Anyone regret moving back to the UK because they were so homesick.......

[scottswede]

Following on from the homesickness threads. I was wondering if anyone had moved back to their home country because they just couldn't settle, only to regret the move back home.....
I know everyone has bouts of homesickness, from every day to only on special occasions, from little things like not being able to buy certain foods to huge hating the weather issues. From taking a couple of months to settle to unbearable homesickness after 10 plus years.
What made you say"I just can't do this anymore"
Was moving back what you though, did you settle in, did you regret moving back, wished you'd stuck it out longer, taken more trips home to quench the thirst.
I am lucky I have the opportunity to return to the UK, with a willing dh (living in his home country now) we are making plans for next year. We have lived here for 3 years and I knew almost immediately it wasn't going to work though we have tried hard to make it, just not feeling the love.....
I know the UK is not the perfect place, but I know we can can a more enjoyable life there.

[Hanbax123]

Iam going to be moving back to the UK in a few weeks after living in America for nearly three years. My husband has a great job offer, but my two kids 11 and 8 are very settled and love it here. I feel sick at the thought of telling them we are moving back. So much to do it's very overwhelming.

[pupsiecola]

Are you moving back to the same area as before Hanbax? It's such a tough age for kids to move, and it only gets harder I think too. Have you got schools sorted?

[speechiesusie]

We went to Australia for a year and loved it. I love Australia with all my heart, however - I'm British and I feel British and ultimately, I would eventually want to return.

The reason we didn't emigrate was because I knew that my children would grow up as Australians and I would face the very real prospect that they didn't share our desire to go back to the uk when they were older.

I didn't want to face choosing between seeing my children and going home.

People thought we were over-thinking it (dd1 was 2, dd2 wasn't even born) but reading this thread actually makes me feel slightly better about what has been a horrible, horrible decision. There are tears several times a week (7 years since we left) and I find it very hard to live with at times. I'm not even sure I can actually ever go back to Sydney, it feels slightly traumatic.

[Amaike]

You have done the right thing. My mother is in Australia but suffered for a long time as we all left Sydney to go back to the UK where she is from. I have just come back to Australia after 20 years away and hate it! You have made a good strategic decision which will save you a lot of pain down the track as you won't have to deal with the tyranny of distance. Australia is too isolated and expensive to get away from. What is it that makes you upset all these years later? Am curious as I want to return to UK when my kids have left school.

[sharonsglover]

At the risk of wallowing in self pity, here is my experience of moving back and forth and possibly back again. (Help!)

We went to Australia through dh's work 4 years ago and stayed 2 years. My dh loved it (except for the guilt of leaving parents) but I was homesick the majority of the time and struggled with the cultural differences. I missed my mum and family/friends. My dh's mother became terminally ill and within a few days we decided to pack up and return back to UK to be with ill parent within weeks.

Immediately it was a very difficult time, winter, no work, and we couldn't get our children in the same school. My friends had moved on and I felt like I couldn't relate to them anymore. I noticed poor schooling, negative media, and the dark mornings and long evenings hard. Even extended family didn't make the effort with us I thought they would and I questioned myself why I ever felt racked with guilt when I was in Oz. I felt like a failure and a little bitter that no one understood the impact this had on us even though you could say we bought it upon ourselves. Eventually after several months dh found job in different part of country and only came home on weekends. Ironic that we came back for family and yet our little family was torn apart. We ended up selling our house and moving area to be together but dh still longs for life in Oz.

We have talked and compared about Australia every day since leaving and dh is desperate to go back in next 3 months. Children are now 8 and 10 so its now or never. They are settled here now and I am dreading the thought of them going through the upheaval again. We are planning on going to different and more affordable part of Oz but I am feeling sick with anxiety and worry that I may be unhappy there again (not that I am very happy here like I thought I would be). I want what is the best for my dh and dc but it seems inevitable that one of us will be unhappy in either country.

I too am envious of those who are content with their lot in life, peace of mind is everything.

In the words of The Clash, should I stay or should I go now??

Sorry for the long posting, hope you haven't gone off to sleep reading this one!!

[Amaike]

Hi sharonsglover - i sympathise with your situation but my strong advice is to stay in the UK. You will only be unhappy in Australia with the cultural differences and everything you were homesick for before. the upheaval will be unsettling as well. Unfortunately this is a case where either you or your dh have to be unhappy - don't let it be you!

[ifink]

Hi Sharonsglover, I feel for you - what is it that your DH loves so much about Oz which makes him want to return so much? I'm finding my own DH thinks Oz is this utopian land of no wrong. I love it here too and happy for us to stay a bit longer (2/3 years) but i'm not currently prepared to commit to a forever. I can't wholeheartedly put my finger on exactly why either - something to do with missing my friends (even though i've met some lovely ones here) and being 'british' in my own country but i do wonder if I enjoy it here so much now because I know we can go 'home' eventually!

