Not settled in new country, can't go home for another 9 months

[Ladydutchalot]

How do I stop myself getting ill? Am working all hours (up at 6, usually in bed for 3am) so it's not a boredom issue, but I just hate it.

I have seen dp for a total of 7 days since July (he is still in the UK), and considering we haven't left each other's side for the past three years this is killing me. Yes, I know I'm in a good EU country and it could be so much worse, but I am not coping. I cannot make any friends at school as I am constantly dropping dd and running off to get the train to get to the university. I don't have time to make friends there as I'm constantly running to school for pick up. I don't know anyone to babysit, so can't go out for a glass of wine with a group from uni to try and pick up some friends.

The school is good (mainly) for dd, but were v rude at parents evening about my apparent lack of parenting skills, which has made me want to bolt even more. The neighbour set her dog on me on Saturday as she thought I was vandalising her bike (I wasn't, it was just a case of wrong place wrong time) I freaking hate this place. Everyone just seems so rude and hostile, but I'm stuck here until next July, and need to make it more bearable, as I can't stop myself from continually crying in public at the mo, and it is getting embarrassing.

You would feel awful wherever you were if you were getting up at 6 and not going to bed until 3. Sorry but you need sleep.

Next you need DP to come and visit you.

Third what you are doing sounds totally unsustainable. You need to find help and fast. Can you get an Au pair or some kind of motehrs help? You need to be looking carefully at what you are doing. Are you spending any quality time with your DD? Are you getting anytime to refresh your batteries?

Is your course at the university really really worth it?

If you had enough sleep, you could get through the criticism and mad neighbour, maybe. There is a time whenever someone moves (especially overseas) where everything is too much and too different, and you look home with longing. But in your case you are making this worse by over work, and not giving yourself any time to become part of the place.

I hope you do find that time. Good luck!

You definitely need sleep!

Is it better when DP is around? Is he away often?

Do you think you could cope with an au pair or similar living with you to give you some support?

Are there any expats around? Do they run meetup groups or children's activities that you might be able to meet people in a similar situation through?

We have no room for an au pair as we are living in a bedsit, and I can't afford a nanny, so I'm stuck childcare wise really. Dp is stuck in the UK for the full time we are here. He has come out for two weekends, but they made it worse as it made me long for home so badly and miss him so much when he was gone!!

I'm going in to the university today to ask if I can leave in January, as there doesn't seem to be a practical solution to this, despite me searching and your advice. I slept for 6 hours last night, which was lovely, as I decided it was best to sleep, but still couldn't cope with the playground jibes from the teachers (dd took the class teddy home for the weekend, and we are meant to write in a book about it. She hadn't her writing, so I said she could do it tonight, and the teachers started telling her I was useless and lazy!!!) I just don't like the dutch way of doing things. It offends me and upsets me, and I'd rather be as far away from it as possible.

There are expats, but they are over 40 mins away by train. We do that commute every day during the week, and I'm just not in the right place physically and mentally to do it again at the weekend.

OK, enough moaning, I'll get off my butt and put things into place for coming home.

Where are you in Holland? There are a few MNetters in Belgium and Holland, perhaps there is someone nearby who can help a bit.

I haven't quite understood what you are doing there, are you studying or working at the Uni?

Why are you up so late? Studying?

The first couple of months in a new country are the hardest, and since you are doing it all alone, it is no wonder that you are miserable.

Can you transfer your course to a UK institute? Are there any local au pairs who might be able to babysit occasionally?

It does sound tough but presumably you did it for a reason and that reason might well be worth persevering.

that schedule would drive you to depression and crying in ANY country
If you want to stay -you need to get more sleep.
something will have to give or you will get ill

I have made an appointment with the university, and we could be leaving as early as the 28th Jan!!! I hope they let us!!!! I am studying over here, so am up until the early hours with that. In England I used to get it done when dd was at school, but because the commute to the school is so great, and there is no after school care available, I can only attend lectures. Then can't do anything until dd is in bed, washing up done, I've rung dp etc, which leads us to 10pm, and it takes ages to get through as I re-read everything because I'm sleepy!

I can't actually remember the reason I did it in the first place. It adds an extra something to your cv when applying for jobs, and everyone in my circle has very similar cv's,so it gives you the edge. Have decided doing one semester instead of two in enough though!

Thank you all for helping, I just can't wait to get back now!

Hi there,

can you not move your daughter to a school nearer to your university? Then you wouldn't spend so much time commuting and it would make your life easier.

Are you sure the teachers are so mean? Perhaps it is because you are so tired. It would be very unprofessional for a teacher to criticise a parent directly, of course it happens in private but teachers normally sign a contact forbidding this sort of behaviour.

does your university have a counsellor for foreign students or single parents (which in effect you are there)?

I was doing a similar thing to you before the holidays. I was desperate to make sure I could sustain myself financially, so was doing two teaching jobs with evening classes, was collecting the kids from school in between - and then squeezing in shopping, admin, cleaning and so on.....I was ratty with everyone and very unpleasant to be around. As a result, the kids were rattled and unsettled too, my relationship suffered as I just didn't have time for anyone, and for what? A few extra euros in the bank at the end of the month. I've since given up one of the jobs, and although I am earning less, I am a lot happier - I even have time to go on Mumsnet in the evenings which is great. i have time to help my kids with their homework, I can make sure things (that I don't like doing) get done and even walk the dog when he comes begging. Yes, I too hate where I am and am looking forward to the time when we can afford to move on. In the meantime, you just have to make it bearable....there is a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to be patient. My survival tips are: reduce the working hours (yes Uni may have to be postponed or moved), put YOU and Your Kids first, eat well, do the things you enjoy, make sure you read good things in English, listen to English radio (this really cheers me up in this foreign land), watch x-factor on a Saturday night - it'll remind you of what you're NOT missing, keep warm, take regular little walks (with a dog is good) to clear your head. Keep in touch with friends and family on Facebook (mumsnet) to feel closer to them all. You're gonna have to see this through, just like we're doing - we've probably got another year here minimum - I can't even think about home 'cos the desire just to jump on a train and go is so overhwhelming. In the words of the late Micheal Jackson, "You are not alone, I am here with you,......", Be Strong.....fellow expat.

