Keeping the kids grounded when you have a helper?

[pupsiecola]

We are hoping to move to Singapore soon. We try to get our boys (9 and 7) to do things for themselves (take their plates to the sink, put their rubbish in the bin, put stuff in the dishwasher, tidy their rooms etc etc). We've always tried to do this as I refuse to clear up after 2 lazy teenagers and the earlier you start the better. Just wondered how this compares with life with a helper because I wouldn't want them to slip into having everything done for them! Thanks.
K

I'm not certain what the issue is! You define your helper's job description. If that doesn't include tidying the kids plates and putting their rubbish in the bing then she doesn't do that and the kids have to.

It is completely your choice whether you have a household where the maid never enters the kids bedrooms or one where they get to call her from their private line and ask her to bring them a drink.

Thanks for your reply. When were were just visiting friends the helpers didn't seem to like it if you did things for yourself. I hadn't fully appreciated that our friends may have given them that sort of a brief. This is all new to me, hence my asking for how others make it work.

You might have to force it through. Some maids can get worried that they'll get in trouble for not doing things despite being told that. This particularly happens when someone has a brief that they don't care what the house looks like as long as the kids are looked after (assuming the maid has childcare responsibilities). The maid then ignores the instructions because she can't believe you won't shout at her if she hasn't done the washing up. It can be changed over time. The problem is it's very easy to get lazy.

I grew up with a helper. I still laid the table!

By 'get lazy' I mean get used to not having to clear the table. I'm guilty of this one now!

The definition of a helper's tasks are very very broad, so you can (within reason) tell them exactly what you do and don't want them to do (and then tell them another 10 x until they believe you when you say that there is no need to change the towels twice a day).

Slightly different for me as my son is a toddler, but he "helps" my helper with the housework (sorting socks, making beds etc) as he would if he were at home with me in the days, and I do make sure that DH and I tidy up after ourselves so the helper just does cleaning/laundry.

I do know some expats who don't even make themselves a cup of tea though, so there are all sorts.

Hmm. I think you're right to think about this. I grew up in Singapore with a helper (we called them amahs then), and although my mum tried to make us do household stuff, our beloved Julia took it as a personal insult if the house looked anything less than immaculate. Even if my mother told her not to tidy our rooms, she would do it anyway.

Then we moved to England and my mother got very grumpy at having to do housework. (A dishwasher helped a bit.)

Many years later, I still walk into the house and am surprised that it is as messy as I left it.

Thanks for that. Having boys, in this day and age, I feel I want them to be independent (cooking, washing, ironing etc), not reliant on a woman/expecting a woman to do all these things. TBH this whole maid business is freaking me out. It seems a bit of a nightmare. We just read The Help in book club and I feel like I'd be living in that kind of world and it doesn't sit well. Not wishing to judge anyone who has one. I'm sure I'll get used to it and I guess a big part of it is finding the right one for US...!

You know it's no obligitary don't you :) Seriously though, you have teenagers. There is absolutly no need for a helper (assume you're talking about livein). If you don't feel comfortable with the idea you can just get someone in to clean a couple of times a week (or do it on your own).

We have a live-in maid because we both work full time and have young kids. If I had teenagers I wouldn't want to give up on personal space and would just have a cleaner. There's nothing wrong with having someone just only do it if you want to!

Thanks for that. It has crossed my mind! My boys are 9 and 7. I like the idea of the babysitting and the cleaning and general help. There are plenty of benefits, I can appreciate!! I think I just need to give some thought around what I want and the try to find the right person (if there is such a thing!!).

IME you have to be ultra clear with both your helper and your sons about what she should and shouldn't do, right from the outset.

You might want to get a helper who really likes cooking (and everything that goes with it - meal planning/shopping etc). That way they'll have plenty to do without running around picking up after all and sundry!s

I want one!

I think you have to be explicit that part of her job is helping your children to become responsible members of the household. So she is expected to enforce your rules about the tasks they have. Not just that these things have to be done and they're your sons' jobs but if they don't do them it's fine for her to take over.

Let's face it, it's usually easier to clear the table yourself than to chivvy your children to do it. You're not making your helper's job easier by having your children do chores, just different.

I love the cooking idea. Cos I really don't enjoy cooking at all! It's bloomin' hard work getting them to do all these things but I'm hoping it will pay off.

We have a housekeeper and both she and I make it very clear to DC that she is not some lowly servant.

She will clean their rooms but they have to tidy them. She will wash and iron their clothes but they have to put them in the laundry basket. She certainly won't fill dishwashers or put coats on pegs when able bodied DC can do it.

They have to treat her with the respect she deserves.

Same as word factory

I'm in Dubai and tbh there are a lot of spoilt expat brats here.

Well said wordfactory.
Our last home help was a marvellous woman who worshipped DD. It was a two way thing, DD thought she was fab too.
Unfortunately, she was one of the 'do everything for her' camp and couldn't understand why I wanted my DD to be a bit independant.
It took almost a year before both stopped doing and being done for ITMS.

I'm in the UK, where I think there isn't the culture of having servants in the background, knowing their place and doing everything and anything.

We have our housekeeper to help us run the house, so that DH and I can work, not so everyone can be lazy arses. The DC know this.

You don't have to have a live in, there are cleaners and baby sitters who live out. I don't have anyone mainly because I want the kids to grow up with me and dh. We found and friends with maids they run round after the kids to be indispensable - I xm in the middle east and I have seen sights here that I doubt you could make up. Expat brats a plenty and lots of nannies and maids sitting chatting and ignoring the kids!

Same as wordfactory, although we are in Asia.

Our housekeeper is a tough old bird and my teenagers treat her with the utmost respect. They know that any special requests have to come through me.