Your comments about friends got me wondering though, perhaps I'm thinking that I'll slot back into life when the reality is that everyone will have moved on . I find my DH has no such feelings in relation to his own UK friends , he seems to just be blase about not seeing them....is this a male thing I wonder?

[Hairylegs47]

I do get times when I want to go home, but 8 weeks of being 'home' every summer really diminishes the feeling.

Everyone has moved on since we left the UK 7, no 8 winters ago and we no longer 'fit in' there. But I don't think we fit in anywhere tbh. Coming to that realisation was very freeing for me My friends aren't really friends, even my closest ones. Too many not shared experiences just created gulfs that were to hard to cross. I tried for a long time, but realising my friends only came to see me when I was home so they could store up ammunition about how different we were than before made me re evaluate.

Our grown up children are still in the UK, in my head I'd be doing the grandma bit, but, they all have their own lives, so really how often would we see each other? They all live in different parts of the UK, how would we pick where we live?
We still have 2DC with us who will, by the time they finish Uni and if they don't go to a UK one, have spent more time living away from the UK than they have living there. So what 'nationality are they now?

We've just moved to another ME country and I've learned there will always be things I'm going to miss, no matter how awful the country, but there's so much more to experience. I don't want to 'Go home' really regretting the decision down the line. The DC and DGC are free to visit whenever they wish, I'm hoping they are able to too!

[sharonsglover]

Hi infink, Yes I think most of the time (can't generalize of course) it is females who struggle more than men, maybe the emphasis for us is on relationships.

My DH loves surf, no class system, weather (he gets sad syndrome here) and mostly positive the positive/up for it attitude. So its hard to fill that criteria here. I think Hairylegs47 got it right in the fact that your friends will still be there but as you don't share any experiences for any length of time you become out of sync and mostly I have found I have changed more than I realized. This sounds awful but their world appears small to me now and its hard to relate.

Once the seed is planted by living overseas its hard to be happy with your lot in life as you know there is another life out there or global village as they call it now.

I guess you settle eventually though but not for a while?

[Amaike]

I have heard it takes 2 years to settle in to a place, for some people even longer. I am really struggling to get used to Australia after 15 years in the UK. I find it too isolated and unsophisticated here compared to London. The outdoor life is nice for the kids but Sydney is so expensive and hard to get around.

[sharonsglover]

Hi Amaike, Do you think you will be able (emotionally) to leave once your kids are older? Is the only reason you are staying now is because of your mum? If you cannot leave now, maybe you just need time on your side to settle once again

[pupsiecola]

I really feel for you sharonsglover and can relate to much of what you say. We were only away for a year but came back unexpectedly and largely due to circs beyond our control. We chose to come back to an area an hour away from where we lived before for all the reasons you state. Whilst that has been hard at times it was definitely the right decision. People just don't get what you've been through, especially if it wasn't plain sailing, and without wishing to sound mean the whole live in the same village/town your whole life makes me feel really claustrophobic. Global village - good expression.

The kids are really settled here (11 and 9) and that makes it very hard to consider another move, but resigning ourselves to staying in the UK long term is a grim thought. Of course it's been far easier these last few months because of the amazing Summer we've had (hasn't it been gorgeous - even yesterday we were in tee-shirts). It's been a really good distraction. But I do think I suffer from a bit of SAD too and I am not looking forward to the short days etc.

Nothing really to help you, but just to say there are others feeling how you feel - you're not alone.

[sharonsglover]

Thank you pupsiecola, I take a lot of comfort from your post knowing I am not alone in my struggle.

Do you think it is too late to move your children? Does your dh feel the same as you? I remember when we were in Oz hearing lots of stories of teenagers having a terrible time emigrating at such an impressionable age.

It is also harder I notice to make friends now the children are older in this country, unless you are from that village or met at baby groups etc

Its easy to have paradise syndrome though isn't it and I look back with rose coloured glasses sometimes.

Now the reality is staring at me

[BabCNesbitt]

Amaike, I think most places would feel slow and provincial after living in London. We moved back to the UK from the US (DH is American) because I was horribly homesick, but having lived in London before we moved, we're now living in a city up North and even that feels a bit claustrophobic compared to the capital!

[rushingrachel]

The claustrophobia thing is funny. I love being home, but it's weird and not always easy planting yourself back in an old life again amongst those who haven't been away. Silly anecdote. I was at the gym the other day and got out of my car to find that the person standing behind the car next to me was my ex boyfriend from 6th Form. Hadn't seen him for 20 years, and there he was. His opening gambit was "Rachel, you haven't changed a bit" (which I was pleased with). The follow up was "I'm surprised you've washed up back here" (less pleased about being "washed up"!) When you're overseas you kind of expect to keep meeting new people. When you come home you have to adjust to meeting old people!

