Boarding school or not?

[THK]

Would love input.
Oldest DD 10 cant wait to go for the idea of living an Enid Blyton book dormitory existance.
She's academically very bright and mature so I dont worry she couldnt handle it but Im now doubting if its the right thing to do.
Current school ( in Hong Kong) very good academically pushy so it suits her. Shes happy there. Results very good so as a parent Im not worried it doesnt cut the mustard - expect she will more than likely end up at a UK Uni if she stays.

Im just feeling the UK is a grim place at the moment. Here we dont have the drink or drugs problem and personal safety is never a worry. Its a very respectful existance.
Would it be better for her to break out of the bubble we currently live in and start to experience western culture , she has only ever lived in Asia but we do get to the UK a couple of times per year. Would Boarding school just be another bubble in a colder climate OR should she just continue to grow up in a very "safe" environment and wait until she is old enough for Uni.
Thoughts anyone???

Urm western culture isn't all about drink and drugs

If she's happy at school, doing well there then why move her? And is there an option to board at the current school or are you wanting her to board in the UK?

My parents asked me if I wanted to board and I jumped at it. Mainly so I could get away from their overbearing stranglehold on me and simply be myself though. Doesn't sound like your situation is the same though!

If she's going to end up in the UK at some point then perhaps she could spend more time there when you do visit. Moving her now seems a bit un-necessary to me. You can open her eyes to different cultures without dropping her in it. Not that boarding school is really going to show her what it's actually like in the UK.

Gillybean - did you go to a UK boarding school? from your experience is it something you would consider for your children??
in your opinion what was the main benefit
( other than escaping from home).
Many Thanks

Yes I went to a UK boarding school.

We lived abroad until I was 8 in various different countries, my parents moved back to the UK to settle us (me plus 2 younger sisters) for our secondary education.

My school had both day and boarding pupils. It was a very long journey for me to get to school so I couldn't do any after school clubs, have friends over etc. So after two years of being out of the house for 12 hours just to get to and from school I was more than happy with the option to board (on top if the issues I had at home which I wanted to escape)

Both of my younger sisters also choose to become boarders after doing the day girl thing for a couple of years.
I was far happier there than at home and am glad I did it.

But no I wouldn't consider it for my ds. He would not be happy at a boarding school and I'm a single parent with only one child so couldn't afford it anyhow.

However I wouldn't rule it out for a child who was happy to go if I was in different circumstances.

My school was a state convent and girls only school. However it no longer takes boarders. So depending on what kind of school you would consider for your dd and how often you'd see her etc you may have different considerations.

It's another bubble IMO.

There are schools which are full of wealthy Brits with ponies, there are schools which are predominantly forces, there are schools which are stuffed with expats/international students sent to the UK and it's nothing like Enid Blyton!

The only thing I'd consider is what exam she will take at the end of high school and how that will impact her Uni choices. If she wants to do certain subjects the IB isn't really a possibility because the entry requirements aren't meetable under it.

Thanks for your feedback.
TBH One of the main reasons is that I really wanted her to attend an all girls school in secondary and out here there simple arent any. We have her name down at Cheltenham and Wycombe Abbey.
Her current school does offer IB and IGCSEs so she is OK for Uk Uni entrance if she stays at her current school.
Firefrakkers did you enjoy boarding?
gillybean , When we met the old head at Cheltenham her comment was that she felt many children benefitted not from the tuition aspect of boarding but from breaking away from their parents and being allowed to think for themselves.

How funny! Wycombe is where I wanted to go (my mother taught there so I'd have been day with option to board if I wanted), Cheltenham is where I ended up. I lasted 6 weeks before the head told my parents I might benefit from being elsewhere. Wasn't the school for me...

I ended up going back to school I was at before and when my family went overseas again for a but they made a kind of fostering arrangement.

Another option is to send her back for sixth form? We are doing this for ds hopefully. He is at an International school in Brussels (Year 10), but as we don't know where we'll be after his GCSEs, we are hoping to send him to a state sixth form with boarding in Winchester to get him used to UK again and to cut the apron strings a bit.

I'm quite stuck by the "breaking away from parents and being allowed to think for themselves" comment. Isn't that what we hope will happen for our children as they become adults? Why is it desirable/what is the advantage for it to happen at a younger age?

It sounds like your DD is in a good school OP, why does she need to experience Western culture? She may choose to spend her whole life in Asia, or she may do what a lot of us have done and go somewhere totally different which for her may be the UK. You don't really need to be prepared for adventure, just open to it.

Hello again!

Totally agree with what sunny delight has just said.

Our life is cushioned in Asia and also agree they would benefit from being a bit more streetwise ( if I read correctly you mean yob culture when you say western culture )
That said, don't be deluded, their eyes are very open, drugs and drink readily available (so I hear from parents of boarders and day school pupils at very very reputable Singapore schools). If that's common in Singapore, can only imagine what it's like here!

