I'm mega homesick, and just want 2 leave...

[Longdistance]

I've been here in Oz 4 6months now, and have not settled at all. I have 2 dd's 2 and a half, and 9 months, and have not made any friends out here. I joined a playgroup at the beginning of term, but that hasn't worked out as feel they have some sort of clique going on, and am always left out of the loop :( So, I'm ditching that.
I take the girls swimming twice a wk, I haven't connected with anyone as yet. I'm really friendly 2, and I don't care who i make friends with, ie; nationality wise, as have friends back home from all over the world. I am so lonely, and desperate 2 get back home. It doesn't help that my dad has had 2 mini strokes since Xmas, and I really miss my mums, and my bf of 30yrs company. Also miss the groups I went 2, music, and toddler group. I feel so isolated, but we're in suburbia.
Every time I bring the subject up with my dh, it's like there's a white elephant in the room, and he changes the subject. I feel Like I have given up everyhing 4 this move, all 4 HIS career. I was pressured in2 this move by my dh, and it hasn't worked 4 me. I am still on maternity leave from my job in the UK, and was supposed 2 be quitting, but really miss it. My dh wants me 2 be a SAHM, but it's really boring 4 me, and I want 2 work.
We don't even have a joint bank account, he just gives me a measly sum of money 4 housekeeping, and I sudsidise it with my maternity pay from back home. I did post last wk about being homesick, but was in relationships.
I'm fed up of his family here 2, he has his 2 sisters living here now, ones nice, the other isn't, and I'm fed up of seeing his family, when mine are so far away. When I would have a bad day with the kids, I'd scoop them up and go 2 my mums, but can't do this now, and this is what upsets me the most.
How long should I give it? Or should I just go back home?

Hi

this topic comes up quite often and most people say 6 months is the peak time for homesickness! I'm in Germany (also my husband's home country) and also had a huge surge of homesickness at 6 months in - it was winter too, so after making a big effort (and having my second baby) over summer the motivation, energy and adrenaline took a huge slump at 6 months in. I missed the "mummy friends" I'd worked hard to make when on maternity leave with my first child, the groups we'd all gone to, just like you (much more limited options where we live now and always the language issue). 6 months in my kids were vaguely similar ages to yours - mine were 2.5 and 3 months at that point - the 2 year old talks but gets a bit limited as your main source of company, and the baby keeps you up all night? It is a hard stage no matter where you are located and no wonder you are feeling isolated and down when that co-indices with the 6 months post-move slump!

Where in Australia are you? Maybe there are other MNers near by and somebody will offer to meet? Or maybe a more ex-pat mums group might exist and be less cliquey. If you are in a big town or city it would be worth trying other groups - even in the UK I remember that some were cliquey but others within the same geographical area lovely and friendly and welcoming - you have to try a few to find the right one (if the area you are in offers the luxury of choice).

I'd say don't give up now, you've made a huge move and this is probably the most difficult stage tbh. BUT your husband needs to be more supportive - can you sit down and talk about the money separately to the homesickness, and tell him that you cannot have any quality of life on what he gives you, and if he doesn't accept that if he wants you to stay home with your mutual children it has to be both of your money, you have to have the same free access to it he has - you are not his au-pair, you are his equal partner and wife! Otherwise make it clear to him you will be looking for work and expecting him to pay at least half of child care costs, should he insist on keeping money separate and you are sure you want to work... This really does need addressing as he is not respecting you or showing trust in you treating you this way financially.

Good luck, and un-MN hugs!

I feel for you, it's bloody hard being the trailing spouse, and you've moved countries so it's a double whammy. I don't think a lot of partners understand the loneliness as they are at work all day and have a social life there.

I think you need to give it a year, when I first moved abroad it took ages to make friends and I was working full time. But after a year things seemed to fall into place. I think it is easier with kids too as you have things in common, I think you just have to keep trying, ask people for coffee/playdates, or offer to help them with their kids.

I've been away years now but still talk to people at the park and sometimes they become a friend.

If all else fails you could do your own playgroup, put a notice in the local library or something and see if anyone comes, I bet there's lots of other people in your position too who would be interested.

Make sure you get out every day and keep at it, I'm sure things will get better, :)

Hi Longdistance, I know how you are feeling, although I only have one DC but I'm in the UK and from Australia and it feels so far away when you're stuck with no company, and so very very lonely. Skype is great but it's just not the same.

I don't have any real advise to offer except that it got so much better once I went back to work - is there a possiblity that you could find a part time job? I've made my husband promise me that if we have any more children that we'll go back home as I don't think I could do the maternity leave thing again.

Like you I went to a few playgroups but everyone was doing their own thing. It isn't easy to make friends when you're knackered and can be preoccupied with baby stuff... but it sounds like you came from a good support to nothing which I think would be very hard...I at least don't know what a bit of support is like and so can't wait to have that when we go home

I hope things get better for you whether you decide to come back to the UK or find a nice group of friends.

