Advice needed on future move

[steben]

I am interested to see if anyone has been in this situation - potted history - married to an Aussie guy - he has lived with me here for the past 8 years and is now desperate for us to go back. We have 2 dc- 1 - 3 - and a good life (apart from DH hating climate).

He said the other day he wants to move in the next year or so and I now feel like I have some kind of axe hanging over me. I don?t like/want a close relationship with my in laws who manage to cause trouble despite being thousands of miles away and I just dread the isolation. My DH is not overly sociable and I know I can make friends but the fact is that I am no longer in my 20's and able to go out and socialise like I used to. I am worried about the strain it will put on marriage and becoming depressed - yet I fear for DH if he stays here as he is starting to really resent it and I want him to be happy. We are not geographically that close to my family here but see them about every 6 weeks so I could cope with not being so close to them I think even though it would be hard.

Anyone have any experience of this - how did you cope?

I think you have to sit down and seriously talk about the big move - as it is a big move.

We have moved away from my family twice now - once from South Africa to the UK and then from the UK to Australia (family returned to the UK while we were there).

We have been here for over a here (on the Central Coast, NSW) for about a year and a half now. Although I love it I have struggled with making friends - and have made one good friend now - thanks to crafting.

But you have to want to move - or at least want to give it a go.

Good luck with what ever decision you make.

Well, generally I would say it is easier to move with small children as you make friends easier - or at least meet other mums.

It is very difficult though when neither of you feel happy where you are.

Could you agree to a set time limit of say 3 years, with the proviso that if you are desperately unhappy you will move back. During these three years you will promise to give it your best shot.

The happiest expats I know are those who embrace their new country, and don't hanker after their homeland all the time. Those who sit and moan about how everything is better/cleaner/easier/more fun back home are simply miserable.

Thanks for comments - and MmeLindt you are right you need to throw yourself into it for it to work. I guess I have some thinking and talking to do - it is just such an emotive subject!

Yes, this did happen to me. And MmeLindt is right, it is easier when you have children. It forces you to meet people and you can use your children as a tool to make friends.

My dh insisted me live here. We have no family here at all and I think it would make a huge difference if we did, even if we didn't get on like a house on fire.

Your situation sounds similar to mine in that my dh didn't think it was fair if I didn't give it a go living here. There is NO compromise at all. He wants to live here so badly. Wherever we live, one of us is screwed. Why should it be him?

I have been here two years and three months. I definitely have more friends in quantity here and a much more active social life then I had before. I really worked at it. And it wasn't that hard as Australians are very friendly and there are loads of other immigrants here.

But none of them have replaced the friends I have had for years and the family that I miss desperately. I don't think it's 'better' back in the UK and I only moan about it on MN. I can't tell my new friends as it's rude and I can't tell the old ones as they will worry.

You need to discuss this, and maybe even go to couple counselling over it. Moving country is a major reason for marriage break up.

Find out: Why does he want to go to Oz? Is it just the climate or something else?
Where does he want to go? (Sydney I could imagine saying yes to, the middle of nowhere would be a no no, personally.)
What is he unhappy about here?
Why does he think that will be better there?

You need to also express your feeling (with I sentences). Not getting on with his parents. Missing yours, every six weeks is seeing them quite a lot, every one or two years will be hard. Issues about your career etc.

Do also remind him why he came to the UK in the first place. How is he going to feel if your kids make those same choices?

Good luck!