what to do - homesick and fed up

[patbutcherrocks]

I moved overseas with h 2 years ago, based on my understanding that it would be for 2-5 years and we would then go back to the UK (probably London).

My h (not from the UK) and i have been getting on very badly since we moved; i no longer work and the traditional set up doesn't appear to suit us. H doesn't seem to have much respect for me and we are arguing a lot. I miss working and my friends and family - H on the other hand loves his job and where we live.

H has now informed me that he doesn't want to move back to london ever and basically could only live in the UK if he really had to (ie if necessary to save our marriage) but i got the impression this would very much be a last resort and he would be resentful (which would probably be the nail in the coffin anyway). I am really annoyed about this, because I asked him many time both before we got married and also before we confirmed the move overseas whehther he was happy to live in the UK and told him that i wanted to make my home there, although happy to have a briefish period overseas. Basically i wouldn't have agreed to the move without his assurances, although I do see that people can change their minds!

Anyone else been in a similar position and what did you do? i don't want to separate because of the dcs (no dcs and i would probably leave, we are very different people and the move has just highlighted that). Is commuting an option in a few years time when dcs start school? If we can't sort something out presumably it's better to split while dcs are tiny rather than later?

sorry this is long.

To clarify. Where are you. Obviously Aus or NZ wouldn't be commutable.
You don't have children?

Hi Kreecher
2 dcs under 3. In CH (you know it!). Husband from NZ. I am fine being here for another couple of years - commute idea is more mid-long term. Just not sure it will work!

Also have 'foreign' husband. Lived abroad for what we said would be 1 year, turned into 8! It took me forever to settle and I was unhappy for at least 3 years. So you might be happier in a few years; it takes longer than just moving within your country.

So what helped:

1. Making some firm friends - I joined 2 lovely book clubs. One large and more of a book swap, and one small one which after we had children we stopped swapping books. It took 2 years for any of our husbands to notice we went to 'book club' without taking or coming back with any books. That said, I only really felt I had really good friends after 5 years and once I had a few it started to snowball.

1. I got a job I loved and valued myself more (not an option for you at the moment I see that).

1. I took up painting again and had a few lessons (I am rubbish but I enjoy the process and it was purely for me).

1. I came home more than DH for weekends and holidays, both with DC and without (for a few days, despite it being a 12 hour flight).

Also, I think you need to look at your marriage. Is it because you aren't happy living abroad? Or because your marriage isn't happy? Or both, because you feel let down by him? Sometimes all our emotions get mixed up and we're unhappy about where we live but transfer this onto the closest person (our partner) and then lay all the blame with him, I know I have done this before and stopped appreciating what DH did bring to the relationship, simply because I wasn't all that happy. I bet if your marriage was great at the moment you'd be helping each other come up with solutions to make you happier where you are now. Perhaps your husband is thinking he doesn't want to move back to the UK 'for this marriage' but when it was good was happy to think 'yes, I could live in the UK forever because my wife is great'. I know that this sounds harsh, but maybe if you focus on fixing your marriage everything else might just fall into place? Do you think your husband would be on board to do this?

I really feel for you.

Thanks SV, you're right that this is more about marriage issues than where we are physically (beautiful, very high standard of living, bit dull). I think I just feel trapped because I don't have any income so am dependent on my husband.. lack of sleep (ds is 5 months) is not helping either. I do try to keep very busy (book club, toddler activities, part time masters) and that helps too. onwards and upwards!

I sympathise. Foreign DH, supposedly great location but after a year I still feel quite lonely and like it's put a strain on our relationship.

I think you need to be honest with your DH - it may be that you'll just never adapt to where you are but another overseas location would be fine.

Why do you want to go back to London so much?

I sympathise too. I've been here for three years now, not working for most of that time and feel that DH is very settled here and I am only just starting to be.

It's been a massive adjustment for me; DH grew up overseas so the idea of being somewhere unfamiliar is familiar to him, iyswim. Plus all he had to deal with was work, whereas I was coping with a lifestyle change, new language (although can get by in English), new schools/nurseries for the children, finding shops, finding things to fill the days, making friends.

Our relationship was not particularly strong before we came here - in fact, we moved here so that we could spend more time together as he was travelling a lot in the last job. The first year, I couldn't think why I'd come as he was busy at work and I was feeling lost and consequently we got on worse than ever. The second year, I worked and tried to beat him at his own game. Then realised that I was missing out on being with the children and while it didn't seem to bother him, I didn't want to do that any more.

Then I had to go back to the UK for 7 months because of a difficult pregnancy and DH had the 3 children (aged 5, 4, 2 when I left). Maybe this was the making of us in the end - whatever it was, now things are much better between us. He seems to be a better dad (enforced practice!), I'm happy to be back and am starting to make some friends (about time too!). The moving-back-to-the-UK question is unresolved with us (I'd like to, he's like your DH) but we'll sort that out later.

Sorry for the life history! To summarise, I'd say hang in there - your DCs are still small and there is time to sort it out. If you're sleep-deprived too then things will seem worse. I basically stuck around for the children and I'm now glad I did. Not that things are wonderful, but they're good.

Thank you for your replies and please don't apologise for the life history lostinfrica, it helps!

GFM, I am getting over not moving back to London. I lived there for 15 years and consider it home - I had a great job and social life (including after birth of dc1) so probably view it with rose tinted spectacles but I do realise it has its downsides too (and the fat cat job isn't realistic, horrible hours, lots of travel and that wouldn't work for me with dcs..altho. everyone is different).

While I don't hate where we live and have some friends now , it's not home (difficult place to crack but many plus points too) and dh's refusal to put a time limit on things makes me feel unsettled.

Lost, I am cheered by your story, good is good enough for me.

I think I am just going to get on with things and work on making myself happy and hope that will have a positive impact on the marriage bit and not worry about the future/hanker for my old life.

Are you in the German speaking part of CH?

I can relate to what you are saying about CH, it is a difficult country to live in permanently. It is not really set up for going back to work, imo.

Good luck, then - glad you're sounding more positive than the other day. I think your plan is a good one! I shall have to remember it when the weather here gets hotter again and it's harder to think rationally! :o

Hi, I am also in a similar position to you. We are an English couple living in France. We are trapped financially and I so desperately want to go home. My kids and DH are ok, they don't mind being here, but I hate it. To put it simply, I miss English people. The people here are nice enough but we just don't connet on the same level and I feel so alone. I am currently teaching English, but don't have many hours, so spend a lot of time at home (staring out of the window) when the kids are at school, or on the computer. I feel like I'm going crazy, I used to have such an active life and a good job in England, which I threw away for a better "lifestyle", now I realise, lifestyle is what you make it. Being married to a very busy builder/carpentar is also a very lonely place. when he's not working, he's sleeping (this often includes weekends). We have no quality time because we are struggling financially....as far as I'm concerned I can't get back fast enough! Today, i've taken the dog to get a passport and my kids have been prepped for the departure if Mummy gets a job in england. TBH....If I don't do this, I feel that I will make all of our lives miserable and not just my own....I've even considered going back for work and travelling back to the family at weekends (I've covered all the possibilities). i have now decided that I'm returning to the UK in the Summer, Job or no Job, If I stay here any longer I'll end up with a drink problem, as I console myself with one or two glasses of vino every night!!! It's as bad as it gets!