I had great support at home. Fil used 2 take my oldest one out from time 2 time. Mil would visit from up north, about 3hours drive away, and stay and help even though she was a bit interferring, but it was help. My mum and dad would pop up 2 see us, I'd see them. I'd do lunch with friends, and do groups and such like, but nothing has prepared me 4 this. It's so miserable, and I've been homesick since Xmas, it's been awful :(
I'm going back home in a few months anyway as my parents are both in ill health, and cannot travel, and would be very stressful 4 them. I feel like my dh is holding me over a barrel, I want 2 do the best 4 everyone, but can't win, as I'll only upset someone else.
My dh laid a lot of pressure on2 me when I was ill and pg with dd2's pg, and really ground me down 4 this decision. We came 2 Oz in 2010, and although it was lovely holiday, we did agree that it wasn't 4 us 2 live there, and then all of a sudden a position came up here in Oz, and he really wanted 2 move.
Our house has been rented out 2 a lovely family we know through friends, so haven't completely sold up, and still have some ties in the UK.
I have spoken 2 my dh about this, and he quickly changes the subject, so it's just left and left, and it's stressing me out more.
I do not know why we had 2 move here, as our life back home was good. Gr8 house, 2 new cars on the drive, my dh rugby club up the road, all our family and friends around us, and all 4 this misery of a life. We're renting a similar sized house than we have at home, and 2 4x4 type cars, so all the in all no change. My dh still works the stupid long hours he did b4, so no change in that either, and he gets less holiday. Argh! I'm ranting now...
There was nothing wrong with our lives back home, is all I'm saying.

it's ok - rant away! It does seem like something that you and your husband are going to have to work out. As my husband is from this side of the world there is always a possibility that we could move back but I've told him not until our DC's are older. When they're young they are so completely reliant on you, and you need to have your support there.

I did have a glimpse of what it would be like when my parents visited for 3 weeks. It was wonderful and if I'm honest, I would never have given it up.

Does your DH know how you are feeling? Is there an end date for his work? Have you looked at Pomsinoz website, there is a section there for returning to the UK and so you might find some support there to slag off Aus to help with getting home?

Its horrible and I don't have an answer but you need for your DH to understand just how upset and miserable you are (is he loving the life in Australia? is it possible that he is thinking well we've made it this far let's just keep plodding along?)

Diddley, I don't go on pomsinoz as my dh will see it, and they always refer 2 anyone who isn't happy in Oz as a whinging pom. We are on 457visa's so it finishes at 2015, he's talking about settling, I'm talking about going home, but as usual he completly ignores me. He is loving Oz, but he hasn't made any solid friends either, most are from his work. I think he's just being a fool, and won't admit 2 me that we were wrong 2 move in the first place!

Hello. I know exactly how you are feeling. It was me a couple of years ago. We came back to the UK as the temporary visa we were on changed and there was very little chance of being able to stay. In the end we had no choice.

I miss Australia almost as much as I missed the UK when living there. I would love a second chance. From personal experience you need to give it a year. Where are you? Try a different playgoup and look at britishexpats forum, not pomsinoz. There are lots of meets on BE and lots of people feeling exactly the same as you.

I think you need to have a talk with DH. Both of you get out in the open everything you are feeling and come to a decision. It might be something like him asking you to give it another year and if you are not settled then you will do back - but you need to get out more. Stick with your toddler group and may be try and get on the committee. Ask a few of the mum's round for coffee and cake - you need to be strong and just do it. Or a BBQ with all the family for a bit of support from DH. Again, just do it. I found the Aussie locals needed me to make the first move.

If you want to try and make a go of it and see how things go over the next 12 months you need to stop calling the UK home. Australia is your home for now. Stop skyping and e-mailing and phoning the UK for a while. Ask family only to contact you if there is a real issue at home. You need to concentrate on making a life where you are.

If on the otherhand, your talk results in DH wanting to come back and admitting your error I think you need to decide if coming back immediately is what you want to do. Would it be worth sitting it out and getting residency before coming back so you and your children have the option in the future?

It is hard.

I've lived in Sweden for 5 years. I was desperately homesick for the first 3 years. Even had my husband applying for jobs back in the UK. It's only in the last 12 months that I've started to see myself here happily for the long term. (Haven't told husband yet, he can keep job-hunting, just incase :o)

Where in oz are you?

Where in aus are you? Lots of us out here!
I add that 6 months is very short and not working is really really hard! I didnt work when we first arrived as i was pg with ds. I started work when he was 5 months and liufe gor sooo much better so quickly! yes most of my friends are work related but they are a great bunch! Dh funnily enough still has only a few solid friends here not like his gang in the uk, but he is also happy. I appreciate where you are coming from going back as your folks are ill, but I know we told ourselves that we wouldnt go back untill we felt "settled" and that took a good 2 years! Dh recently went back with work to the uk for 4 weeks and I was concerned he would go and say oh no lets go back as he was the one with reservations about moving here. But no he couldnt wait to get back and said the best thing we did is wait till we were settled before visiting. That way he could go back and look with fresh eyes at what we have here compared to in the uk.
I agree with greg.. you need (if you want to) to network here and live here.... not one foot in the UK. DH and i spent the first 3 months ringing the uK most nighst when we arrived.... that not helpful in settling in.
What do you do for work normally?
If it helps I look back now...and we have a huge house on acreage, the best happiest kids who live for sport, sun and sea...( and ponies in the garden) a wonderfull standard of living and we both have jobs that have career prospects.
Allways around for a chat! so let us knwo where you are! I think some cities may be harder than others to settle and meet people in, but sometimes all you need is a rioute into a network and bingo.....

just another thought... I hear what you are saying about nothing wrong with your life back "home"... What drove our move wasnt our current life as we too were well off, nice house etc.. but it was our kids. We ceratinly didnt see how our kids could achieve what we had done given the economic climate and overpopulation in the UK. here they can go to good private school, hecs Uni fees, afford a house when the leave home, plus all the sports stuff and clubs they can do much much cheaper than the Uk. Im guessing your kids are small, think how they may feel in say 6 years time. Id add as well that if you have the same life on a 457 visa and have felt no pinch then in 43 years time you will be living better. It takes most people at least 3 years to adjust to a big move financially.