Not sure about move to USA: advice please

[nicobean]

Hi all, first time poster so please be patient!
My DH is American and homesick. We have lived in the UK for 9 years, moved back after 3 years in the US mainly for me as I was the homesick one then.
Our DC are 4, 2 and 1 month and we do need a bigger house, although we could manage for a few years if we had to. I have always previously been against moving back as I feel I would miss my friends and being in the UK. We would go back to the area DH is from where we have good friends and his lovely family.
Now I'm wondering if the cheap property over there is just too good to miss..we could afford what we need, whereas here we can't. I have said if we did move we wouldn't sell our home here before we were sure it was right for us. Any advice from anyone who's been through similar would be very welcome.

Sorry being selfish I have to say, stay where you are. I know that he's homesick too and it was you who was homesick last time but if you're here now, then I personally would do all I could to stay.

I lived in Australia for 8 years and absolutely hated it. I never got over the homesickness and came home. Admittedly, I was a single parent over there (had been since DS was 3 months old now 13 yo) but regardless of your circumstances, homesick is homesick and it SUCKS!!!!

I am so happy to be home, came back last year and now engaged to DP and expecting 2nd child 6 June (23 weeks pregnant now). DP is a man I have known since I was 15 and I am happy, oh so happy to be here.

I know exactly how you feel and how your DH now feels over here. It's a tricky situation....who should give up their homeland but like I say, I'd be stuck here like glue!! Not much help I'm afraid

I think you need to do some soul searching as to why you were homesick last time, make a list and go through each of them asking yourself what, if anything, has changed and therefore will be different this time meaning you either will or will not be feeling the same as before.

Personally I think if you were homesick before then you will be this time aswell but only you can decide that!

Also moving abroad with a 1 month old is something I wouldn't recommend, I did it with a 3.5 week old and it just about finished me off!

Thanks very much for the suggestions and advice. I think you are right, I have to be very sure about my motivations if we do go for it. I am worried about having to be a SAHM and isolated. I have a great job here for 2 days a week (on mat leave at the moment) which I can't easily do in the US. Glad to hear that life has turned out so well for you LibraPoppyGirl!

Thanks nicobean

I pray that you come to a decision that DH is happy with too. I agree completely with what HollyBollyBooBoo says too. Exactly what I would say with my more sensible head on .

Good luck and please keep us posted on what happens.

Always here for you, even just to chat or bounce ideas off of. xx

Agreed - happy to be a sounding board should you need one!

I'm American.

I've been here for nearly 10 years now.

There is NO way I would ever move back there without first having a secure, decent-paying job with affordable health insurance from the employer that would cover the entire family and able to afford either a good school district or private education.

OR a big heap of money.

I would love to have an American house. I dream I am back in my old house.

But the job situation and healthcare situation (we have 3 young children, too) is too much to risk.

expatinscotland I'm showing your post to my DH, he is absolutely obsessed with us moving to the US (we've lived there before, then back to UK, now Canada but back to UK again next month). Tell me some more negatives so I have a stronger argument other than just 'I don't want to!'.

nicobean, why don't you come over to the Living in America thread to talk to the MNers over there with experience in the matter. I'm American living in the US so am unfortunately totally biased

Where would you be moving to? (You can just give a region, New England, Southern States, Midwest, etc). I'm also an American living in the US so am biased as well :) We'd love to have you! :)

Don't get me wrong, there's a lot to love about it, I lived in Boulder and loved it, but there are a lot of practical considerations as there as some areas still have serious economic issues.

And, of course, there's the matter of healthcare.

I'll be there with the kids during summer hols, well, 5 weeks of those because I like to leave a week after returning to get over jetleg before they have to go back to school.

It's always a wrench to come back and I get used to a lot of great things such as having my own bathroom/more than one bathroom, driving a nice car, getting to eat out, so many more things to do because it doesn't cost so much.

But we couldn't get decent jobs there to save our lives.

Do I expect my children to stay here?

No.

There's no future for them here, to be honest, and there's likely far more opportunity for them there.

I suppose that's when we'll need to consider going back, if they all go.

I'm a dual national and they were born with two nationalities.

expat, interested in what you said "There's no future for them here, to be honest, and there's likely far more opportunity for them there."

DH and I have lived most of our lives in Brazil (we all have dual UK/Brazilian nationality) but have been talking more and more about moving either to UK or US if a job transfer comes though (no way would we move without a secure job!). Main reason is thinking long term about how we want the kids to grow up (culture, ethics, opportunities etc).

Would you mind telling me more about how you feel on the opportunities/future for kids issue?

Sorry, it's really hard to put into words and I wouldn't be very good at it.

But the level of hopefulness is, IME, far greater there for starters.

The cost of living and doing much of anything by comparison is (excepting cities like NYC and SanFran or LA) is very, very high. Crucially, renting is a poor option here and there's a subtle nastiness about it, too, that I find very distasteful

There's still a level of classism and snobbism I find rather worrying and it's more intrinsic than in other places where I've lived.

The gap between have and have not is very great and not just in the sense of money but expectation and aspiration and, well, opportunity.

It can be very outdated and entrenched/unwilling to move on, adverse to risk-taking, in many ways.

I'm putting it across really badly, probably, and will likely be slated for it.

But it's an opinion.

There are very good things and very bad things about both places.

But for someone young and single with no attachments, I really can't see mine staying here. For one, their heavy Scottish accents are a big boon there.

Thanks! DH is tending towards UK, but my feeling is that it may be a lovely place for children, but not necessarily for teenagers and young adults... This obviously is heavily influenced by my own parents' opinion - they moved us to Brazil (my mum's from here) when I was 8, worried about secondary school and teen years (and this back in 1980!).