Then again if SHE wants to go........she would have the best of both worlds really with regular fabulous holidays back here.

no
why would you send your kid away?

A long time ago I read all the Enid Blyton school stories so was very happy and excited to be sent away to school age 9.

The first night away was one huge shock. I was not at all prepared for being separated from my parents. I was unhappy until I left at 16 to go to local sixth form college. My parents always maintained that they were doing the 'right thing ' for me educationally but the emotional scars took a long, long time to heal.

This was over 40 years ago and I know boarding schools are better now about supporting homesick kids but I would never send my daughter away at this age.

She may want to go but she wont really know what it is like to be separated until she experiences it. 'Enid Blyton book dormitory existence' is a story not the reality IMO

I am faced with the proposition of sending our eldest to a state boarding school for 6th form, I am only half comfortable with the idea myself, my son is probably happier about the idea, this would be aged 16 and my main concern is the emotional need for a parent even at that age. The reason for even considering boarding school is financial, the choice between a very very expensive international school (currently a funded place but business cuts mean no more funding) and a less expensive state boarding school which will still cost a third of our total annual income.

At age 10, there is no way, can't think of any reason to separate from a child at that age.

I think I'd ban Enid Blyton books in the house for a while. Stay where you are in HK, count yourselves lucky that you have a job and somewhere to live, make the most of what you have got.

I think if you're going to do it, you need to be very very clear what these schools are like (and in the nicest possible way, it sounds as if you aren't, entirely). Both WA and CLC are very academically and socially competitive, extremely full-on and quite tough places (I went to one of them, won't say which).

Whatever the teachers may say about developing independence, yadda yadda, you don't send a child to any boarding school, but particularly to one of those two to develop her own personality and discover who she really is. There is very little actual independence (they are institutions, after all) and not much free time or downtime. What you probably do get is a child who becomes much more emotionally self-contained, which can look like confidence and independence but is not the same thing at all. And yes, it is a complete bubble -- you mix with a highly selective and unrepresentative group of people in an extremely controlled and controlling environment.

Personally, I wouldn't consider it under any circs. Both my dds are easily academic enough for it, should we have wanted to go that route. Nor is it about the money -- I'd feel the same if we'd been offered a place for free. I want my kids to have the chance to develop their own interests, yes work hard and be pushed, but also have some downtime to mix with people other than their school friends, to try out activities in different contexts and develop a bit of genuine independence and initiative.

But if you do want to take the idea further, be sure that your child is academically and socially very robust, extremely confident, and not particularly sensitive or in need of encouragement or support. Being very highly intelligent in a slightly left-field way, original, idiosyncratic or subversive would also not be an asset.

FWIW, I don't think there are many people it does actually suit. There may be some people who can convince themselves they benefited from it, but I know a lot of people who hated it, though none of them would have said that or even fully realised it at the time. None of them have chosen to send their own dds there. Bear in mind also that if it does go wrong you'll be a very long way away, and may have lost the kind of emotional closeness that would enable you to pick up the signals and respond to them.

Think very long and hard, and do your research thoroughly.

You have chosen good schools which do their job well. There will be a good number of children from Hong Kong at both - but I guess you know that.

The practical disadvantages of going from Hong Kong mean that the very long flight and time difference make it very difficult for you to get back for short exeats, plays or school matches and a week's half term will be barely long enough to be worth coming home for, so contact will be very limited. The time difference will mean that simply phoning you will not always be possible at a convenient time.

I don't really buy the "independence" argument as I cannot see why they need or want too much independence at eleven. Having brought up children as expats in the Far and Middle East, I understand and empathize with the worry about having overly sheltered children, but I believe it is unfounded and is often caused by our own, adult, frustrations at being in a bit of an expat bubble. Children can only take so much of the world on board and there is sufficient in Hong Kong at your daughter's age.

For expats though (and the reaons for making such a choice are different for an expat compared with a UK resident) here can be a slight problem later with university though. Drop out rates/traumas tend to be a little higher than might be expected from these environments because leaving a protected, wealthy, warm environment with maid to pick up clothes, for catching buses in cold Europe can be tough and a real culture shock and is not to be underestimated. Fitting in with home students can take a while. Although they will be returning to their home passport country, it really isn't home. But coming from boarding school can be a bit alienating too of course.

I have children at one of the schools you mention, due to moving postings at critical points in their studies. (they were considerably older than your daughter when they went) They are very happy but don't underestimate the loss both you and your daughter will feel, especially if you are stable where you are and you are pleased with the standard of education you have there. I am delighted with the standard of teaching they receive, and the diffferent opportunities, but is the difference enough to warrant splitting your family?