[pupsiecola]

sharon in our case unless it was an amazingly brilliant life changing offer we would not move our kids again. The reason things didn't work for us in Asia was that DS2 (then 7) absolutely hated school there, and the school wasn't keen on him either. I've talked about it before on here, but they were convinced there was sth wrong with him developmentally. They sent us to some batty woman who asked him the most ridiculous questions:-

Her: I'm from outer space. I have no idea what time is. Explain it to me.

DS: trying to talk about a year and months and weeks.

Her: I don't know what those are. I'm from outer space.

DS: trying to talk about a clock.

Her: I don't know what that is. I'm from outer space.

DS: I give up.

Her: Oh, you have sensory processing issues.

Nowt wrong with him (apart from probably depression/withdrawal whilst there). Just a very very bad fit (IB system really didn't work for him as he was a bit slow on the uptake when he started school age 4 so he missed some of the basics and IB didn't really allow for that).

Anyway, I digress. We've been back a year. His report in July just gone was wonderful. He's exactly where he should be. And he's happy. He loves going to school. He's got a really cool male teacher who is about 15 (or looks it lol).

It would be, for us, incredibly selfish to uproot him and I'm not even sure we would do it for a vast amount of dosh. Also DS1 has just started at an excellent state secondary and is really happy and settled too and has found a lovely group of friends.

DS1 has never struggled academically but it takes a while for him to find his friends. DS2 is the exact opposite. So each have their challenges.

DH was absolutely gutted to come back, but understood we had to. Work was going really well for him. He was a round peg in a round hole where he was - right time, right place in his industry (quite niche). We sacrificed for the sake of the kids. What else could we do? And actually the relief of knowing they are happy and learning and in the right environments for them is immeasurable, because when you are stressing about your beloved 7 year old biting his finger nails down to the skin and not sleeping you really can't enjoy whatever adventure you are on anyway.

BUT if we hadn't been through all that then yes, we would consider another move, but I would try to remember that no place is perfect etc. I do think some kids are fine moving around and now DS2 has caught up I would be able to move him without worrying about that aspect. So I do think it is possible. Our situation was just peculiar and I didn't want you to think I'm saying you should never do it.

I think we may try again in a few years' time. Once the boys are off doing whatever they're doing. But we're a close family, all 4 of us, and I don't know if we would bugger off in reality.

The other thing we may do is move to London. We are really liking that idea. Perhaps a flat there and a flat in Surrey/Hampshire where we have grown up/moved around.

One thing I am doing is going back to college. I started a part-time HND in Business this week. It will take 2 years, and then I can top it up to a degree after another year. I realised I needed a focus, and I am also prepping myself for workplace re-entry when the boys are off 16+. Also as you say it is so very hard to meet people at this age, especially if you're not in a cosmopolitan city where people come and go. Another reason I'm doing the course is to just meet some people and have something for me. In a way it is a relief to be past the school gate phase :-)

It's taken me over a year to get to this point and I still have bad days, but they are fewer and further between. Of course there are massive things you cannot change, like the winter days and the loss of an adventure or missing family etc.

Whereabouts are you living?

Sorry for the essay!! (Practising for my college homework).

[Amaike]

BabCNesbitt you are right , after London most places will feel slow. I am not sure I will ever adjust but maybe time will work some magic. I hope I can leave when my children are older.

[Gummybear1]

Born in SA, and I moved to UK with wife and 3 kids at 40. The job paid a lot less but it was a career move to get a further qualification. So that went off well & I even got a better job offer in central London. But then the wife and i got homesick and so it wasn't long before we packed up and headed back home. Been back in SA since 2011, and I've had the worst case of expatitis. Not a day has gone by without me wanting to go back to the UK. I miss the public transport, the NHS, the schools, and even the weather.

Our oldest kid is 11, then 7,6,&1. So now would still be a good time to move. Problem is it takes a lot of courage to uproot the whole family, and start over again. It's daunting, with the prospect of getting homesick again hanging over our heads.

I think it's one of the hardest things to endure...the indecision of going or staying. Many a sleepless nights have been suffered due to this indecision.

I envy those who can just get up and emmigrate without churning endlessly in indecision.

My advice...don't ever leave the UK once ur there. It's a great place.

[kiwidreamer]

I am in deep deep angst over whether to stay or go, if I think about too much I feel ill with the worry and guilt of what is the right thing to do. DH and I are from NZ and have been living in the UK for almost 12yrs now. Its only in the past 3 yrs or so that I feel settled, have some lovely friends and 2 happy DC, DH would happily stay here. For past six yrs my folks lived here too but they have gone back to nz now. Ive always maintained we WILL go home but now we are looking at returning in the next year or two and I'm crippled by the guilt... we will be financially worse off moving back, I'm scared I wont fit in, all our friends have moved on, scared that it will be all my fault if it turns out to be the worst decision ever.