Its not going to happen for a while, anyway, but I was very interested in your opinion...

expat where those 'cons' for UK or US, I think I could see it either way!

Not so sure about opportunities in US at the moment, maybe it's just the current economy but we have plenty of US friends whose kids went to amazing schools, have qualifications from great Uni's taken the obligatory gap year to do fabulous things abroad...and can't get a paying job for love nor money. A lot are interning for free.

Sorry but Americans living in America can do a fab job of telling us all about the practicalities etc etc but if you've never been through it then you can't give emotional advice about living in a different country, feeling like an alien about everything and missing familiarity, family and friends.

I just do not see the whole 'everything is cheaper', especially for an expat who has no credit rating and therefore car insurance 12 times more expensive than the UK for example. Would love to find a definitive list and therefore conclusion as to which country is cheaper to live US or UK taking into account all taxes, living expenses etc.

I have to agree that expat's arguments need to be taken with a pinch of salt. Personally although someone from say West Virginia might feel they still had a chance of "the American Dream" whether they have any more, or possibly even not less chance than say someone from rural Suffolk.
I have also had friends in the US who went to the "wrong University" so wouldn't even be considered for jobs with some large multi nationals. (Actually there are whole layers of "reputation" of universities if you actually look into it eg. Chicago> Illinois Urbana -Champaigna> Illinois Chicago> St Paul >??? > community colleges).

I'm not saying the UK is perfect, but neither is the US, and I love aspects of both.

'I have to agree that expat's arguments need to be taken with a pinch of salt.'

Did I imply otherwise? Um, no, I deliberately set out it was hard to explain and that is was my experience and opinion and that there are serious economic issues in many areas.

Did I imply one is better? NO. In fact, I wouldn't live in the US in our present circumstances.

But that's the other thing, Brits are just as defensive about any 'con' a non-native brings up as Yanks are - the apple certainly didn't fall far from the tree in that! Natives are allowed to moan away. It's a moany place. If you moaned like this in many places in teh US, people would tell you to shut up and stop griping or 'Well, you know where the door is! Bye!'

No place is perfect, for my children, though, with their background and upbringing as it is going here, the US is probably going to offer them more opportunities than here.

'I just do not see the whole 'everything is cheaper', especially for an expat who has no credit rating and therefore car insurance 12 times more expensive than the UK for example.'

Because the OP's spouse is American, it's possible he still has well-established credit there, bank accounts, etc.

Not everything is cheaper, no.

But on the whole, many things that are vital are. And, in most places, you get more property for cheaper that is often enough more modern/modernly comfortable.

Food I didn't find cheaper. Utilities, petrol, clothings, many activities, housing were a lot cheaper.

It's when the pros are greater than the cons that you have to decide if it is the right move for you and your family.

'Sorry but Americans living in America can do a fab job of telling us all about the practicalities etc etc but if you've never been through it then you can't give emotional advice about living in a different country, feeling like an alien about everything and missing familiarity, family and friends.'

I am not an American living in America. I have lived here for 10 years.

My husband and all three of our children are Scottish. They have never lived anywhere else and, up until last year, had never set foot in the US.

In chosing to live here, I have accepted I will always be an 'alien', always get asked if I'm on holiday and such.

I know what the OP has experienced because it's reality for me every day for the past 10 years.

expat I know that!

Sorry for the confusion, that comment was NOT aimed at you but the other couple of people who have said come on over to the other thread and they said they are Americans living in the US! Not starting a fight honest!

Thanks to everyone for the responses, it is generating lots of interesting conversations between me and DH! Giving me a lot to think about.

Cheerful Yank we would be moving to Maryland, somewhere in Baltimore County.

expat I know exactly what you mean about having to accept being an "alien". It can be fun but it can get very tiresome. I worked in healthcare during my time in the US and having to explain myself and my accent to each and every patient was tedious.

Am also American and go through a tantrum wonder on a regular basis whether to move back.

There is so much about the UK that is brilliant. My aunt came to visit a few months ago from the Pacific Northwest and was amazed by the quality of life. She was a teacher, but thinks the education system in the UK is infinitely better. For instance, my cousin, her son, has an older child and at 6 years old, has only just started school. She is in a class of 30, and the parents are expected to volunteer. This is a public school, and not a community based one. So, they are considering private education for all of them. That's $10,000 a year. yes, it depends on the school district etc, but what my DD was doing in Reception was comparable to what a 6 year old would be doing.

Healthcare is such a big issue. Find out about deductibles, co payments, prescription charges, dental etc. We take so much for granted in the UK in this regard. When I had to buy an inhaler for DD when we were in the US, it was $40.00 .

But I know what expat means about opportunity in the US. There is an overwhelming optimism that you can do anything, and with enough effort/work, you can achieve your goal.

The other aspect is moving to be near your DH's family. Will you feel smothered? It depends on the family dynamic, but are they the type of American family that do everything together and their lives revolve around each other? If you like them and can communicate, then fine, but seems you are the one who will have to adapt to them.

Good luck.

Watch 'Who Gets the Best Jobs?' on BBC iPlayer.

You'll be packing your bags for Sweden :o.

The east coast is lovely. I can't offer any advice because I've only ever lived in America, but good luck in whatever you decide! :)

HollyBolly, the Living in America thread was actually created by and for expats. There are a few of us (native Americans) who enjoy posting on the thread but we are in the monority. It is full of useful information for anyone thinking of moving to the US.

"minority"