpie · 03/06/2013 05:13

I meant to post that I found the comments more interesting than the article. Also I am looking forward to seeing the film. And I agree the article wasn't particularly well written.

My older dd clearly identifies as being from the country she was born in and lived in for five years, despite having dual nationality since birth. We are entering our third year in another country where dd2 has only ever lived. I think she will be have the 'who cares?' attitude. Dd1 still says she wants to go home when she is really upset / overwhelmed. I have to gently remind her that this is home (for now anyway)

OP posts:
JoandMax · 03/06/2013 05:19

It is interesting and something we have thought about recently having just done our 1st overseas move with a 3 and 4 year old.

My DH was TCK, his parents moved abroad when he was 7 and are still abroad now 25 years later. He only has positive memories of growing up and a great relationship with his parents so has always wanted to do the same with our DCs.

If I ask him where home is he just says it's where me and the DCs are, it's not a place it's the people that signify home to him which I think is rather lovely!

Even though I always lived in UK my parents moved around a bit so so where they live now I never lived, my siblings, aunts, cousins all live around UK so there is no fixed home for me either. I can't say it's ever bothered me, I don't feel a lack of belonging or anything like that.

butterfliesinmytummy · 03/06/2013 08:08

I am English, DH is Scottish, DD1 was born in Scotland but doesn't remember it, DD2 born in Singapore, both kids about to move to US. They go to an international school where diversity and multi-culturalism are celebrated (50+ nationalities / ethnic groups) - they are genuinely curious (and therefore knowledgable) about different people and cultures. We have always told our kids that home is where their family is. Tbh I think it's a bit of a non issue....

marchmad · 03/06/2013 08:44

Agree it's a non issue, if you want to make it such. You can make it easier by focusing life on family and school and activities where you live, you can make it harder by constantly travelling back to where you originally came from and never spending enough time where you live.

You can also get a huge ethnic diversity in local schools in the UK, you don't have to move abroad for that! You can also have an unsettled life by moving several times within the UK. Home is wherever you are and whatever you do to make it such.

IKnowWhat · 03/06/2013 09:00

If anyone asks my 18 year old where he is from he says he is a pirate Grin

I think the most important thing for the kids is to be from a happy home. I think it would be awful to not have a base and be living with fighting parents or similar.

I was raised in a small town and didnt fly or leave the UK until I was 18. [Blush] I do find it amazing how different my children's lives have been. I can't say one lifestyle is better than another. It is more a case of this is what it is.

I think my kids are more comfortable in new situations that they would have been if they hadnt had to chop and change schools. They certainly make friends easily. I am conscious that we were really lucky in the timing of our moves as the kids always seemed ok with them. I was always very honest with my kids and never said that everything would definitely be fine, even though things did always turn out well.

I have seen a lot of families where living overseas doesnt work. Its not for everyone and I don't subside to the line that kids are so resilient they will adapt to anything. I don't think it is true, just like some adults, some kids find multiple moves upsetting and disconcerting.

pocketandsweet · 03/06/2013 10:55

iknowwhat I like your 18 year olds answer :)

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 04/06/2013 13:32

I agree the article is just trotting out stuff everyone has seen before and doesn't seem particularly perceptive.

I think the third culture thing is possibly a red herring - the rootlessness is to do with moving often and crucially not being integrated and part of anywhere. If you live somewhere in the UK that you never felt a part of, because you have held yourself, or been held by your parents, apart from the community, you will feel absolutely rootless, without a third national culture involved. This can be within a country, although extra languages and cultures in the mix will exacerbate it if handled wrongly.

I think the "home is where your family are" idea is dangerous for children - it works when children are young enough not to want more, but once they fly "the nest" there is nowhere to go back to if parents move every few years. For adults its fine - if you as an adult decide to start a nomadic lifestyle, but a nuclear family is not a home, and if something happens to the parents the child is doubly orphaned, as the parents are their world - a very psychologically vulnerable situation potentially.

The comments are more interesting. This one though applies to me, and my parents moved a lot (including a couple of separate "locums" abroad when I was small, but otherwise it was moves within the UK:

"I don't have anywhere that I feel truly at home. I have friends all over the world and I can get along with anyone. I feel that this set of experiences will become more common and provide one with useful skills in life, especially in this global economy.

However, I'm jealous of people who know where they belong. Maybe they didn't have the chance to know two cultures or grow up speaking two languages fluently, but all the experiences I've had aren't easy to share unless its with another TCK.

In all, that means that I can only really relate to people who also have no fixed point of origen and who are as restless and unsettled as me.

I'll probably raise my kids in the same way that I was, but I'm not really convinced that it's an overall better way to grow up. It's just a fact of life that you have to deal with."

My kids are 2nd culture kids if anything, we live in a country that is not mine but is theirs and their fathers, and I have no intention of moving them around if I can help it, because I don't want them to feel rootless - I don't think it is a non issue, but it is only a problem if parents don't think things through, blithely assume "children are adaptable" and use that as an excuse not to consider the implications of moves (or anything else) for the kids, and prevent them integrating anywhere.

pupsiecola · 04/06/2013 14:41

I totally agree with a lot of what you say MrTumbles. I think also much depends on where you live. We all struggled with Singapore for various reasons but I can imagine that there are places that would suit us all very well. Kids can be adaptable but there's a lot more to it than just that and if they don't/can't settle somewhere it's no reflection on them.

marchmad · 04/06/2013 18:40

Our children only have their parents. One set of grandparents can never be bothered and an only child of an only child of an only child, the other is so old and cannot travel. So our family is our nuclear family. I am immensely jealous of people who have loving extended families, but what can I do? I make do with what we have and not with what we have not. Home for our children is us and where they live.

suburbophobe · 04/06/2013 19:37

I'm a third culture kid myself, grew up in 3 countries, so from all but from neither. I like it. I can flow in and out of any conversation with anyone anywhere in the world.

My son was born and bred here but has a "forrin" dad, so not sure what that makes him. He's got a different colour to the locals but then there's loads like him - bicultural kids.

mamas12 · 04/06/2013 20:05

I'm a TCK a forces brat actually.
I deliberately decided that I would stay in one place to raise my dcs to give them roots and for them I don't regret that for one second. My child hood was different, don't have childhood friends, education could be described as haphazard. I do 'asymilate' quite well though.
Now,
For me I'm at the stage in my life - single living in a small town- where I am just counting the days until last cd leaves home and I can move! Ha!

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