On the other hand its home, the DC will have their grandparents back and have access to the outdoor lifestyle I grew up with. We can always come back but its a massive expense and we are financially behind our peers because of being 40 and still not on the property ladder since we left NZ originally.

I know its not healthy to have regrets but we've made decisions in the past that have really put us behind the 8 ball and I'm scared this one will screw us for the rest of our lives.

[Amaike]

Re the above two posts, I recommend a great Ted Talk by Dan Gilbert on the science of happiness. It explains a lot about why having these international (reversible) choices makes us unhappy.

It has taken me 9 months of being in Australia, with no choice to return to UK, to not hate it every day. I can now see the benefit to the children of the safer outdoor life. Having said that, if your children are young enough to move, and you liked the UK before, you will like it again. Also, before you move, know your legal rights especially around The Hague Convention. If one parent changes their mind, the other one can be stuck somewhere they don't want to be.

[Moosey4000]

Loving these posts...) we have been in Sydney for 16 years & we are now looking at move back to the Uk in the next year or so.
So many reasons to go home & we are finding the weather here is not a good enough reason to stay. Although the thought of the long English winters is worrying! Mostly we are going back to be closer to family. My gorgeous Dad passed away last year & it was such a huge reality check for me. I now just can't bear the idea of my Mum getting older on her own....I am the only daughter who would help.
The trouble we are having is finding an area to move to & schools! We have 9 & 11 year old boys.
We have lived in London & Surrey before so for a life change & to feel like we are not just stepping back into our old lives we are looking at Bath are as an option.
Any help suggestions or. Input very welcome....))

[Pupsiecola]

*Moosey we were in Surrey until 2012 then spent a year in Asia. We have returned to Hampshire and whilst where we are is not the most inspiring place (we are in a highly residential area) there's a lot to recommend it. Great state schools (our boys are 11 and 9), 90 minutes to central London and Heathrow. 20 minutes from the New Forest/the coast, 15 minutes from Winchester/Southampton.

We did consider Bath and also the Cotswolds, but we moved back from Asia without coming for a visit and just didn't feel confident enough to choose somewhere completely and utterly new to us. So we moved an hour away from where we were in Surrey, to a vaguely familiar area. Bath is lovely though :-)

PM me if you want more details.

[itsveryyou]

We will be moving back to the UK next year after 3 years in America. We always knew it was a short term move and although we've had the most amazing adventure, I can't wait to get back to the UK. So many things I love about being here, but so many more I miss. Mostly friends and family, not having to explain myself the whole time, not being the 'outsider' and while people in the main have been incredibly welcoming and friendly, it's just not quite the same. Kids looking forward to getting home too, though they've been in an excellent school and had a fabulous time. DH would stay, but is also happy to go back. This time of year is particularly hard for me, I miss tradition and family a lot.

[MrsPaloma]

I've been living in Denmark for 20 years now and really want to go home to the UK. No DH anymore, no job, no friends, but 3 DS's, the youngest is nearly 16 and will be taking his exams in june 2015. I've learnt the language, but never really been happy here, have stayed for DS's sake. When I visit the UK I feel much more relaxed and happy :-) I keep saying to myself I'll go back to the UK when my DS is finished at school, but I don't know if I can leave him, because I love him so much. Though I feel like I can't take much more of these feelings inside. I've been homesick before, but never like this. I don't want to be a bad mother :-(
Is there anyone out there in the same situation or have you been and what happened?

[SmillasSenseOfSnow]

I'm not in the same situation as you MrsPaloma, what with only being just shy of 27, childless and I've only been here for just over two years, but I wanted to say that I am also in Denmark.

I've been reading this thread with interest because I often wonder just how long I'll be here and where I might go if I decide to leave at some point (which may require a fair bit of negotiating if it's with the partner in tow - he seems to be happy to stay in Denmark forever since he's never been outside except for a holiday or two as a child).

I lived in Germany for around 9 months before moving back to the UK for a year and then to Denmark, and I absolutely hated my time in Germany, which surprised me. The first year or so here in Denmark was quite isolating, but it's starting to pick up now. I'm getting on towards fluent in Danish and I'm about to start a very long university degree, which is taught in it, so I'm sure to be completely fluent pretty soon, and to finally gain a collection of my own fast friends, as opposed to people I know through my partner.

My degree will qualify me for a job that will allow me to move quite easily, thankfully. But I worry about future decisions I might find myself making, like those the people in this thread have been discussing. I think I need to get out and about and travel the world a bit more to see if that satisfies my wanderlust.