To anyone who employs a maid or nanny overseas - advice needed

[MumOfStan]

I'm in the Middle East and the only real childcare option for a working family is live in help in the form of a housemaid/nanny (not really a nanny by UK standards). If my son could go to a childminder believe me I'd prefer it. I am not keen on the whole live in help thing at all.

So 6 months in, after trying to see the good in her, trying to give her constructive feedback and pointers, trying everything to be a friendly, supportive, grateful boss, we realise that fundamentally our son just doesn't get on with her, and that she is very lazy, aiming to get away with doing as little as possible and doing things her way or no way. She is a lot older than me and pathetically - I am actually intimidated by her. I am ashamed of this, but when she started with us we had a huge domestic crisis involving a close family member and I did not have the bandwidth to establish ground rules or the right kind of relationship. Hubby also sees her weaknesses but typically does not feel it's his business to deal with her.

I know I need to change her for someone different, younger, and establish ground rules and all that, and, ensure my son is happy with her. But I am horrified at the thought of having to literally make her leave the country with a few hours' notice, which is the way it has to be done out here due to various legal issues. The only alternative I've seen is to trust her enough to let her work out a 30 day grace period, whilst she finds a new employer but given her attitude I am sure she would create problems for us and how could I be sure her care of my son would not suffer - I couldn't - so it's not an option really. Sorry for the long and rather pathetic tale, but, has anyone had this kind of experience and got through it without too much trauma for both parties? Any advice as to how to break the news, and how to handle such a stressful situation? Thanks.

Ahh sorry it should say...six months in after trying to see the good in our maid (not her) - stress is getting to my prose!

Hi there

I don't live in the ME (used to but didn't have a helper then), but now live in HK and do have a FT live-in. To be honest, I would give her the 30 day grace period, providing that what she has done does not construe what someone in the west would deem to be gross misconduct (stealing, outright lying, beating your son, taking him begging etc).

I would tell her you are terminating but that you're prepared to give her a 30 day notice period to find something else- and maybe suggest that she might be better with a family with no kids. However, make it clear that that grace period will be withdrawn if she just downs tools or gets worse.

HTH

Tbh I think you would be better off asking this advice from other families local to you. It is such a tough call as to whether to allow someone you have basically sacked to continue working in your house - I know I would feel very uncomfortable with this. Can you give her her one month's notice and keep paying her but ask her not to come back to your house, ie so as far as her work permit is concerned she is still working for you but she doesn't have to be in your house/with your son?
Fwiw I had someone working for me (helper, not live-in and not childcare) who I felt very intimidated by and it made my life very uncomfortable. I wasn't working but I hated being in my house so much that I used to hang out in coffee shops half to day just to get away from her! I finally sacked her when she started complaining because I didn't want her to take a holiday a day after we had just returned from our holiday, but I realised I should have let her go a lot earlier.

Thanks so much for the good advice ladies. There is a forum on this issue where I am - but they're generally of the opinion it's necessary to send back straightaway and I wanted to get some more objective perspective - which is exactly what you've both given. I am still undecided but am trying to be pragmatic and weigh up the pros and cons of each option. In the mean time I have found what looks to be a good back up childcare solution for the little man, so at least it gives me breathing space if I need it. Thanks once again.

I have been in your situation, suffering with really unhelpful "help" and its awful. I agree that is probably different in every country but a few things I have learned after a few years of this (and about 10 different people) is that:

• there is no such thing as the "perfect person" who will be great and cleaning AND good with kids AND good cook etc. As long as they are good enough in the areas where you need most help, keep them.

-they all leave eventually anyway, even if you find someone great they will want to go back to their home country/family/job eventually anyway, enjoy the good ones while you have them, and remember that the bad ones wont be there forever.

-If someone truly makes life miserable for you (and it sounds like she does) get rid. I find it best to terminate immediately but give a generous pay off to get rid of them. That way, you feel less guilty, they get compensation (which is much better than a month working with a family who dont want you) and you dont have to worry about them stealing off you while they are working out their notice (common practice here)

-constructive feedback/pointers are vital but it may take you a while to find out HOW best to do this, it is very dependant on culture. A gentle hint that would work well on a British person maybe completely ignored by other cultures. Ask other local families HOW they make requests of their staff. Dont forget positive praise too, I think its pretty universal that criticism is easier to take if it is not the only kind of feedback you ever get.

Finally, I am much more content NOT giving responsibility for childcare over to them. I tried this before and was SO unhappy at how my baby was being looked after, and I realised that while they were cuddling the baby I was in the kitchen tidying up! All wrong! Now I get the maid to clean, cook and even shop which takes the burden off me, so I can do the fun and much more important job of looking after DS. The most that I ask her to do with him is a couple of times a week take him to the local shop to get something, or spend 30 mins in the park across the road. Keeping the activities very short means he doesnt object so much to being "foistered off" on the nanny.

hope things work out. xx

I live in the Middle East,if you sponser her and you dont want her working for you,why not pay her flight home plus month or two months wages.Your duty of care is first and foremost to your son,but you know that.If you are in the Emirates I know they are alot stricter about housemaids visas etc than they are here in Bahrain.Whilst she was under your sponsershipe you couldnt employ anyone else.