Moving overseas for a second time with teenagers - experiences

[louisea]

DH was offered a job overseas but he was then refused the move by senior management. The job has now been re-offered and we have to make a quick decision.

We've discussed the situation with our children but are having difficulty making a decision. The background to this is that we spent 3 years in the Middle East, returned to England last July and our DT's have had some problems adjusting to life back in the UK. In part the adjustment has been difficult because the kids attend a Faith school. When we first asked the kids what they felt about moving again they were quite excited. I felt that this was because they saw a way out of their current problems. When DH was turned down for the job, the boys resolved to get on with life here. Now that the offer has come up again, one of the boys is very reticent to make the move. The other seems quite excited to still be offered the chance to go.

I'm really in two minds as to whether we should go. I would really like to hear people's experiences of moving their teenagers overseas for a second time. The decision would have been much easier had we not returned to the UK but we didn't have a choice at the time.

Boarding school is not an option. We've already discussed that with the boys and they won't consider boarding at all.

Their current problems are due to the fact that we left a fairly tight knit community and when we came back the boys were seen somewhat as being outsiders. Most of the kids moved up from primary school with an existing group of friends and the boys have found it quite difficult to slot in to those groups. They are being picked on quite a bit but are slowly finding their places. The one that doesn't want to leave is very worried that he won't fit in to a new school though we have reminded him that the majority of kids in an international school will have been in the same situation at one time or another. We have also struggled with a lot of illness this winter which has made things quite difficult. They have both had a lot of time off school which also makes them a target because the other kids think that they are faking a lot of their absences.

There are other problems as well which could take up a whole page.

Well, I have no real advice, only having moved my children while I could still tick one under each arm...but partly marking my place as we may be taking a 12 year old and two younger sibs abroad again after 6 years back 'home' in the UK.

Whizzing back and fore (or would it be a new, third country/culture) in the space of a year sounds pretty disorientating, and how long would you anticipate DHs new job to last?

I wonder if it's not so much the move, but rather the uncertaintly of where their settled 'home' is, that's at the root of some anxieties?

Can I suggest you look at some info on 'third culture kids' (TKCs)? which I think might be really helpful in thinking through what your sons might be feeling.
A lot of the literature in this field comes from the Christian / missionary community, but the general principles are easy to apply to secular situations too.

I think you have to take the decision out of their hands and you and your DH together make the decision that you think is best for the whole family.

For what it's worth, we moved with two teenagers to the far east nearly two years ago, when they were 16 and 14. The 16 year old was adamant that he did not want to make the move, yet has had a good experience. The 14 year old was enthusiastic about the move yet has struggled socially and it took a long time before she found a friendship group. It has been good for both of them educationally.

Ours were younger when we brought them out to Asia but are teenagers now. We are still here many years later.

I think International schools are very used to dealing with students who are new to the country. Also the other students are used to moving around themselves and to having friends moving. Hence it is not unusual. Friendship groups are generally fluid- although as Marjorie says it can still take time to make friends.

Hence moving into an International school should be a lot easier for your DS than moving into a UK school. UK schools tend not to have people moving around. The other students have probably never lived outside the UK.

Presumably you have access to a decent International school where you are going? One that offers GCSEs or MYP? A levels or IB?

Given the boys are not massively settled and given the current UK situation I would be off like a shot personally.

I suppose it depends also on how long you expect this new posting to last.

Will it it take them to the end of their education? (IB/A levels) if not consider how difficult it would be to move back just before GCEs or A levels. It could be quite disrupting to their education. I think this would be my first worry.

Moving at the end of Y8, Y9, Y11, Y13 are all fine. You can move after Y12 if your new school offers the right subjects at A2.

I think the length of the posting would be a bigger factor. Many international schools will help them settle once abroad but how old will they be when you return, what stage in their exams (and is it transferable eg IB vs A levels) and how difficult will it be to 'resettle' again once back in the UK after this posting?

If a company is relocating you at great expense it is usually for at least two years. Even if they say it is just two years it can often end up being a lot longer. We thought we were coming for two years and it has turned into eight.

Lots of companies will take care to make the timings good for teenagers. I know not all do this though, so you need to think through the options and talk to the company.

Thank you all for your replies. We've actually considered all of the points that you have mentioned. If the job goes ahead it would be for a minimum of 3 years, probably 4. DH drew up a spreadsheet several weeks ago showing all of the points in time where the kids would be able to move. It was so successful that it was passed around the office in Paris for all the other families to use.

TimetoSmile: good idea about the TCKs. I joined the website when we moved back to the UK last summer and have the book in Kindle format. I've read through some of it and it really resonate because I moved around a lot as a child.

Marjorie: The kids aren't making the decision but we felt that we needed to let them have some input because they sometimes feel that they aren't being heard and the worst situation would be that they felt that the situation was being foist on them without any prior knowledge.

We have talked about their prior experience and how much easier it was to settle in to their previous school in the ME compared to their current school.

There may be the possibility of visiting the new location before the move which will hopefully go a long way to assuaging some of their fears.

The good news is that the kids already have the experience and skills to transition to a new environment, and many people (adults included) find it a great deal harder to go 'home' than to keep moving - mainly because they have changed, and while they expect things to be exactly as they were before the move, they naturally aren't.
The pre visit is essential for everyone to see what challenges will be faced and start mentally modeling your new life - I wrote an article on it recently (definingmoves.com/2012/how-to-survive-moving-your-kids-to-a-new-school-district-city-state-or-country-four-basic-rules-for-transitioning-children)
There is also a fabulous organization called Families in Global Transition (figt.org) that talk about everything like this - there are many global counselors and coaches that could help you. Hope some of it helps!