As the "non-working" trailing spouse - are you seen as an equal?

[zwolfy]

I have not had paid employment since our first child was born 4 yrs ago - a few months after which we left the UK. Given language barriers and school times and my husband working very long hours - it is hard to see when I will work again.

I have got into a position I never wanted - to be financially dependent on someone else. Mostly my husband does not question what/how I spend money - I am not extravagant with expensive things - but probably spend too much money buying smaller things on Amazon and the like. But sometimes he will say things like "you haven't worked for four years" (then claim he is just joking) and will complain about the money if we get a cleaner (he has said I should get one and then complained how much 4 hrs a week would cost us), and said of course when younger one goes to kindergarten next August the cleaner will stop. Then yesterday he wondered why I wanted to buy older child winter shoes and didn't I have lots of stuff downstairs (mostly second hand) that would fit her. We have talked about a summer holiday and then he didn't like how much it would cost. We are not short of money - time yes but money not.

I guess I feel down today because I tried to bring it up with him (albeit just before work) and he got really snippy about it. I keep wondering if I want to have many more years of following him - yes we live nicely and don't have any financial worries and I know that means a lot but I spend 12 hrs a day 5 days a week with one or both of the children so he can work and he can have his career.

How do other couple navigate this?

I was a trailing spouse for 10 years and hear your pain!!

For me it was made a lot easier because my DH realised that he was only able to work abroad because I gave up my career and follow him.

Have you sat down and worked out what his expectations are? Do they tally with yours? My DH plans to retire early, so any money spent on cleaners Amazon etc. represents time he'll have to work- it doesn't mean it doesn't get spent, but we both know where its coming from.

Will you have to upsize when/ if you come home? Again although your income may feel big now, is it already earmarked?

Embrace the temporariness of it. Rather than feeling restricted by not working and not having your own income see the benefits. I helped out at my DCs schools a lot just because I knew it wouldn't be an option when we came home.

Are there other wives around? Although I really resisted the cliche of the coffee morning Mom, knowing that I wouldn't be one for ever enabled me to embrace it occasionally through gritted teeth!

Take some time out to see that this is what you are doing for a while rather than who you are. It'll give you the confidence to appreciate the perks and also to see yourself as an equal partner.

If you don't mind me asking, why are you where you are? In my experience it's either money, lifestyle, can't afford to go home or a "suck it up" posting that has to be endured for the sake of career progression.

Which would you say applies?

None of them - we are in a very nice european country and I like it here. But whenever we have these disagreements (every so often) then I worry about my position - I will be 50 in 8 yrs time and having not worked for 12 yrs my prospects will be low. My husband has his independence and seperate life and I do not and I get annoyed when he nitpicks about whether we have a cleaner for 3 or 4 hrs a week (when he suggested it) and then questions me as to whether our child needs a pair of shoes!

Things are very imbalanced between us - he works, has his independence and is always going to have his own income and I do not. Sometimes he is very understanding and says I can go out on my own at the weekend and get some "me" time and then other times it feels like he is being petty.

We spend so little time together - just the 2 of us when we are not tired and he is not looking at his wretched blackberry.

I'm another who was a trailing spouse for 11 years. We were in a different position inasmuch as he never asked me or queried what I spent.
If it was there, it was there, if it wasn't it had been spent.

zwolfy could you do a bit of English teaching once they are both at KiGa? You could offer a VHS morning course, you'd be surprised, there are plenty of pensioners and stay at home mums of older children who take the courses in the mornings to keep their brains ticking and for the social aspect. It's what I do (but I teach an evening course as my dh can be home by 6pm for me to leave at 6.45) it's not a lot of money but it's something you are earning, would pay for a cleaner, and it's something on your CV plus you can ramp it up and offer more courses when the kids are older if you choose to, or use it as a spring board to other language teaching.

Just an idea.

I am not sure if I'm a trailing spouse as this is DH's home country and we intend to stay put til the kids are through school (then who knows after that), and I do want to be mainly at home with my kids, it was actually one of my reasons for agreeing to the move, but I do know where you are coming from 100% on the independence and not having a career to fall back on / into.

I work and trail and am not equal in that if DHs job moves its a given that I'll lose mine and make do with what I can find.

That said he never nitpicks over money (I do that ) and it is what it is. I knew what I signed up for at the start.

I was a trailing spouse for nearly 6 years and gave up my career to follow him to a place where I couldn't work. We are now back in the UK and I will find it very difficult to get back to where I was in my career and am having to consider a change of career. He has nitpicked a lot over recent years. We were lucky in that he/we had a good income when we were abroad and lots of benefits but when we first returned to the UK DH didn't have a job and I had it 'thrown' at me a few times about how I hadn't contributed over the past few years which made me very .

