long distance relationship - can it work?

[mrsnewname]

Background, I moved to Switzerland 3 years ago with dh (he got his dream job) and our (then) 16 month old dd. I found it much harder than i expected (hated not working, really missed big city life, found life very quiet). It had a very negative effect on our marriage...i was probably a pain to live with and my dh was unsupportive and treated me like shit because my hausfrau skills were non existent and i no longer bought in a big fat cat salary (this may be unfair on dh).

Anyway, we now have some friends (sadly all expats), another dc, dd1 speaks great swiss german (unlike her parents) and my dh still loves his job. The problem is that after 4 years i have had enough of feeling like an outsider and that my life is in limbo (we live in a small rented flat, we are much more skint here than we ever were in the UK thanks to the eye watering child care costs, going from 2 salaries to 1 and higher cost of living). I am learning German but it is a slow and painful process, which is annoying because I speak reasonable Spanish and thought I'd just pick it up quickly.

i know life in the UK is very hard and the grass is probably greener but i just feel that we, or more accurately, i am living a lie. we will never be part of the community and we're not ££ enough to enjoy the flashy expat life (and probably wouldn't want to anyway). CH is not for me - it's beautiful and life is easy but i find it sterile and living here makes me feel incredibly trapped and very old.

Problem is that dh is very reluctant to move (he's not from the UK anyway). Our marriage is pretty crap tbh, but we have 2 lovely children who adore their df. I would love any advice from someone who's been in the same position - could a marriage survive moving back and just seeing dh on w/ends? Do i just learn to suck it up for another 5, 10years? I just feel so resentful and bitter (and i know that i sound like a spoilt brat because we are very lucky in lots of ways to live here and our problems are very minor). Sorry this is so long.

Divorce guy you don't like that much. Move somewhere you want to live. Find soulmate.

I'm sure someone else will be along to fill in the extra words

I have spent the last nine years trailing after DH, I gave up my career to be able to go with him. We now have two DD's who live with me in one country whilst DH continues to travel the world! I wanted myself and the girls settled in one place for education and friendship reasons while he wanted to put everything into his career. We are still married, get on much better than when we were together all the time really. We talk probably three times a day on the phone and meet up whenever we can; school holidays mainly. It's not the most conventional of marriages but it works for us. Girls are settled and happy as well as being very well travelled. I am working again which I enjoy and as long as you don't panic when the lecky goes off or a spider needs disposing off its fine.

This has to be a really stupid question but why are you paying childcare costs if only your DH is working?

I think that long distance relationships can work - but I'm not sure yours would because you don't sound that happy with your DH as it is. Are you sure it's all on you? Do you really think you'd be happy going back to the UK as, effectively, a single parent and having him turn up when he feels like it?
The thing you have to look at is not how other people manage it, but how YOU would manage it.
I know a lady whose DH worked in Holland in the week and came home most weekends. She used to find his return borderline intrusive after a while because it disrupted their organised family life - and eventually he had an affair and left anyway.

A lot would depend on the strength of your relationship - and yours already sounds a touch rocky. :(

Wow, your post was uncannily similar to my experience which started in the year 2000. Dunno if this will help or not....

We moved from London to Switzerland 11.5 years ago. With 16 month old ds. I was 6 months pg, so shortly after, along came ds2. I spoke next to no German when we moved. Switzerland is particularly difficult to learn German, because Swiss people ime don't like speaking German so if you're a foreigner, they will likely switch to English, or if they can't they'll speak Swiss German, which I love the sound of, but is really difficult to understand. Like listening to German under water with a 3 second time delay.

Anyway, I couldn't work, due to language and young kids, then after 4 years we moved again to somewhere else in Switzerland, and had ds3, so again, re work and babies, stuck at home.

Our marriage did suffer. I love Switzerland, but never felt at home there.

Fast forward another 4 years, moved again with dh job, this time to Germany. I speak ok German, but have no confidence in it, can't write for toffee, as I learnt through speaking rather than courses, so my grammar is terrible.

Dh has just changed jobs again (he seems to manage 4 years then HAS to change). The kids are in school here, happy here. I'm the one stuck at home with crap language. everyone else is out there all day.

I don't feel I can get a job right now as I still feel unable to do it in German. and here the kids finish school at 1, so are home at 1.10, often sent home early if teacher sick, on course or what ere, and there's no notice (at secondary level) so I need to be flexible. My degree is not recognised, so can't do what I was trained to do anyway without retraining.
SO yes, I feel totally trapped, especially being so far down the line and everyone else is settled (except me)

I feel v. jealous when I go to UK and visit sil who is surrounded by english, friends and neighbours. I'll never be myself here.

So, in short, I'd say ime what you describe will not (massively) improve or change, so you need to decide if you want to live like that or not. If not you need to talk w. dh and make a choice. I think there are 4 options.

1. you put up with it.
2. LDR,
3. him staying and you splitting up, or
4. him coming to UK with you.

