Having moved a lot, feeling depressed about the state of my friendships

[todolist999]

Sorry this is not an upbeat thread just before Xmas. I have been taking stock (probably on the back of writing Xmas cards) and realise how few close or even reasonably close friends I have. Have moved around a lot in the last 15 yrs with 5 of them out of the UK in two places.

I have no friends from school, none from Uni and one super friend from work, with a few casual work friends. Most of the people I know are from the last 5 yrs and they are people I do not know very well and now we have moved I email or speak to them intermittantly.

I have met some really nice people where we now live but they are casual friendships.

My husband is in a similar position.

Given that I think it does get harder to make friends the older you get and the more you move around, I don't feel too good about it.

And that is before I think about the friendships the children might make as they get older and potentially move around.

Just looking to hear experiences/thoughts.

Are you staying in one place for a while? Maybe make it your resolution to invite people over and be the friend you'd like - who knows what that could bring x

Thank you. Yes I have done that and have got to know some very nice people. However, it is the closer friendships that are lacking, people you have known for a longer time. The more you move the harder those friendships are to develop and maintain.

I completely agree. I moved around a lot as a child and as an adults. Sadly I have just worked it out and I have moved on average every three years for 40 years!! My last move was the toughest, but maybe that is because it is the freshest in my mind, When we left, a friend said, 'It's been too short!' and indeed many friendships do not survive the distance as our roots and shared history are not deep enough. I am doing Christmas cards too and wondering how many of the friends from two moves ago I should send cards too.

However, I have met some great people this time, ones that I could really spill my guts too and can understand how I am feeling by just looking at me. I have learned that talking and listening, being more open that comes naturally to us and mostly being overtly nice to each other makes us all feel loved. It's raw if something goes wrong but mostly good. It's almost like we create depth by being more open, though saying that, one close one moved away and I have put walls up again.

It is very hard. I grieve for friendships that will not make it, feel guilty for not making enough effort with some friends, angry with friends who don't reciprocate my efforts and I alternate between throwing myself into friendships and saving myself from the hurt of friendships broken by yet another move. I think I should make more effort to keep up with older friends but it is very hard to make a balance between the importance of friends who are immediately local and friends with whom you share a history.

Yes - we've moved every 2 years since I was a teen. I desperately want roots but you can't back-manufacture good friendships. I do find it hard.

MistyB - I could not have put it any better.

In our first move abroad I was totally in the expat scene, felt the pressure from the beginning to make friends. In hindsight missed some really nice people I could have clicked with and spent time with people who I was never going to really click with and flogged a dead horse at times, with the result that I had a falling out with one person which I regret as we should have just let it die a death.

This time I do very little expat stuff though will do a bit more I think in the new year. I have met some lovely local people and my life is much more normal than expat this time.

There is no substitute for regular, easy going contact with people for a real friendship to develop and I just do not have that many opportunitie for that. That is why my real (only) best friend is someone I worked with and met almost 20 yrs ago.

I am looking it from the side of an ex expat who has finally moved home and now find that the old friends I had have nothing more in common with me.

They are lovely, and I will continue to see them occasionally but we are too different now to be really close again.

I have met others in the past couple of months who I could imagine being close to, and am hoping that these friendships develop.

I don't however think it is so unusual to move on and find that friendships change. The women I knew when my kids were little were those that I shared that part of my life with. The women I know now that my kids are older, and I am not so constantly involved in their lives are not MY friends, not people I have met through my kids.

Do you have any hobbies that you could meet people through?

This is a tough issue, especially at this time of the year.

I first chose to go overseas as a teacher volnteer back in 1984. My original intention was to do a couple of years to 'get it out of my system', and then settle back into the UK for the rest of my life, building roota and friendships.

Move forward nearly 30 years and I have worked in 8 different countries. In that time I have met DW and for the last 12 years I have also been a father to two wonderful children. I do worry so much at times that the decisions I/we have made with regards globe hopping are going to have life long implications upon them. Implications that they may have not chosen themselves.

We are hoping that we can instil them with enough love that they will have the self confidence to thrive in the unfamiliar (e.g living in the UK)

It must be that time of year - this has struck a real chord with me.

Am an expat as well, for better or worse, and am in a country which causes me much frustration though also has occasional surprising flashes of loveliness. I move largely in the expat circle, though am doing lessons in the local language which helps a little, and it is a very small world.

As time passes I find the friends I have back home (in the UK) drift away and get on with their own lives, obviously, so whenever I go back there we're in a kind of suspended animation and can't quite reconnect again as easily as before. Which means that I do feel rather lost here and desperately not wanting to appear too needy which probably comes across as stand-offish. This has major repercussions as when I had a miscarriage in the summer, there wasn't really anybody I felt I could turn to, other than DH.

So am sort of in a bit of a glum situation too. I find it very difficult to know which friendships are worth pursuing and which ones are to be avoided at all costs. The transition from friendly chatter to more meaningful conversations is so tricky and I am hopeless at it.