Gave up a lot to be here but not working out made worse w/o support network, what to do???

[ExpatAgain]

dc1 v v homesick 9 months on & wants to go home, I'm so disappointed with experience - dh and i getting on worse than ever, often not on speaking terms for days, thought had made some friends but seem to have been dropped now my novelty worn off ..sorry, I'm having a right pity party here... I feel so stuck though - can't work out what to do, no-one to speak to, no workplace to contrast with the febrile atmosphere of home..
Fearful for our future - talking divorce but dc have made us promise not to consider this... Fearful for my career as can't work here and it makes me feel disenfranchised as a person..Fearful for security as crime ridden area...

OTOH, it's beautiful, it's a change, I have time to think/study etc etc. I just don't know how to fight through this haze or whether to pack it all in and plan to go back to the UK..

no time right now but will come back to you.
Any expats groups around, volunteering....
where are you?

thanks..I've dabbled in volunteering but been school-based and not really my thing..need to network and find some more useful/interesting volunteering but rather overwhelmed by how things work here (am in Africa)

Africa must be overwhelming for sure, and your family situation is not helping or is not helped by the complexity.
Do you have an "alliance francaise" "geothe insitute" or "cervantes institute" near you? They are usually much more organised than the british, and they can pin point you to the right direction (expat meetings, charities, lessons...).

The french Embassy is usually very good at having a help network for the french speaking community.

IME the british are not that helping, but can you contact your consulate and check if they have

1. any jobs (you could work there as they are a british territory)
2. any contacts to give you
3. any charities

Where I am there is the "blob" (british ladies of...) and the "B. moms" which are given away as contacts (usually via a yahoo group or in person), and the embassy usually support a few charities.

Failing all that is there anyway that you go back to the UK and your DH work abroad without being separated (I do know a few families who prefer that solution). The dad commute from time to time to see his family back home, plus a few holidays where he is or half way.

I have to ask: were you reluctant to go in the first place?
Expatriation is never easy and certainly your posting is difficult.

My point is that if going abroad was a decision that you took together, then you have to make it work.
I understand how you feel, and your child not adjusting is a big stress but its too late, you have to make it work.
If you took this decision together as being the best opportunity for your family at the time, I can only understand why your husband would object to you just being disappointed by the experience.
Surely this was an option you would have envisaged and talked through?

Really sorry you are feeling this way. One thing you have to remember is that you are bang on in the difficult period where the novelty has worn off and you need to find something to do...or accept the situation.
Many of us do build up resentment over abandoning or putting our career on hold, but again you must have thought this through beforehand?

maybe a short course of CBT with a therapist might help you work through these thoughts and try and make the most of what you have got?

sorry if this is a bit blunt but have seen this happen so often, I think a trailing spouse must also take responsibility for their own wellbeing. Unless of course he dragged you there without your consent.

thanks all, laptop - I take your points..I'm a grown-up..Of course we made the decision together but we had only 3 weeks to decide/pack up/agree career break in my case/find schools & property and leave..not much time for scenario-planning, unfortunately..It was originally only for 5 months. Since then dh's work has changed - he's had to stay on here for career purposes, I've been made redundant..Yes, I've been naive, yes i need to take responsibility but i AM overwhelmed by it all, hard to put in perspective w/o anyone other than dh to talk to.

LMA - thanks for the tips -I'd never considered the consultate or "blobs", shall check that out..

poor you, sounds difficult. How old is dc1 and is he at school/nursery? It makes it very hard when your dc are unhappy too.

Not sure of your situation really, presuming you have some dc at school? Could you get involved in school in any way if the work siutaiton is generally limited? Are you members of any kind of club which might organise evenings, have sports to offer, things you and dh might enjoy together but in a group so the pressure on you both is not too full-on now whilst things need to be worked through?NOt sure how comfortable you would feel leaving the dc at home with a babysitter, you metnioned security concerns.

Do you feel restricted in your movements - driving about during the day etc if these security concerns are quite high? Is that part of it?

Sorry to hear this ExpatAgain, I've been in your position (on an African posting) too. You said you were originally going just for 5 months, but now are you staying indefinitely? Or do you have an end date in sight - if so, how much longer to you have left there? In my mind that is key to mental stability and planning your time there (or not) to the best advantage.

If it's indefinite, it's not a bad idea for you and the children to head back to the UK (if you have somewhere to go) for a holiday, take stock, take advice from family and friends who know you best. Re-energise, research, consider. You said you have 'thinking time' there, but sometimes you can only think about your situation clearly once you're removed from it (hence we often make life decisions whilst on holiday).

Do you do anything just for you, that's not related to keeping the family and home running? A yoga or tennis class, even language lessons (whether the national language or a European one) at home. Having allies (who turn into friends) on hardship posts is key to happiness, but I also know how cliquey some expat groups can seem. Be honest with the people you meet, about how happy you are - they've probably felt the same at some point.

And finally, make it a matter of importance to spend time talking with your DH. Dinner out if you know/can find/trust a babysitter, if not, dinner at home after the children are in bed. Has he taken any time off to be in your new home yet? He may be saving up holiday for trips abroad, but get him to use a day or two just to be at home and experience your daily routine: being around the house, shops, school run etc. I think it's key for him to really understand how your life is right now and why you are unhappy.

And if you've gone there mainly for financial benefits, don't hold back on spending those benefits to get some pleasure now! Hire local staff who you like/come recommended; they can often become friends and help with childcare to boot. Hire a driver if the roads are dangerous. Buy a better car if it stretches to that, pay for sports/culture classes that look expensive compared to the cost of living, but may just be what you need for some 'me time'.
Offer to pay for the flight for a family member or friend to come out and see you, preferably asap - you need an ally!

And even if you think heading back to the UK for a holiday right now isn't right for you, book your next trip, so you have a date on the horizon to look forward to.

Hi Expat,

hope you are feeling a bit better today.

Very good advice from Rossetti!

Very good post form rossetti.
The fact that your situation changed, do make it harder. It is not the same going for 5 months and going for longer. You have to reset your mind to a different challenge.
Would you have said no if you knew it was for longer from the start? Is that why it is so difficult now? (it is probably what is bothering your DC1).

Also, speaking from a child of divorcees and DIL of divorcees who chose to stay together because of the kids, believe me it is not the best solution especially if it built up resentment/frustration...between your couple. It was actually a relief when my parent divorced and DH was "oh really, I haven't noticed the years of not talking to each other and not being in the same room at the same time " when his parents announced what they thought was a well kept secret.

If your children are old enough to ask you to stay together they are probably old enough to understand that everybody will be happier if the fights/tensions... disappear, and definitely old enough to understand that everything is not working properly in your marriage.

You have very difficult choices to make, rossetti advices of going to your family for a holiday is very sound (if you trust their advice)

Hi ExpatAgain, I was just looking around this board and wondered how you are and if you made any decisions...

I hope that some of the advice has been useful, and things are a little better for you this week.

I think that if you can get on an even keel and help yourself into a better frame of mind with the advice given here, your dc will follow. In most of the cases I know of kids not settling, it's because they are taking cues from the parents. I hope things work out for you - let us know how you are doing!