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Living overseas

Whether you're considering emigrating or an expat abroad, you'll find likeminds on this forum.

Living (long haul) overseas - how do you manage trips back home?

8 replies

ferfer · 06/02/2012 06:45

I've been in Australia for over 12 years. I have an Australian husband who has no interest in living in the UK. I am used to living in Aus but would move back to the UK (with all its many faults) in a heartbeat if I had a choice but I (kind of) accept that is not going to happen. I am lucky enough that I have the finances to afford a trip back to the UK once a year however I am finding this increasingly difficult in terms of my children (6 and 3). Although the flying is easier now they are older, they now demand a lot more "entertaining" once we are over there and given that I spend most of the three or four weeks we go for without my husband (he will only come for a short period) this makes the trip pretty exhausting. Its also a lot harder just to veg out at my mum's or sister's house and I feel that I rarely get to do or see anything I want to. Although I could just stop going I miss the UK and my family so much I need my yearly fix. But at the same time I am so heartbroken when I have to go back to Aus that I wonder whether it is worth the pain! Given that I am stuck in Aus pretty much for good now I would like to know how other homesick expats deal with trips home with children - any bright ideas. Also, am I the only expat who still yearns to go home after all these years?! I want to know I am not alone!

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Bonsoir · 06/02/2012 09:11

I think you need to look into effective ways of keeping your DC busy when you are in England. I don't live nearly as far away as you (Paris), but I still feel the need to arrange structured activities (swimming lessons, gym camp, tennis, art...) in England for a good part of the time we are there, and to have a plan of days out, theatre trips etc. I set all this up in advance (thank you internet) and it all runs like clockwork!

Weta · 06/02/2012 10:51

I'm from NZ and live in Luxembourg - like you this is to a large extent a compromise as in some ways I'd love to be at home (not the best career-wise for me either though!). I also miss home and go back every 18 months to 2 years.

Like Bonsoir, I find it easiest to know what I will be doing on my trip before I get home - I do a basic schedule of who we are seeing on each day, and then have some ideas ready for some of the things we want to do while we're there. I want the kids to know NZ culture so a lot is to do with wildlife and nature etc, though I imagine in the UK it would be more to do with culture and history.

To give you some hope, I found the previous trip (when they were 6.5 and 2.5) exhausting and, like you, felt I hadn't been able to do anything for me - but the most recent trip (aged 8 and 4) was totally different. I did have DH for some of it, but I think the children being older made a huge difference - less work, fewer sleeping issues, more independent, more able to go off on their own with relatives, more able to do things I regard as fun :). For the first time ever, I felt that everyone got what they needed and we all had a great time. I also found the flights a million times easier now that DS2 can concentrate on the tv (albeit needing the programmes changed every 15-20 minutes).

I would recommend asking your mum or sister to commit to some definite times when they will look after the children, so that you can plan in a few fun things for yourself. My parents seem to enjoy this too as it gives them special time with the kids. Try to work out what each person needs (including yourself) and then try and find ways to make it happen.

exexpat · 06/02/2012 11:07

I'm back in the UK now but was overseas (Asia) until the DCs were 8 and 4. I used to come back to the UK for an extended trip every summer for 4-6 weeks, and DH could usually only come for 2 weeks of that, so for at least one of the flights and half or two-thirds of the holiday it was just me and the DCs. I based myself at my parents' house, but also went to visit old friends in London etc.

Yes, it's tiring, but it was worth it. I suppose the entertainment thing depends on what is available where you are staying - my parents live on the outskirts of a large city, so it was very easy to spend a few hours each day going out and doing something, like visiting museums, parks, zoos etc.

Meeting up with cousins or old friends with children also helped - the DCs tend to get more bored if they don't have other children to interact with. If you don't know anyone with appropriate aged children, are there any activity sessions laid on at nearby museums/country houses or whatever? There is usually something going on in the school holidays.

Or take a little side trip, just one night in a B&B somewhere - preferably somewhere very unlike anywhere you would go in Australia, eg somewhere with medieval castles or steam trains or whatever.

Or if it was a wet day and I didn't feel like taking them out anywhere much, a trip to a charity shop or pound shop for books, jigsaws, craft material etc was usually enough to keep them entertained for the rest of the day. My parents would then re-donate stuff to the charity shop after we left. They also made full use of the fact that my parents have cable TV with lots of channels they had never seen at home. The 'entertaining' thing does get much easier as they get older, I found.

I can't offer any advice on homesickness and how the trips back to the UK make you feel about going back to Australia - I was very happy living overseas, and only moved back here because DH died and it was not possible to stay where I was.

wentshopping · 06/02/2012 15:23

We moved to US in 2002, and I go back to the UK every year. Each year it gets easier in terms of entertaining dc on the plane - this is why nintendo ds were invented wasn't it? Part of my holiday packing always used to include "buy dc new game each", but now the oldest are teenagers, it just means "give them iTunes $" and they download stuff to listen to or watch.
I agree with previous posters about organising activities - I now plan for staying with relatives time and holiday time, so we have a short break somewhere while we are over in Europe. I have learned over the years that you are really making memories for the dc, and they have started having lists of must-see/do/eat things for when we travel. YY to steam trains, castles etc - we had a Harry Potter themed mini break when the oldest were about 8 & 6 and then spent time at grandmas making scrap books of the photos, souvenirs etc. One year we had a week in France and they each got to choose one day's activities from a list of reasonable possibilities.
I too get homesick when I return from a UK trip, but I usually try to plan it so that we are straight back to school so I don't have time to wish I was still there.

mockingjay · 06/02/2012 16:34

Could you sometimes go without the DC? I know you want them to see your family, but perhaps you could do alternate years. One year activities can focus more on the children, the next on you just being with your UK family. Or your DH could take the DC home with him when he goes, giving you a bit of extra time.

Unless your DH has to cut his trips short for valid reasons (work, health, etc), I actually think it sounds as if your DH is being very inflexible. Does he accept how important this is to you? And that you need his help?

Sibble · 07/02/2012 07:28

My dss are 12 and 7. I used to take them every 12-18 months on my own. It was exhausting but I felt they needed to see family and visa versa. I have been in NZ for 10 year btw. It's not easy as they need constant entertaining and I'm torn between taking them places and hanging out with family and friends. I have grandparents in their late 80s and 90s so trips out are not on the agenda all the time. Sometimes we just sit and watch TV together or look at photos and my boys are just plain bored.

Recently I have started to go back on my own every other year for 2 weeks and taking the boys every 2 years for 4 weeks. My trips are very whistle stop. I spend 10 days in the UK. I literally see my oldest and best friend and family. Dh looks after the boys, school drop off and pick up etc... He moans but considering I live here mostly for him I think it's a small price he has to pay. Luckily we can afford it.

I can't say I get homesick but I do miss family. My sister is expecting her first baby and I know this year will be tough. I am also missing out on my niece and nephew growing up and that too is hard.

OK have to go, must put boys to bed......I can't concentrate....

ferfer · 08/02/2012 02:39

Thanks so much for the responses and helpful tips. I am pretty organized when we go over but I think I need to be even more so and actually have an almost day by day plan. I'm also going to really try and psych myself up to go alone and leave the boys behind so that the family trip can become only once every two years. My best friend is having a baby soon so that will be an incentive to take the plunge this year. Meanwhile I have just bought an iPad so that I can watch the bbc global iplayer!

OP posts:
ferfer · 08/02/2012 02:42

Also, Sibble, I know what you mean about missing nieces and nephews growing up. I've missed all my sister's children's babyhood except for the odd week. I think the way you handle your trips on your own is the way I need to go. Thanks

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