I feel like my heart is breaking, come and give me your best tips for dealing with change.

[putyourhatonsweetie]

hi

we moved from the UK to small town queensland about 6 months ago and am really struggling with homesickness. It has taken me by surprise a bit really, I'm resourceful, used to change and have plenty of experience behind me...but in truth am just not coping well at all.

Have done my best to get out and about and experience what is on offer - taking the dc to various activities etc so I can meet people, and I have .... but am so bloody lonely I could sit and cry.

so come on, please, help me pull my socks up, I just know I can't live like this any longer.

Thanks

Ah sweetie - that's very upsetting.
WHy did you move out there? Work or family?
How old are your DC?
Who did you leave behind?

I am in smalltown NSW but have been here for 2 1/2 years now and am feeling more settled.

I live overseas - in a country with a different language which I only get by in - and what you're feeling is completely normal....

6months is not a very long time in the scheme of things -and IIRC there's almost a 'grief' timeline for expats coming to terms with leaving 'home'. Will see if I can find it and get back to you.

Getting out and about is the best thing you can do - try new things - do things for YOU - even if it's just reading a book. DOn't try to cut everyone/thing off from home as you need their support - get on skype and keep in touch.

Are there any other expats you could meet with as they will understand exactly how you're feeling and may have some on-the-ground advice for you

It WILL get better - -just probably doens't seem it at the moment.

Good luck

Oh and at 6m I went back to the UK - partly because of the homesickness and partly due to sheer incompetence - I needed to do my tax return and had somehow failed to bring all the paperwork I needed with me, so half of it was still at my Dad's . That helped enormously - got me over the sheer wretchedness of the feeling you're now experiencing. I went back again another 7m later (so grateful that we could afford to do this), then 9m later, and now again in a few weeks, which will be a 10m gap this time. I'm stretching it out slowly! But I have a now 4yo DS, so it's important for him to know his grandfather, aunt and cousins

No suggestions really, but if I recall correctly, culture shock typically peaks at around six months, so it might just be a case of working through it. Staying in touch with family & friends back home is supposed to help.

You say that you have made an effort to get out and meet people and yet you're lonely - does that mean that you're finding it hard to make proper friends? Are there any groups that you could join for support?

And if you really don't like it, do you have to stay?

X post with doradoo! :)

Here's the link www.lossesintranslation.com/stages-of-immigration.php

What, you mean shredding isn't taking your mind off it?

No personal experience, so all my ideas are pretty obvious.

On the friend's front, are there any MNers near you? - I guess you've been on the overseas threads? Have your DC started kindy / school yet? Could you ask other children (and their mums) round to play and get to know them better on a 1:1?

And do you have skype - would it help with keeping in touch?

Thank you all so much for such swift replies.... ideas and support arriving in the time it has taken me to eat a bowl of curry. Thank you .

Thumbwitch We moved to be nearer dh's family, for the "better life" and there are more opportunities for dh's career (and probably about the same for mine) DC are 5 and 1, DD has just started prep this week which should give me a bit more opportunity to look for work. Left behind my lovely family (lovely now they are on the other side of the world!) and quite a few friends/ colleagues. How lovely that you have been able to do frequent trips back. I have a trip planned for September, but not sure how often we'll be able to go, we aren't especially well off and also don't want to use all spare (ha!) money on going home rather than being able to do things here... how has that balanced for you?

doradoo thanks for that. I have a couple of expat friends...and I think they would certainly identify with what I am feeling, but also very reluctant to moan in case I become that moaning woman that noone wants to go for a beer with!

honeyandhaycorns yes that's it, I know quite a few people - but can be lonely in roomful - I think it is about that transition from acquaintance to friend and of course it takes time, I know this academically but still feel blue today!

bigtillymint LOL! I considered namechanging as didn't want to seem too wimpy to you lot on the shred thread! no jillian's special brand of tough love not quite enough! but exercise does help a bit! I do have a few people round, and am making some better connections but as above, just taking time to feel properly part of things.

going to try harder on using skype, thanks again

Well I'm in a better position than you in only having one DS to worry about fares-wise, and so far DH has resisted any attempts to get him back over to the UK (he's Aussie, local family hence reason for this location) so it was only 1 adult and 1 child fare to cope with.
The thing that probably saved me though was joining two playgroups - and making myself talk to the other mums. Sounds like you've done this a bit anyway; and now you're looking for work so once you get a job, you'll have colleagues to talk to as well.
Mumsnet was also a lifeline - it provided a continuity for me in that I was still able to chat regularly to my MN buddies, so it didn't feel so "altered", iyswim.

