When I move again I will make friends and be popular by....

[squashedandboshed]

meeting lots of people;

smiling all the time;

never mentioning how tired I feel, stressed with 2 children under 2 with no family support, do better at hiding my PND (the tablets help);

say nothing intellectually stimulating, never come across like I read a newspaper, know what is going on in the world (assuming you can manage a conversation that gets further than "how long have you lived here, what does your husband do, how many children have you got, what are their names, where did you move from");

go to coffee mornings a bl&&dy well look like I am enjoying the inane conversation;

(more seriously) not see people for the sake of the children being occupied and meet up with people because you enjoy their company

on a serious note - we are probably moving soon and now I feel I am getting through a difficult period with 2 very small children (though sleep and energy) do allude me - I do want to make some friends - I have lived where we are now for 2 yrs - big expat scene in europe and I have made no close friends, no one I enjoy being with (freely admit I have not been a barrel of laughs myself) - so any wise words please?

Squashed, I could have written your first post. The only difference is our location (US for 2 yrs and soon to move again) and I think to be honest, some days when I have forced myself to talk to parents with similar aged kids (while the kids play together) I do often feel a bit more balanced. Having said that though, the conversation is usually limited to my listening and making nice sounds to a parent who wants to tell me in minute detail about their gifted child (again).

The intellectual thing may be more cultural than you know. In that there are environments where that kind of conversation is expected and seen as appropriate, and other places where it is not. That and brain rot due to sleep deprivation. I found that a lot of my dissatisfaction with myself was projected onto what I found to be socially limited mothers around me. I think if you give yourself a slightly easier time then your expectations of others also lighten up a bit and they can sometimes, surprise you.

Squashed - I've found that getting involved with things at ds's school has been the way to friendships for me, and although people come and go, there is always someone around to have a coffee with; go to a bookgroup with etc.

If you move to Belgium next, I'll meet you for a coffee, I can talk politics and lit with you.

Women with small children DO tend to focus more on them, and less on the outside world, especially those living in an Expat bubble. When I moved to Belgium - dd was 2. I had plenty to cope with finding out about schools and sorting utility companies/furniture and dealing with a 2 yo, without giving the slightest toss about politics, literature or anything remotely intellectual.

I would have flung myself at anyone who offered chardonnay and leer at George Clooney though (in fact somethings don't change)

I worked though, so never had the opportunity to go to Toddler groups. I found the first 2 years very hard, though I tried lots of things.

It got easier when dd was older and made her OWN friends. Then you can invite children round and talk to their parents. I volunteered for the Brussels Childbirth Trust events committee and met loads of people through that. Dd started Rainbows and I spent an hour a week in the church hall creche with some lovely mums and their younger kids whilst the girls did their stuff. We are still in contact. Oh and there are MNetters. I even have new friends who are friends of MNetters.

My advice is to put yourself out there. Accept every invitation, have every conversation. Seek out others. It won't work everytime. I can remember a cringy day when I invited local BCT members to the playground. 3/4s of them were German and gravitated together. One of them was really snooty and made it clear she considered me "inferior" but out of the 6 I am still in close contact with one. And a night out where everyone discussed the best place to buy ballgowns as there was a do at the Italian Embassy and I just sat there not knowing what to say.....

Good advice portfino, some of which I shall take for myself.( I doubt I'll ever have the ball gown conundrum though.)

I am being a bit unfair - as they were great evenings out and I met some lovely people. The "things in common" thing applies, as I was mixing with Embassy/EU wives.

So whilst we had a good laugh, there were conversations about which was the best very expensive gym, and my favourite - "My house is SO large that I don't feel I should put the heating on when the kids are at school, what do you think?" I think I choked on my wine, and muttered something non-committal.

Expat life tends to go in cycles. People come and go so one year you have a great group the next year the dynamics change as others move on and you just draw on your inner self glasses of wine and ermmm Mumsnet:)
From all of your posts you mention an interest in current affairs- have you checked to see if there are any expat groups for this sort of thing near to you?
If your DH works aren't there any wives of his work colleagues you could connect with?
Could he invite another couple for dinner? Does DH play sport- could you go along with him to meet other couples?
It's coming towards Christmas could you hold a small drinks party at yours or organize a restaurant dinner? Here people will say " I'm thinking of getting a group together " it's much less scary than committing to a 1 on 1 with someone you barely know!