BTW, When dh got his last job, I was pg with dc4, and his new job was in Milan, and I really didn't want to go there, and really didn't want to give birth there, so he went without me, and we did the LDR thing for 6 months. I really thought it would be easy, as he worked such long hours anyway, I genuinely didn't see it would make too much difference. But I was wrong and it was V:V:V: hard and put a HUGE strain on our already strained marriage, so I would warn (for us anyway) that was not a good solution.

Good luck.

If things are not that wonderful now financially eg small rented flat then if you split up they are likely to be worse. Would you have anyone in the UK to help with childcare while you are out at work? Most single parents I know have help from other relatives .Could you not do something to advance yourself in CH? What about a degree in Spanish? Could you teach EFL?They must have something you could do. Your DH does not come from the uk and you married him knowing that: you must accept it

Thank you for all the responses, really appreciate it.

I do like dh sometimes! I just feel like we want very different things and the move has highlighted/exacerbated those differences.

Thumbwitch, I am currently doing (largely unpaid) PT consultancy in the UK (although I do it from CH) and also studying PT for a Masters degree, hence the childcare costs. Unfortunately I don't think the problem is not having enough to keep me occupied, i just feel in limbo/rootless and am panicking about getting stuck here.

EtB, love the description of Swiss German it always make me laugh hearing people saying 'halbi elfi'! Hope you find a solution too. I completely understand how you feel when you go home and see how settled everyone is. My 'fear' is that we will be here so long that the dcs are really settled and then I won't be able to uproot them. I didn't really think about this when we moved (just heard 1-3 years and then imagined we'd go back).

Putthatbookdown: of course I knew that DH might want to move home but he's not from CH! i also said before we married that i couldn't see myself emigrating permanently, so we probably shouldn't get married if that was an issue for him. At the time it wasn't an issue at all, he was more than happy to stay in the UK. That's now changed.

Anyway, enough moaning, the sun is shining. thanks for all the sage advice.

Is your Dh up for the change? Unless he agrees you won't be going anywhere with the children they are CH residents.
Dh and I did it for one year, I don't think our marriage would have survived any longer than that. But he was in USA and I was in UK so no weekend visits. Had decision to make. I hope you can find some peace and happiness somewhere.

We are in CH too. I feel your pain. I have never felt settled here.

On a very practical note, do check how it would work tax wise. We were informed that the tax rules were due to change and that DH living and working in CH and me and DCs living in UK wouldn't work. He could only come home once a month as his number of days allowance in the UK would drop significantly with dependents under 18 years old.

We did a LDR for 18 months, we were living in Eastern Europe (DH's home country, and I have some family roots there) and DH went to work in France for a year, then extended for another 6 months. I was working part-time, we had two young children. We were very settled and planned to stay after DH returned from France, but then for unconnected reasons we all came to the UK and started working here.

I had quite a bit of help - we had a relative (DH's aunt) who worked for us as a childminder, and I had some very good friends and DH's extended family (and some relatives of my own, but they were pretty useless). DH would come every two weeks for a long weekend.

I found the main problem was that DH seemed to become a bit out of sync with the family - life moved on, I made new friends, DC made new friends and we got into our own habits, and then DH would come, sometimes exhausted and just wanting to have a quiet time, but usually full of ideas and he would really struggle to slot into our plans and doing the usual things like taking the kids to birthday parties or taking DD to her dance class, because he wanted to spend the weekend together. I think he felt a bit left out really.
It was very difficult at one point when my DD was sent from school for assessment for ADHD, although we had always known she had some problems, it was a shock and I really struggled to accept it, and my DH went into denial and sort of behaved as if we were all making a fuss about nothing, because he wasn't there dealing with daily problems at school, and it made me feel very alone.

I don't think we would still be together if we had continued to have a LDR - you just start drifting apart after a while. On the other hand, I know loads of people who have had a LDR for short periods without problems, and I have a good friend who has had a LDR for the past 7 years and they seem fine - she lives with their two kids in the UK and her DH travels all over the place with his job. So it is possible.

I know this isn't much help, but just some thoughts. I really sympathise with you - it is horrible being stuck in a place where you can't see a future for yourself. Good luck with whatever you decide.

We found that too. Or I would do something differently, and dh would get annoyed. Often he was v. tired and grumpy, so the only time he saw the kids he was grumpy. During the week, phone condos were only superficial, but at the weekend, we didn't want a heavy discussion/argument, so that caused problems with things unsaid.

Stuff that needed doing around the house didn't get done, cos he was only home friday night till Sunday early evening, and din't want to do boring house stuff. It was just really difficult and stressful.

It really created an 'us and him' situation which didn't help.

My Dh went to work down south in the UK whilst I remained 7 hours car drive north, we came back at weekends.
You know what it was ok but if we didn't again, I would go out at the weekends and keep him where he is.
It maybe that when we emigrate to Australia I will got to Perth with the children whilst he gets through his probation period in Sydney.
I want to try out my career options but don't fancy battling through all the Sydney traffic, more to than that but that is the jist.

It can work and it's not as hard as you think but you have to want it to work, have lots of mummy and daddy time when you are together and skype every evening whether you feel like it or not.

I think you also have to have quality time together, get someone in to unblock the toilet do the decorating etc.