aibu to be fed up to having to spend all holidays "at home"?

[mousymouse]

so annoyed.
this year we will use up all our holidays to visit my and my husband's families in our country of origin. (I really don't want to say home, because where I live is home).
admittedly we have usually a good time, but I really want to stay home for a week in the summer, going to the zoo, the beach etc. instead it will be frantic, trying to fit in visiting as many relatives as possible.

So do it. There is no law that says you have to see both families and use up holiday that way.

but the guilt, the bloody guilt...

Even my mum has admitted last year that we actually NEED holidays too after 13 years of expat life for me and a 6 yo DD1 (visiting family has increased since she was born).
Or it is just a way for her to get rid of us . Anyhow you need to plan holidays for yourself too, visiting your "home" country and fitting has many visit to relative as possible while trying to restrict the kids behavior is NOT holiday. And last year I would rather have cut my arm than do that.

NO guilt, there will be a point when you will be physically unable to do it, not to mention financially.

You will feel guilty whatever you do. Guilty that you are not seeing family and guilty for your children that they spend all of every holiday away from home.

Are you a long and expensive flight away? Taht makes a difference. I am lucky in that we are a 2.5 hour flight from my family and its not that expensive only have one DS. We go fairly regularly but are not under pressure to do so.

Mousy, both my and DH's family do live abroad (2 different countries as well to make things easier). For years every single holiday abroad hads been to visit one or the other. A few years ago I was thinking about it and DH and I talked about the possibiblity of having every now and then our OWN holiday. I first I felt guilty but then realised that my family were not exactly going out of their way to come and see us and it was reakly a one way streee where if I want to see them I have to go, the guilt somehow desappeared ! It is a bit different with DH 's family though as even if they wanted to come and visit us often it would be much harder for them as they live in a country where people do not get visas easily.

Do your family make the effort every now and then to come and see you or are you always the ones doing the travelling?

I live in England and DH and my family all live in Scotland, so we tend to spend a lot of holidays in Scotland. This year we have decided to go up for Easter, see as many as possible and in the summer we are going abroad.

I know 'the guilt' I feel it often, especially as my Dad and MIL are ill. My children (11 & 7) have said "Do we have to spend every holiday in Scotland?" which also makes me feel guilty.

You have to find a balance between visiting and doing your own thing.

Any possibility family could come to see you?

Good point Gorionine. I have also relatives in 2 different countries, and 2 different regions of those country (divorced parents for both). I feel guilty about my dad who is sick and can't travel, but the 3 other parties don't really make a huge effort to come and see us, even if the invitation is open on our hand. That will ease the guilt if you are in the same situation.

they are only a 2 hour flight (or 14 hour train or car) journey away. but you are right, they hardly visit us, just kind of 2 expect us to be there for christmas, easter, christening here, wedding there...
2dc here so travelling IS a hassle tbh.
maybe we should move even further away :o [evil]

Open invitation for them to come for us too, but I have heard everything from

"DH does not really like UK!" (Dsis)

to

"It is too hard to travel with 2 Dcs" (Dsis again and but finds it fine for us to do the same with 4dcs)

and am slowly not bothering repeating the invite anymore.

I do understand my dad finding it more difficult as he is getting older but getting harder to swallow my siblings excuses.

We actually couldn't afford it last year. Thinking about this year as money is still tight, and DD2 is 14 months, toddlers are a nightmare to travel with, at least my very curious, adventurous, stuck in fast forward speed ones.

May be your children deserve a break too, OP. Like beach every day...

Forgot to say we decided when DD1 was born that Xmas was a no go. Because we can't make happy 4 different sets of GP (some of them who can't be mixed together). So Xmases are for us (but we don't have holidays really at that time either, not enough to fly anyway)

You have to be more selfish.

I have been abroad for 18 years this year and we do not do all our holidays in UK anymore. We now live in a third country so have to fit in visits to my hometown and DH's hometown.

If you are a two hour flight away consider doing a couple of weekends, or short breaks rather than all your holidays.

When you go there, have a big BBQ or party (if possible) or meet somewhere - invite all friends and family - "We shall be at XY park all afternoon and would love to see you. Bring a picnic". That way you can do a lot of visiting in one afternoon.