There are extra opportunities, but your own child will have capacity to take advantage of only some, especially at such a young age, simply due to time constraints. This will alter somewhat as your daughter grows older.

It has worked well for our family but though I don't regret it, and I envy them their wonderful education, I am ambivalent about it. I now live just a short flight away which makes me far happier.

If she really wants to go I would suggest you wait a few more years so that her maturity is greater. Some say they settle better younger, but that smacks of institutionalization to me and matrons will quietly acknowledge that younger ones struggle at times.

It is worth remembering though that once you start the ball rolling you are set on a pathway to some extent. Mine settled immediately due to good pastoral care (both schools are good at that) and, I think, being mature enough to know who they are and what they want from school. The high fees mean that most children are excluded from going, of course, but the mix of types of children is wider than is often suggested and my daughters have found kind, supportive friends and have experience no social problems at all. (I wonder if this is because the because the odd experience of peripatetic, expat life makes them a bit classless in a way.) While I think Auntada's post is very true, thoughtful and helpful, my daughters both commented independently that students find acceptance despite being different or quirky and that there is actually far less of an "in crowd" expectation of behaviour than they were used to.

Natation - I am hoping to send ds to state sixth form in UK with a small boarding facility in 2012. Can forward you the link of where I'm looking if you want?

One possibly relevant experience - a close friend who grew up in Singapore and went to a very well-regarded girls' boarding school at 14 (similar to Wycombe Abbey). She got a great education, fantastic work ethic and has done well in life, and has a close relationship with her parents. However, she was utterly miserable for large parts of her adolescence, was suspended twice from the school, and IMO picked the wrong subject at university and was fairly unhappy there. I remember her saying how unbelievably alien the culture of her school was to her, having arrived from a very open, diverse international school (with a great academic record as well) to a school that bristled with rules in an unbelievably cold part of the country. We were all scared of her when she arrived at university, she gave off a massive 'stay away' vibe and had certain issues about her appearance IMO, but is actually a complete softie and so beautiful. I still wonder why her parents did it, but then I don't know anything about education in other countries.

It sounds like an unnecessary idea to me.

Count your privileges, and nurture the remaining years you have of your daughter under your roof. Probably around eight years - they'll fly by.

Enid Blyton's badly-written boarding school stories are as relevant to 21st century education as Jules Verne's Around The World In Eighty Days is to modern travel.

Thanks Scary, I already have 3 state boarding schools which we are considering, 2 close to Brussels which we know well and 1 near the grandparents. What happens now is in the hands of some committee at school, I've asked for a hefty discount of school fees to the point of no profit for the school, if the committee says no, then it's a loss of 30k for the school and gain for state boarding. And thanks David Cameron for withdrawing the funding!!!

DC1 and 2 both go to UK boarding schools. They went to an excellent prep school in the UK until they were aged 13 and 10 when they moved out to the Middle East with me due to DH's work.
DC1 settled quite well and remained doing his GCSE/IGCSEs there but DC2 didn't settle as well so she returned to the UK two years ago and is doing very well and just starting her GCSEs. She is very happy at her school which is a state boarding school and has students from all walks of life, rich, average income, english and a few different nationalities.

DC1 remained in the ME for GCSEs and returned to a private 6th form boarding school. He settled in well and did very well in his AS levels and has good predictions for A2.
He had the choice as to whether to come out to the ME when he was 13 or go to a boarding school then. He chose to move out but believes now that he may have done better at school if he had gone to the UK boarding school then althogh he accepts that living in the ME for 3 years was a good life experience and gave him opportunities he would not have had if he had gone straight to boarding school.

All children are different and what may be right for one may not be right for another.

OP, it sounds like your DD has a good lifestyle now and perhaps you should think about keeping her with you until say 13 when she could return to the UK for a year before her GCSEs.

I agree it totally depends on the child. DS2, who's 9, has just started boarding in the UK after a very unhappy 18 months in the USA. He had the advantage of following DS1 to the same school, so knew the teachers, matrons, other boys and parents so it was not completely new to him. And family and friends live nearby.

I swore I wouldn't let him go so young, but in the end we agreed to give it a try. It has worked for him - he misses us, and we miss him, but he's thrown himself into school and says he loves it. I couldn't have done it if I hadn't known the school so well, and if he had not been as unhappy here as he was I would not have considered it.

Good luck with your decision.

My sister boarded for sixth form and I followed her a year later (at 14) because I realised how much more fun it would be. I know I wouldn't have coped at 13 but I actively wanted to go which helps to deal with the issues that might arise from being away from home.

I would say, though, that one of the reasons I wanted to move was to get out of the all girls environment I was in - it was bitchy and the pressure to grow up too fast was horrific. I have friends who went to the schools you mentioned who loved it, but I also know that for me all girls would not have worked.