I'd always advise trailing spouses to try to keep up to date in their field or career or to take advantage of time 'at home' to undertake distance learning courses if at all possible. At least that way you can fill the gaps on your CV.

Yeah, I am abroad (we live in DH's home country) and I gave up my career to come here.

It's odd. If I had been in the UK I imagine that I would never have taken so much time off to be with the kids, so a nice side effect I think. DH is always completely equal with money.

Just adding in my grump really, despite knowing that I am lucky.

Zwolfy Thanks for clarifying- was just trying to understand your circumstances a bit better. I don't blame you for how you feel, and I think your husband's being pretty unreasonable in the circumstances.

When you choose to live outside your home country, there has to be some upside for both partners (even if it's a case of "I have to live on a dry compound for X yrs but then we can live mortgage free"), and it seems that at the moment you're getting a bit short changed. You've got a double whammy of "SAHM of pre-schoolers" wobbles and "trailing spouse" wobbles, combined with a DH who is not being very supportive, so not surprised you're pissed off.

I think you have to talk to your DH about how the situation is making you feel. Being dependent on someone financially can be difficult, and is made far more difficult if you have different attitudes to money, and if the non-earning partner is put under pressure to needlessly account for every penny. If, in actual fact, he does feel money is tight, then perhaps he needs to consider a move back so that you can be a two wage family (given that you're paying European taxes, you'd presumably be financially better off under this scenario, unless you're on a very good expat package where you are now)

Are you "long term expats" in the country you're currently in, or is there some understanding that you'll move on somewhere else at some stage? It may be that the next place is easier, especially if it's somewhere where English is the business language.

I also understand exactly what you are saying Zwolfy. I met my DH when we were both working overseas and both had good jobs. He was then moved and I became a 'trailing spouse' and have followed him since. We are now on our third country and I also don't work due to visa/language restrictions, plus we now have a DD.

We did have money issues initially. I hated not having my 'own' money and even though we'd talked about it before agreeing to move, I think DH was shocked at how much we were spending as a family and we were down to one salary. I remember one argument discussion when he realised my the face cream I'd bought was £50 or something. Before I'd spent my money on what I wanted without having to justify it to anyone!

Eventually, after much discussion, we are both happy. He accepts that I gave up a lot to follow him and that his salary is 'our' money (I still buy my face cream!). He earns a good salary but I accept that he feels under pressure sometimes as the only wage earner and although I buy what we need day to day we always talk about big purchases. One of the best things I did was take him with me to the supermarket for a 'big shop' so he could see just how much it cost - many things here are imported and it really adds up. He knows if he is willing to eat rice and beans every night our food bill will be dramatically reduced!

Despite being happy with how it works now I still look forward to not being totally dependent on someone for money. My lovely Grandma had 2 pieces of advice for life, 'smile when nervous and keep my own bank book' :)

I am a trailing wife but work. I am in the last stretch of changing careers so I can continue to work as DH moves around. I switched to accounting from investment banking. Pay is much less and I forsee me having to create my own employment in the near future.

Money will always be tight because DH's employer does not cover entire the cost of moving nor education expenses (not a problem now but will be in the future). Most of the guys at DH's level are single and the expenses covered are set to that scenario, not for a couple with a child and a dog. It does cause resentment and I have told DH that I will neigoiate the finances of his next move if he comes home with a crappy package like last time. We were left GBP11k out of pocket after selling our home and they refused to pay for it because it was 'our choice' to buy in the first place! Grrrrr..... My anger is directed at his boss (who does not follow HQ company policy but makes up policy as and when it suits at the sub company he manages so gets away with it) not him.

I too am a trailing spouse but work. My career has definitely taken 2nd place - though this was agreed between us. I found it very hard as I was the main earner before we moved! DH is VERY aware however that he relies on my relative flexability to enable him to do his job and travel. If I feel that he starts to take it for granted "words" are usually had

You do need to sit him down for a chat. He does sound on the stingy side! It should not be "his" income, but family income. Though agree with posters above that maybe you could look to work in some capacity - even if it is just to make you feel better and regain a bit of independance.

I remember the first few months I was here, dh swanning off to the pub with his new colleagues and expecting me to do everything as I was home. It was awful! I really do feel your pain if you have done this for an extended amount of time!

You could also look at the possibility of paying up your UK stamp to improve your eventual pension. I believe this is possible? I am thinking of doing something with dh's as he was a late bloomer after working off shore in the merchant navy for years. His pension is dire! He is 11 years older than me and due to retire in 11 years - just as dd reaches Uni age. I sometimes wonder that we could downsize and get away with me not working at all - due to tax break etc and then I think of my pension.......I need MY pension!