Can your DD go home before you? Since you're only there short-term, is there any way she could be with your partner in her "home" school? At least there you presumably have friends (and maybe family) who can be called on to help - where you are you have nobody.

I have 9 months till I leave here (with any luck)...

that's an idea. Hard but it is hard whatever you do. If dd were with dp back inthe UK, it would free you up to get on with the course. Could you face that?

where are you lostinafrica?

I also used to live in the Netherlands and I know what you mean about the rudeness. It really can rattle you. I remember feeling like there was a contest to say the absolute worst thing that would bring a person to tears. But, as I'm sure others have already told you, my dutch friends would swear that is not the case - they say there are direct, rather than rude. It is a matter of very different social and cultures norms. Their perception is that directness means honesty, and theirs is a more honest way of interacting. I remember someone telling me that asking someone "how are you?" is pointless when you don't really care what the answer is. So what I perceived as courtesy was seen as a sort of annoyance.

Anyway, I remember being told over and over not to take offence, but in the end I found it really got me down and affected my mood massively. So I left and to be honest, I've never had any desire to go back. Funnily enough since then I have met a number of people who also turned and fled from Holland, (in one case only months after a transfer, and at great risk to her career), because they couldn't deal with what they perceived as social abrasion or aggressiveness. So, maybe there are just some types of people that just aren't meant to live there?

I really feel for you and I hope you find a good solution to your dilemma!

I posted on your other threat, but re the rudeness I just wanted to say that my MIL is Dutch (DH is French) and it took me a while to learn to cope with what I saw as her abrasiveness. I also found the French pretty hard to cope with in terms of rudeness, but in the end I did develop strategies for how to respond (maybe discuss it with other expats who have lived there?) and also learned not to take it personally and just to think 'f* you' to myself instead.

I was going to say much the same about Dutch traits! It is so hard not to take it personally when you're so down, isn't it?

Most of my dealings with the Dutch has been in a UK healthcare setting- and the reality was, at any given moment most had some sort of disciplinary thing happening to them as a result of complaints raised against them by patients regarding rude and abrasive behaviour! It was definitely a cultural thing.

In seconding what others have said, I think now would be a good time for a rethink as you're obviously desperately unhappy. It can't be worth that high a price for your sanity!

I'm... errm, in Northern Africa. Sorry to be vague.

Sorry to hear this LadyDutchalot, I remember your thread ages ago about asking for advice regarding the move to Holland.

Sorry that the move hasn't worked out.

Don't suppose you can move to Belgium? It's so much better here, people are polite for a start.

Actually, as a sweeping stereotype- that's true! The Belgians are 'nicer' than the Dutch!

and flemish is so much softer then dutch.

I have a Belgian friend, and although she can be abrupt at times she is wonderful, and incredibly thoughtful. She got in touch a few weeks ago as dp had told her how down I was and she simply said "I don't like to say anything in public as I don't want to appear racist, but I hate the dutch people and the dutch culture. Just get out of there". I felt much less alone after that

I have been sleeping instead of working, which has improved things enormously, and had a fab coffee afternoon with some mums while the girls were in ballet, but am still missing dp to a painful extent, as is he, and am worried I will become more dutch. My standard response to strangers is now "f off", which is not me at all. I am usually a meek, polite little thing that apologises at every turn.

I think the headteacher at the school just dislikes me in general, so I need to just ignore her. Things are fine with the teachers now, but she just keeps digging and digging. Dd was in a school play today, and is rapidly increasing in girth since we arrived. Nothing to do with a diet change, as dd is such a fussy eater I couldn't change it if I wanted to! It is growth spurt tub, but the spurt is long overdue. She starts lecturing me about fuelling dd's obesity, and how the child will be ridiculed when her trousers fall down mid play as she probably can't do them up she is so fat, and how I as a parent could sit by and watch this happen. Butt out woman!!!!

Lost in Africa, we should find an online calendar where we can count down the days to leaving together, and have a little celebration for each other when we do escape

Hi! also remember your old posts and sorry to hear it is so hard.
hang on, you are more that halfway through to january now.

I lived in amsterdam -where, as it were half the population is foreign- and agree the rudeness is a cultural thing.
Nothing racist in saying so. the dutch (abroad) admit it themselves very readily.

That said, that teacher is just incredibly insensitive and unprofessional for someone working with early primary children. I would without any hesitation strictly document all here jibes and make a formal complaint to the principal/local academic authorities upon departing.

In the meantime, a regular little mental mantra of 'f* off' gets you through the day.

good luck

Try 'Rot op!' instead of 'F off!'
I live in NL - I'm used to the bluntness now to the point that I do it too and offend people back home. Whoops. It's 2am and I really ought to be in bed but I'll be back to add something more constructive.
And you're right about the Belgians but I live in Limburg which is nearly there.....

Heehee! Great idea. Except I won't be going back to the UK - just on somewhere new and start the whole process again.

Ah well, that somewhere new may well be Canada... and that'd be a nice change of pace from current location! :)