3 months in and it is still so hard. What am I doing wrong?

[HipposGoBeserk]

I am not a new expat. I've done this before and we'll do it again.

We have moved to a perfectly nice place with a mix of expats and locals. Life here is not hard. Our house is nice. Husband is happy in his job and delighted that we are here with him. Kids have settled like ducks to water.

This is what I do. I am good at this. I make friends and make a social life and get stuck in and join stuff.

But 3 months in to this new place I am permanently on the verge of tears because I fucking hate hate hate it here. I have not one friend. I keep getting dumped. I have NO idea why. I need friends. I don't have an adult conversation from one day to the next.

Yes, of course I go to toddler groups, and chat at the school gates, and make all the right noises, and invite people over.

I normally do this so easily.

I keep meeting such fucking idiots. I know there must be decent people here. How do I meet them?

I have gone from excited to positive to optimistic to hopeful to determined to resigned and frankly I now want to shriek that everyone can fuck off then and I'll just stay in my house all by myself for ever and ever and never make another friend as long as I live and see if I care.

I am organising a birthday party for my daughter and I really want to natter about it. It's fun. But no one gives a tiny shit so I am just sleepwalking through my life.

Everyone else is achieving things and doing things, while I am just a complete waste of hair and skin.

And I can't even get absorbed in a hobby because I have two small children who will tolerate me farting about on the computer but seem to desperately need my attention the second I try and actually get something done.

I am miserable. I am obviously getting something totally wrong but I don't even know what.

so sorry to hear you are struggling. moving is so hard, esp with young children. i cant respond more fully now as feeding the baby but wanted you to get a response.

mumsnet is a great source of friends. how old is your daughter? what are you planning?
ive cut out bunting for my dd to piaint after kindergarten if ds1 and ds2 let her!

Where are you? Are there any MNetters nearby?

I do understand how you feel - I think it took me at least a year or so to settle when we moved to Brussels. People at work did/do not socialise outside - maybe a little when you REALLY get to know them, and as I was working I didn't get to do the toddler groups etc. And the expat social scene seemed to be mostly speed dating and clubbing on a week night.

I found I had to really go out of my comfort zone to meet people - it is really hard when you get knocked back - but I kept on trying and tried not to take it personally. I volunteered with one of the local expat societies and found that really helped with getting to know people. It took a while, but eventually I did find people I clicked with.

Thanks for the replies.

Yes, it's the knock-backs that are hardest.

That, and having to be so bloody positive all the time. I realise that no one wants to make friends with a moaning buzzkill so I am bright and cheerful and say things like "It's always hard at first setting in to a place, but it's such a beautiful town I can imagine us being happy here" which is technically true.

And thank you for asking about dd's party. She is having a Luau! Well - a mermaid pool party with the odd bit of Hawaiian stuff thrown in. She is so excited. I have had to hire 2 life guards as I wouldn't put it past parents here to drop off non-swimming 4yo's at a pool party and bugger off for 2 hours. We're doing games and dancing and all sorts. She is turning 5.

I don't think there are any MNers. Never seen it mentioned anyway. We're a bit off the beaten track.

It took me four years to make friends where I am. By goodness it used to get me down. It didn't help that I was working so couldn't do the coffee morning thing.

You know how it all works OP and you will get there. It really is early days now you know, 3 months is no time at all.

4 years?? Noooooooo :(

Maybe my expectations have been completely skewed. I made such fantastic friends so easily in the last place. I miss them.

Sorry to hear your struggling Hippos. Three months is early days though - don't give up hope

I think a lot depends of luck when moving to a new area. Sometimes it happens easily and other times not...

I don't think I had met a soul after 3 months....Just keep putting yourself out there. I made friends who were friends of people I met ifyswim. I was quite shocked at how hard it was. I took dd to Little Gym and felt totally intimidated by the parents. They probably were not so scary as they looked.

We'd been here 3 years before I was invited to a Belgian house. Are there any local expat websites or magazines that you can access? I see lots all the time here where people have just moved and want to meet up with people. Brussels is HOME of the expat though...

Every time I've moved cities, it takes me 2 or 3 years to make friends and feel at home. By that time I have to move again.

Can you keep up with old friends from previous places (online?) to get the adult conversation that will keep you going?

Where are you Hippos? Bringing up your kids is the biggest achievement you'll make so don't knock yourself down.

Do you have any time to yourself? If you had a bit, could you try doing local language classes as a way of meeting other foreigners who also had some time in the day and might have interests beyond children?

It is really hard moving countries; also it's harder on the parent not in a job because the one who's working has an instant "life" through work. Even if that doesn't exactly lead to friendships, it allows the person to feel busy and useful and it certainly fills the time.

But don't be so hard on yourself and try to get some time to do something nice, even if it's on your own. I work full-time and spend all other time with my kids but sometimes just crave even an hour to do something mundane, like read the paper or sit in the sun with my eyes closed. But I know I have to be sympathetic to my dh who looks after the kids and complains that he has no free time, despite the fact that 5yo is at school and 3yo at nursery 3 days/wk. That's because I know he feels isolated, to some extent, from being overseas.

I really struggled when we moved here. I would go so far as to say I started to hate it. I felt so alone and isolated and if it had not been for money issues I would have gone "home". It was not like I had moved somewhere I did not speak the language or understand the culture either. Christmas just gone it suddenly hit me I was Happy. I do not know what changed but suddenly 2 years in I felt at home and happy.

Dh had always said I needed to give it at least two years. I hate it when hes right. It wasnt like we were not used to moving around but this was a big one. In a years time we will take our citezenship and in 3 months I shall give birth to an Australian :o Who Knows what will happen in the future but for now Australia is home and no one is more shocked by that than me!

I had cause to think after a recent family bereavement - what if that was dh? I would stay here I think. My HOME is here now. Dd is happy at school. I have a job and friends. I think I have a couple of years before I am eligible for Citizenship. I wouldn't do it though. I am STILL an expat.

Hippos - i COULD have written your post - word for word except we have been here 2 yrs!!!

Hippos, if you can at least tell us the country. As there are different ways to meet new people in different countries. BTW I have lived in this town in the UK for 15 years, and it is still not home. It has a lot going for it, but its not where I want to stay forever.

hippos - where do you live? are you in the States?

authenticjourneys.blogspot.com/2011/04/how-do-i-know-if-i-have-culture-shock.html

Is this any help?