Marking my place. Don't have time to post but can see this happening to me if I don't do something about it soon.

I gave up any career progression 15 years ago and have worked part time most of the time since, taking a career break when becoming a trailing spouse, then taking up a new job in our new country. I suppose we don't have too many arguments about money as we have shared our money from the very start and never spend large amounts without checking we are both in agreement and never spend money without the other knowing. If I weren't working, I would see half hubby's income as mine too and any decision to take on a cleaner would for me be half me paying and half hubby paying, despite in fact hubby having in reality earned all the money, if you understand me. So if hubby then complained about the cost after agreeing jointly to spend the money on a cleaner, I would hit the roof!!!! My income has fluctuated throughout the years as I've upped and gone down in hours, whereas hubby has remained in the same job, but the income has remained the ownership of everyone in the family. I can see if you've previously had separate bank accounts and separate spending patterns, then when suddenly a partner stops working and no longer has a "separate" income, it becomes a problem.

Similar situation here.
1st posting, DC1 was very little and was grateful for the extended mat leave.
2nd posting, had a baby steaight away but went back to work (career conversion) when dd was 4 months old.
Then set up a business only to start packing after 6 months!dh was very supportive though. We lived appart for 8 months while i was otganising the business to be run from a distance ( and i commute back once a month now from where we are, 3,5 hours plane ride away).

I guess what am saying is that the choice is just as much yours. You can do something if that's what's going to restore the balance.
He is still very much the breadwinner. Our lifestyle depends entirely on his income and entirely on me holding the shit together.
I hold our family together by giving up so much career wise.
I hold our mariage together by taking charge of my sanity and re-inventing a career as i go.

A balanced marriage can lay its foundations on very various things.
For us, money was not the issue and like you i did have guilt pangs over the accumulation of those little futile expenses.
I just needed to get out of the house and regain my sense of worth.
For me the first few years of a young family is a great motivator to accept that its my main job. But i needed to do whatever i could to keep my skills and confidence up to be able to rebound.
In the end i changed careers twice so far.
I have to add i did go through a vile depression whith that last move and had a short bout of therapy to help me get through the sense of loss and help me get going again.

Maybe you should start with community involvement to get you back out there. Socialising and applying skills to any situation helps keep your flame alive.

I do think its so important to get your own "identity" when you're a trailing spouse. It can be the kids (and often is especially when they are little), it can be community or charity related or it can be work. Obviously this is pretty important to anyone whether they live, but I think because of how unsettling moving can be, the pressure of holding the family together - and being blunt the continuation or even promotion of your partners career just as yours often takes a nosedive, makes it even more critical in our situation.

I know what I'm worth to this family because frankly I know how much "family life" happens because I make sure it does - days out, holidays, birthdays, family visits and even just the house itself. I often tease my DH that he can never divorce me because only I know where all the bank accounts, savings, life assurance policies etc are!

I think once you're comfortable to say this is what I'm worth because this is what I do to keep this family afloat, or add to the community or do with my work, and I'm doing this because I have supported my partner/family. Then you're in a much stronger position to talk with your partner about all the bigger issues like where you'll be in 2, 5 and 10 years, what money gets spent on and what is saved, both of your pension rights etc. IMO when you are feeling down and that all you do is look after the kids and the house is when its so hard to have that conversation (well usually several conversations!)

Having said all that I am about to start work again - and I have to confess I am looking forward to that first months salary and a real OTT blow out in the shops - although I hasten to add the next month it will be back to "our money". I've also made sure my DH knows that some of the "work" I've been doing as the trailing spouse is heading back over to him.... now that will be interesting

I feel your pain. I have been in Australia now for 2.5 years and haven't worked at all since I got here, because I am SAHM to our 4yo DS. It was part of our "deal" that we move to Australia (DH is Australian) and that I could be a SAHM if he got a decent job (he did); but it still irks him sometimes that I don't work. I do still have a property in the UK that is rented out, but expenses mean that it doesn't really make any money for me; and I get a little bit of royalty money every year but nothing major.

I know DH is hoping I will get a job when DS goes to school, especially if we haven't managed to have another baby by then; but I am also in my 40s and am worried about my employment prospects here, unless I start up as a self-employed business again. DH seems to think I could just walk into a high-powered University job - I'm a bit more realistic! might get till work at the local supermarket, I suppose.

To be fair though, after one colossal row where I was accused of spending "other people's money", he has never since made any fuss about what I spend money on - but I'm not a spendthrift shopper, really most of what I buy in a month is food!