It might be worth considering a mixed school? If it something you feel very strongly about then obviously it isn't right for you but I found that boys lighten the mood a LOT in lessons which can be a relief if it's the wrong time of the month in a boarding house (60 teenage girls more of less within a fortnight....). I spent nearly all my time outside lessons with girls, but it was nice knowing that I could escape if I wanted to. It also made the transition to university easier since I had been around boys more...

It is a bubble, but that isn't a bad thing necessarily, it can just be a way of feeling secure. University, in my experience, has just been one big bubble (particularly universities like Durham or Bristol) so I wouldn't let that put you off.

I had a fantastic relationship with my parents and boarding only strengthened that.

my childrens boarding school incredibly enid blytonish - only more modern facilites and dd1 who boards loves it so much , dd2 aged 6 wants to board but mean mummy cannot bear that idea !

Thanks all for your continuing shared thoughts its really useful to hear other peoples honest opinions.
Ottoline you really have really set me re thinking.
Im still very keen for an all girls education. DD is very academic & left field and so Im thinking you are right to suggest leaving it to maybe 13 or even 16 to allow her emotional maturity to catch up with her academic ability. She has skipped a year at school so I think Im under - estimating the effect of puberty given as she is 2 years younger than some of the children in her year.

We have a fantastic relationship, and she is a lovely child and losing that connection would be heartbreaking.
Like all mothers I want the best for her and with no personal experience of the benefits or drawbacks of boarding, find all these posts really helpful.

I went to an all girls boarding school at 11 and my brother to an all boys at 13. We both started school in the bottom year and in my case the school expanded rapidly at 13 as all the CE students joined then.

We both loved it. We lived in India and had a bad home life so boarding school, for us was the perfect place and I begged to go. My mother came back to the UK a year later and my relationship with my mother was only strengthened by her getting to play good cop all the time whilst school was the mean old bad cop when need be.

My school, Benenden, used houses purely for sleeping and pastoral care with a school central eating area and central classes. My brother's school, Tonbridge, was much more house based with all meals taken in house and lots of subjects, especially sports, in houses too. My brothers system was great if you got on well with those in your house and my brothers school friends are all from his boarding house. Mine gave me a wider range of friends and meant I wasn't "stuck" with those in my house. My closest friends from school weren't in my boarding house.

My school was all boarding and we had a wide mix of girls from overseas, down the road and across the country. I do think that a total boarding school is much better than a day/boarding school as boarding only schools tend to put a lot more focus on weekend activities which is important.

Certainly at my school we really did develop tough hides, independence and were quite grown up. The opportunities I got from my school I would never have received had I stayed in India nor would I have had them if we lived in the UK: Choir trips in Europe, sport trips to America, constant cultural trips (Christmas markets on the continent, theater in London etc), lectures such a wide range of people as Julian Fellows, Bear Grills (before he became famous), an old girl who had been part of the 9/11 relief effort, radio presenters etc. We performed school plays at Her Majesty's Theater and others. Even now I'm happy meeting new people and can chitchat like a champ because we (even at 11) were expected to be total ambassadors for the school. Parents were taken round by students and visitors had dinner with girls and the odd staff member.

Your days don't really stop which is a good thing when you're far from home. I remember having a full days school (8:30 - 5) followed by team sports practice, choir, dinner, prep, school play rehearsals and finally going to bed at 10 happy but tired.

Going to a school in the middle of no where is an advantage when you're younger as it is safer and when you are older there is no local pub to pop to. When you're 18 and want to go out it's a bore though!

There really is a high level of care given to students within the houses. We were close to house staff and had personal tutors who looked after us and cared for us. There was always someone to talk to and you never ever felt alone. The schools know too that it's tough for girls who are miles away from their parents. You aren't given time in the first month to get home sick and staff keep a close eye on you.

I also think that expat children grow up quickly anyway. Certainly at my school girls who lived overseas were far more grown up than girls who lived in the UK.

An all girls school is as bitchy as the girls in it. In my experience it depended who your friends were. Some girls, of course, were competitive and jealous and bitchy. Most were rather down to earth and didn't care what car your parents drove or where you went on holiday. This is exactly true at ANY school. The benefit of girls only I still feel strongly. No one worried about doing their hair or make up in the morning and girls who did fuss about make up during school time were thought to be a bit sad.

I would send my daughter at 13 if I felt she wasn't ready at 11 and yes I would send my daughter if I felt it was right for her. No school is right for every child and that is certainly true for boarding schools. You also need to visit schools carefully and make sure you send your daughter to one that fits her. Some are more sporty, some more academic and some more arts based. It depends what your daughter is good at.

Good luck.

I'm currently at girls boarding schools in ny. it is always scary when you think about it she can make it and she have to. I have been boarding for 6 years now like since I was 10y/o. my mother sent me and it turned out to be the best thing ever for me.