I am a real "homebody" though, haven't had much of a social life for years, so not having much of one now doesn't really bother me - if you had a good social life before I can see how it would be harder for you to cope.

I think it is probably a blip - I was feeling pretty low before I went home that first time - and so far we have been lucky in that DH has been very accommodating of my homesick feelings (which do rise up after a few months) and let me go back before I get too down.

Some Aussies are a bit funny, I've found, in that they seem to be all friendly on the surface and say "oh you must come round" but it never materialises - the better friends I have here all have some UK connection, oddly enough! either 1st generation Aussie, or moved here when they were young, or have married someone from the UK! They're easier to get to know more, probably because they can talk to me about the UK and know I'll know what they're on about!

It will get better, I hope for you - has your DH any friends in the area? Mine didn't, he only had 2 he still kept in touch with at all and we've seen them once or twice each in the 2.6 years we've been here - so it was all down to me to find local people to talk to.

Also, I found the heat of the summer very oppressive and tend to get much grumpier in the heat - that may be another factor.

Thanks again Thumbwitch. DH has some gorgeous friends from the area, but they all live elsewhere now. One of the nice things about Christmas was seeing some of them, but really it is up to me for the most part. Playgroup is nice, but I just need to plug on a bit I think.

I think you may be right about the weather, it has been soooo hot, and oppressive is the right word. I get up at 6 to go for a walk and come back dripping. Also had torrential rain today which may be getting to me (shallow) (me not the water)

I really hope it does get better, I want it to, and will do my best...

cheers

This is the 4th time we'd moved to a new place (staying about 4 years in each) so, like you, I thought I had plenty of experience and knew what I was doing! but it really hit me at exactly six months, and what you say about the transition from acquaintance to friend was the hardest thing.

At the beginning you get out there and meet people, and by six months you probably have met quite a few but actually turning those into close friendships takes longer than that. You've had lots of good suggestions from other posters, but I think the biggest thing is that you just need to hang in there and have faith that it will get better with a bit more time. In another six months I'm sure you'll feel quite different :)

Good luck with it all, it's not easy! we joke that this is definitely our last move (and in fact we're building a house here) and they will have to take us away in a coffin, as it is so hard starting again from nothing each time.

Actually one of the things I found helped was knowing/recognising people in the town when I was out and about. There are a couple of shops that I go to frequently - nearly got a job in one of them actually - and just going in there and knowing they recognise me helps! Or seeing someone I know about the town and being able to wave at them, or say hi, or whatever.

Also, do you have an activity that you do, just for you? I joined a choir after a year (took that long to find one) which has also helped; and am just starting up (well, trying to!) a badminton club for women, just for fun. Sometimes just being out by yourself can lessen the feelings of trappedness, which I found would often go like this: "I'm trapped in this house and I'm trapped in this place and I'm trapped in this country and I don't want to be!!" But it would be alleviated by getting out of the house by myself for a couple of hours.

Poor you putyourhatonsweetie
I know what you're going through. I'm kind of opposite to you though in that I moved from Oz to the UK nearly 4 years ago
I met my DP here and fell pregnant so had to endure the homesickness and being pregnant with my first on the other side of the world from my parent and close family and friends
It took me the best part of 2 years(and another baby) and now I feel quite settled and pangs of homesickness are less frequent
I've only been home once since I left but my parents have been over twice
What really helped me was making some lovely friends through parent groups and now I feel like I have a support network and that makes me happier

I know how awful you're feeling and send you huge hugs!

Oh you poor darling.

Firstly what you are feeling is entirely normal. Don't fret, homesickness is awful and miserable and utterly consistent with moving bloody 1000s of miles away from home.

Secondly it WILL get better. I moved to Oz almost 6 years ago now, following my Aussie husband and looking back I can see that for the first 6 months I was completely insane. After about a year and a new baby I did sort of get back to normal but it took me a long time.

I still get bouts of teary hopeless homesickness occasionally, and just have to trudge through the miserable heartwrenching sadness and utter grief and loss at leaving dear old chums and Blighty behind - and I love it here now.

I think 6 months is a classic time for a huge crash. It seems that all my ex-pat friends hit the skids at that time. I think the initial rush of excitement and change has worn off and we're left with a sort of "is that it?" feeling.