If you are flying there, then they can drive the hour or so to come and see you. Don't drive all over the country visiting aunts, uncles and cousins.

Oh, yes. No Xmas - or not as a given.

We go back in the summer to England (to see my family and 96 year old grandfather who can't travel). DDs and I tend to go on our own and DH joins us for the last couple of days. Then we tend to take a vacation in Europe and DH's family joins us if they want. We rent a huge house and anyone who wants books a flight and a hire car and joins in. That way we're on neutral territory (no-one gets upset if the kids pick all the flowers in the garden or spread pasta sauce over the table) and everyone gets a holiday, even MIL who is on her own now and would never travel otherwise.

This year we're bolting a week on the end so that just the 4 of us get another week by ourselves in Europe (to recover)

We live 14 hours away by plane so it's one trip a year and we're generally away for 3-4 weeks total. DH complained last year that it's not a holiday and true, it's not, but I figure it's the weekends we used to spend with PILs when we lived in the UK rolled into one.

You could do what expat friends of ours do ... hire a cottage on Arran (a long drive and ferry away from most of their family) and tell everyone to visit when they want. They don't get many visitors .....

It's not just if you are abroad.

I am a 6 hour drive from my mum/4 hours from PILS, and we spend a great deal of our annual leave down there. PILS doable for a w/e, mum not really.

Ooops, sorry, can't strikethrough.

Oh, and NEVER go back for Christmas - take a couple of hyped up, jetlagged children, 30kg of wrapped presents you'll bring back once they're unwrapped and a case of winter clothes bought solely for 2 weeks' use, pressurise with stressed out families and friends and you'll never do it again ;)

I want to be beamed, so we don't have to travel. then a weekend here and there wouldn't be a problem/hassle.

agree about christmas. the one year where we had to stay because dd was born just before was bliss! can't convince dh though...

I agree that you need to think of your own family unit - your DC and what they want, and the need for you to spend time together as a family.

I don't think that is selfish as such, just a necessary consequence of living overseas. You cannot spend huge chunks of time with your parents, siblings, ILs etc as you don't live up the road from them. Instead you phone, Skype and keep in touch that way. But you need to ensure you live your family life, too, and create some memories and a life for you, your partner and your DC, rather than all your leisure time being a bolt-on to extended family.

I just don't do it. I am lucky that I am 2 hours and a ferry crossing from "home" so we can do the odd weekend and plenty come visit. But many of my family live further away than that so I just don't see them very often.

I work full time and my holiday time is precious and for spending quality time as a family. We go on a proper holiday in the summer - somewhere where the weather is nice and we can all chill out, have fun and recharge batteries. Christmas we stay home. I will try to squeeze in a visit to my GPs this summer. Otherwise I skype, FB and send photos. I call every week.

If we had to spend all our spare time catching up with family and friends, well I would be divorced and run ragged.

Between DH and I the (divorced and remarried) parents live in four countries and we live in a 5th. At one stage BIL and SIL were also in different countries ie up to 7!

I'm aiming for one holiday a year which is a family holiday rather than a 'try
to get toddler to behave in grandparents house with unfenced off pool' holiday. Don't think that's going to happen this year but we might get a long weekend somewhere.

The guilt is bad and sadly our parents do make an effort to come and see us so it's difficult to not reciprocate. In two weeks we're off for a three week drag up and down the UK with two jetlagged kids and it's going to be a joy of course.

Thing is, one of the reasons I'm an expat living outside of Europe is that I love travelling and the UK or the European places Brits retire to are just not my idea of exciting! It's really expensive to go to the UK for three weeks as well, honestly there are many other things I could spend the best part of £3k on!

I've just totted it up and it's scared me: flights £1800, car hire £700, train fares £150 and week's caravan £500. That's £3150 before we add in food, spending money etc.

I might stop feeling guilty now

We are at my parent's now and I am counting the hours till we fly back.
It is hard work with a small destructive toddler in a non- babyproof house.
Had the first big fight with my mother and it is really hard for me to keep biting my tongue.
To top it all off, we are suffering badly from hayfever and the guest beds are shite.
No more visits till christmas!