Going home for a visit - World War III might just erupt over the logistics. I need URGENT advice/help/valium/wine

[PadmeHum]

My family (DH, 3 kids and I) will be flying from Australia to the UK at Christmastime. We have not seen my Dad since 2007 ? he doesn?t travel very well and is quite set in his ways, so it is unlikely that he will ever visit us in Australia (we have lived here and in South Africa since 2004).

Anyway, in order to get the cheapest fare possible at Christmas, we are flying on a multiple stop-over fare and stopping along the way. We will be flying into London on 23/12 where a dear friend has very kindly offered the use of her gorgeous flat in the centre of London (she is going overseas herself on 24/12). Mum and Dad live in Manchester and are expecting us to trek up from London on Xmas Eve. We have offered for them to drive down to London and stay with us but they point blank refuse ? on the grounds that Grandad won?t want to travel ? he is 83 but he is fit ? TBH I thought it would be a lovely outing for him and that they would have to find somebody to look after the dog.

Dad doesn?t really want us to stay with them ? they only have a tiny house and our 4,7 and 10 year old are quite noisy. However, they have acquiesced and agreed to us staying for 2 nights (Xmas Eve and Xmas Night, leaving Boxing Day). Mum has agreed that after that she will come down to London for a few days and she may come with us to France (our crazy routing has us flying back to Australia from Paris ? which suits us well as we want to spend a few days in Disneyland). She has offered to cook us a slap up meal for Xmas Day.

I am now left wondering what I should do:

1. Should I expect my parents to compromise a little and come down to London for Xmas? They could drive down with Grandad which would entail a lot less fuss than us trying to get three kids up there with all of our gear, Xmas gifts etc.
2. Should I hire a car and risk the M25/M6 traffic on Xmas Eve?
3. Should I get everybody on the train on Xmas eve? Are the ticket likely to be very expensive?

To be honest, I am feeling pretty pi$$ed off that my father in particular won?t make any effort at all and am quite tempted to tell them to stick it. I was brought up to respect my elders but this really rankles. DH is not very happy either.

WWYD?

I am so sorry you are going through this. We have been in NZ and have not yet made a visit back to the UK but I have been having similar feelings of abondment (OK that might be a bit dramatic ) or at least forgotten about.
It is very difficult being so far from family and I find that conversations on Skype or the telephone just aren't the same as talking in person. My Mum sent me a horrible message on Skype last night asking if we were ignoring them as she felt we had not spoken properly for a while and I had apparently ignored my brother. Things can get misinterpreted or taken the wrong way far more easily over this distance and it can all get very strained.
I think what your father said was not very nice and must have upset you greatly. Does your Mum not want to see the kids and you? is there no way you can see her and not your Dad? Seems such a waste to go all that way without seeing your family.
I have found that I have had to concentrate on my immediate family since we moved abroad and I have made close friends with other expats (who are like a surrogate family). These are the people I care most about day to day and those people back in the UK who have bothered to keep in touch (who are often not who you expect).
Sorry this ended up being a bit of a ramble - but this has been on my mind a lot at the moment and I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

Yes, what about your Mum? Would she consider coming down to London/across to Paris on her own. It seems awful to not be able to see her because your Dad's a twat.

Thanks very much.

It is what it is. Dad has always been difficult. He was physically abusive to my mother and I when I was a child. There has been a lot of water under the bridge. We went four years (2003-2007) without speaking to one another.

Sadly Dad controls Mum - he no longer hits her, but he is emotionally controlling. This means that there will be no visits with Mum or Grandad. To be honest, I have finally go to the point where I just can't play this game anymore.

:-(

Oh, you poor thing. I suspected that was the case - once the blowup happened, no visits from anyone.

In your shoes, frankly, I don't think I'd even try and be civil with a man who was physically abusive. But it must be very hurtful that he stands in the way of your relationship with your mum and Grandad.

Tortoise - to be honest, Mum doesn't really care. She's so institutionalised after living with my father and putting up with his black moods, violence (at worst) and passive aggressive behaviour at best, that she is incapable of maintaining a relationship with me.

As soon as I mentioned the trip to her a while ago, I could sense her hesitation. She prefers a happy husband to a happy daughter, that's always been the case. She has a long history of depression, alcoholism and self harm. This has been kept in check for the past 10 years but only because she daren't step out of line again.

All sounds a bit AIBU by stealth, I deliberately didn't bring this stuff up in the original post because I didn't feel it was relevant. I was kidding myself. I'll never really forgive my father.

He has no remorse, he treats me like dirt. That I can sort of take, but I will not stand for him treating my kids like second class citizens. No way.

No, absolutely. I meant, of course, that it must be hurtful to you that your Dad gets in the way of that relationship, and indeed that your Mum colludes.

Go and enjoy your LLF and Paris with your husband and your lovely children and have a great Christmas. You deserve it.

(and not to give unsolicited advice, but I would seriously consider not bothering with your Dad anymore - there is no reason you should "sort of take" any of this. You know about the Stately Homes threads?)

Stately homes? No, but I'll go off and do a search.

Thanks v much :)