You sound like you are doing well, I wouldn't worry about moaning on to your ex-pat friends, In those early days I met up with a group of Poms/Canadians/Germans etc and we used to have great nights whingeing away to each other over a few wines, often ending up in tears and then laughter - all very cathartic for everyone. Remember what you have done (emigrate) IS VERY DIFFICULT so be kind to yourself when you feel bad.

But a few practical steps can make life easier . . .

1. Persist with Playgroups/School mums/library groups etc, grim to start with but anywhere you can meet other adults is great.
2. Are you a sahm? Can you get a p/t job or get some time for yourself? I think it's very important to have something of your own to focus on.
3. Get out for a drink with those other ex-pats and be honest about how you feel. I'm sure the others will know exactly what you're talking about.
4. Plan a trip home, I found that if I knew I could get home then I had something exciting to focus on and the reality of living so far away became a bit more manageable.

Remember these feelings will pass and you will feel better again, it is very very difficult to go through and you have my every sympathy. Hugs from South Australia.

again, many thanks all of you for posting and sharing your experience, it is good to hear that its not just me being a bit crap!

Thumbwitch/ Claudia I haven't had much opportunity to do much for myself, but that is about to change, I'm just finishing up breastfeeding ds which should mean I can get to an activity or two by myself

Claudia am just starting to look for work now. I think / hope that will help. thanks for reminding me to be kind!

Hi putyourhatonsweetie! 6-12 months was the absolute worst time for me too. am about to do it all again, feeling a bit nervous! You've had great advice, and I've not much to add.

My main tip would be to find something that gives you a sense of contributing (to your community, your professional field, job skill development, whatever). I lost this for a while and it definitely made the feeling worse - it was like there was no point to anything. It could be something as simple as taking an evening class in computer programming. Or, if that's too hard with young children, maybe get a book out of the library and teach yourself.

I also found there was no point telling people back home how you felt. They don't understand, and say things like 'you should keep busy'. Although they're only trying to help, they can't see that you are describing a whole new level of loneliness. You can't be busy every single minute, and as soon as you're not... but it does get better over time. Hang in there.

I know this probably isn't much help to you right now, but with time it gets easier. Being away from 'home' is always hard, but as time goes by you get more and more used to it and it becomes easier to deal with. and i agree with the others, once you make some real friends it helps a lot (and it's worth the effort to find them)

When we (DH and I) first came to the UK as fresh faced 27 yr olds keen to see the world I was utterly miserable for so very very long, it was a good day if I could make it in the door after work without crying - bad day would be on the tube 3mins from the office bawling my eyes out!! And that was with work and exploring to keep me busy!

Now here I am ten years on, I still pine for home every now and again but every day life just takes over after a while and you will find things to distract you from the pangs of homesickness. But to be completely honest I would move back to NZ in a heartbeat if it were possible (I think we drowned the homesickness in fancy holidays for too long and now have icky debt) and I find comfort in the Living Abroad board drinking my Jarrah and eating Toffee Pops.

I still feel a bit like the odd one out at times but as a mother I now have much more ready common ground with other mums, funny enough my dear friends that helped me begin to enjoy my time waaaaaaaaaaay back in the initial days have all faded away now but Reason, Season, Lifetime and were worth their weight in gold back then - I'm sure over the next 6 - 12mths you will find some great friends, get back into work, get involved in mum related things, ease the bad days with a jaffa cake and a tetley brew and start exploring your new base and this bleak time will fade into memory - just like it did for me :)

Thank you all again.

I used to pretend I was on holiday, on the bad days, and not that I lived here. I would do touristy things, and try to see things as a tourist, taking photos to show my family and friends, really looking for the good points and quirks. It must have worked because I've been here 10 years now (The Netherlands) and feel more at home here than in the UK.

Did someone mention jaffa cakes.......? :)

BaronessBomburst do you know I think i am going to try that. I forget sometimes that I am actually in paradise - incredible beaches with barely a soul on them, 45 mins to rainforest. I think when I feel like losing it I am going to take the day 'off' and be kind at least until i can get a job. Thnak you

oooh jaffa cakes, how many minutes of shred is a whole packet two worth?!

That's a great idea, Baroness! Shall steal it if I feel the homesickness again. :)

Stick some photos on your profile for us to see then! :)

I've just moved to the US and I've had tearful days but nothing too bad yet. A fellow ex-pat told me it hit her hard at 6 months.

I have a feeling mine will hit around June as my baby is due April and then we have almost constant visitors for 6 weeks!

Love that idea Baroness - will definitely be doing it.

have put a couple up - most of my photographs have considerably more beautiful dc than beautiful surroundings - perhaps on my next holiday day I will go out with the camera!