Can a marriage survive living in different countries?

[tigerfrog]

Is it possible to live in two completely seperate counties and our relationship to survive? My DH was relocated to a new job 18 months ago in a different country. It was meant to be a job where he was office based so myself and two young DD's relocated with him. Since being here though my DH seems to of spent most of the time away travelling - in one year he was with us for 6 weeks!! That leaves myself and the two DC's alone in a new country. I have made a huge effort to get out there and meet people through working myself, clubs with the children. I have made new friends but I find it difficult to ask people to help, they have their own busy lives! Thus I have the girls the whole time and sort out any problems myself. I am also not too impressed with where we live, very dirty, far too hot and pretty awful schools!!
So after many discussions - mainly over the phone - we have come to the conclusion that the DD's and I will return home.
Will this work? IS anyone else in this position? How is it going to affect my girls, although they are used to him being away working!
I want to go but feel incredibly guilty that it will be the beginning of the end.

How far away from each other will you be? Is it realistic for him to come home some weekends, and how frequently will you see each other?

And is there an end date to it? You might put up with separation if it is for a year, or a defined period, with financial benefits so you reconcile yourself to it. An open-ended arrangement would be very, very unlikely to work for me.

Sounds to me like you are spending most of your time appart anyway.

Would your DH consider looking for a new job? Set a time frame - say one year, so none of it looks like forever.

well, we've been doing it for 3 1/2 years now ... so I hope so ..

it wasn't planned that way - was supposed to be a 6 month project which, like Topsy, just growed ...

we're now looking at a minimum of 18 months more :( and then I'm seriously hoping dh will be back home ...

dd was just starting reception when this started ... she's now half-way through y3

I really hope so! DD and I are leaving Belgium in July to live in the UK. DH will stay here for another year and visit every other weekend.
That's the plan anyway. He will be here for a year after we've gone and then we'll all live happily in one house.

My parents lived like this for years. My Dad is an engineer specialising in development work. Originally he'd get posting for 2 years or so, and we'd all go with him en-famile. But from about 1995 onwards the nature of development work changed and it would start being 3 month contracts, moving around the country a lot, with follow up visits of 5 weeks 6 months down the line and so on.

My Mum and sister moved back to the UK permanently in 1997 and set up a nursery school; Dad kept doing this kind of work until about 2008. He's only really stopped since he became primary carer for my Grandma (actually his MIL - my Dad's a saint). So 11 years of Dad being away 6months+ of the year. This was mostly in Africa - so a good 8/9 hour flight away. Not like you could pop over for the weekend!! We were teenager by then though so Mum would sometimes go off for a week or so and leave my sister and I with my Gran, which was fine with us.

There were bad times, sure, but on balance it worked and I actually think it helped my parents stay together. My sister and I are very independent and self-sufficient, yet also very close to our parents, although I now live in Spain!! God I wish we'd had Skype back then!!

Thanks for all the replies. Its good to know that it has worked for other people.
The flights will be the greatest problem I think as its a two flight trip and although both DD's are used to being on a plane theres only so many flights you want to take a squirmming two year old on! As my eldest has just started school we will be limited to the school holidays for getting together but you never know I will probably see him more than we did last year!

I think that if you were only together last year for six weeks despite having moved there to join him, then that system didn't work.

So following from that, it makes sense to try going back home and hope that you'll be more settled and he and you will be able to visit each other quite a lot.

We had a year apart when DH went off on his mid-life crisis secondment and I stayed at home with 4 DCs in the throes of various exams. I found that it didn't work well, so I and two DCs came out to join him last Autumn.

Each situation seems to bring its own challenges. All I'd say is keep talking about which bits work and which bits don't, and be prepared to revise the plan again if necessary.

All the best :)

We've been doing this since September. We were in the Middle East with DH's job but made the decision that the 3 DC's and myself I would return to the UK as the job was uncertain and our older two reaching the GCSE stage. Just seen DH back on plane this morning it is 7hr flight so coming for a long w/e as he has just done is knackering. Our problem is that it is currently open-ended and it is not a good thougth for the kids to carry on much longer without their dad around but our current feeling is needs must. The w/e's are difficult I find

Tbh it depends on your relationship.

dh and I would certainly NOT last if we had carried on as we were (him in ME for 5 weeks at a time then back to England for a week then back off again to ME)

He was miserable, I was miserable, children were getting confused, we were living two seperate lives with seperate interests and friends and when he WAS here we didn't really have anything in common and much to talk about.

Your relationship is obviously stronger than ours with the six weeks

Wordsonascreen, how long did you last doing this? You describe our current situation so well and I feel DH already losing touch with our everyday lives.

Tarantella : he'd been working on and off in the ME for a few years but it was more like one week out of each month which is bearable (just) then the stretches got longer and longer it was only the last six months he was more over in the ME than not and I really couldn't stick it. It would have ended in divorce for us, he was essentially out with the lads partying when he was in Dubai and then came back to nagging wife presenting him with a list of bills to pay and tutting about a broken curtain rail that needed fixing.

Hence me and the kids moving to sunny (actually sandstorm and overcast 30 degrees) Dubai

Tarantella - we're basically in your situation .. it's been 3.5 years now - the difference with wordsonascreen's situation is that dh isn't out partying at all - he's working bloody hard and doing an MA in the evenings and missing us all

we considered all going out once it became clear this was open-ended but our dc are older - ds1 just approaching gcses and v happy at school and the whole school/housing situation in Abu Dhabi seemed very precarious

CAT me if you want to talk more :)

Mind you I have discovered the legendary Tuesday free drink ladies nights so I seem to be keeping up with dh in the partying stakes

Wordsonascreen, we have just spent three years in Dubai as a family but the kids too old to take back there now after making decision to return to UK last Sept when DH felt he was about to lose his job. Ironically he is now working all hours rather than partying so yes we are basically in your shoes basildonbond. How long can we do this is the big question?

We've been doing it since the end of Nov (not that long, granted) DH is in the ME and has come home for a 3 day weekend on average every 3 weeks. We've going out there for Feb half term and again for May half term and inbetween that DH makes the trips home.

But we are assuming that the longest we do this is until Sept at which point we will all move out there and start our children in the new school year there.

If it was open ended I'd be a lot less tolerant of it. Tigerfrog how often can your DH come home...? My Dh says every 2 wks is too much (too expensive and exhausting for him), but 4 weeks is too long a break, so we've settled on 3 wks as much as possible.

We have been doing this for over a year now and it is open ended. DH is working in Zurich and commutes monday to friday. It is exhausting for him, but he does not complain.

I could not move with him as the DC are teenagers and we have to get through GCSE and A levels.

It is also expensive. Paying for 2 homes and all the flights. The job has to be worth it.

We are waiting until both DC finish school and then I should be able to spend more time with him. But in reality I've got dogs to look after, work that I enjoy and friends here who I would miss.

It takes some working at but with weekly commuting it is doable. Also he sees the same people every week on the 6am plane on monday mornings! so he is not the only one.