Unemployed unhappy trailing spouse

[silverbridge]

Can anyone give me a bit of advice or cheer me up? We moved 6 months ago for DH's job. I am very career focussed. I couldn't seek a transfer myself but was assured by his company as part of the negotiations that there would be tons of opportunities for me since the region is booming.

6 months in and I am still not working, despite incessant networking and charm offensives. The type of work I do would lend itself well to freelancing, and in fact I have been approached in that capacity. Unfortunately, new visa rules came into place right before we moved here and am I not permitted to freelance. I have to be sponsored into a perm role. Trouble is current political climate is favouring jobs for locals.

I am literally losing my mind. I had only just started to get back into my career full-time after maternity leave and part-time, so it's not as if I was burnt-out and needed the break. Plus we are having a bit of a financial struggle with only the one income. I am ready to pack it all in, but we will have to pay back all relocation costs, pay to ship our stuff back to the UK, we will lose our 2 months deposit on our place here, plus our house is rented out. We cannot afford to leave. I feel completely trapped and increasingly having very low days.

As a result of all this pressure DH and I's relationship has deteriorated significantly. I feel so angry that it's hard not to run down the streets screaming. I have been fantasising about getting arrested and deported so that the decision is made for us. It's all misery over here. Any advice? I know a lot of this is typical in our situation, but how to people actually deal with it?

Ok first of all how long is the posting/contract for? I found it a lot easier to deal with if I could look at it in short chunks. Dh's original posting was for 2-4 years but after about 6 months here I said I would only do 2 years and, in fact, we will be going home after 18 months in order for dd1 to start school in the uk.

Apart from your old job, is there anything else you can do? Where are you? I have spent my time writing a novel - ok it's crap and will never be published but at least I am fulfilling a life-long ambition. What about online training?

Have you met others in a similar situation to you? Are there any netowrking type clubs you can join? Or social clubs, just to get to know others? You don't mention children - do you have any? I have basically formed a life around the children, which sounds rubbish but at least I have got to know people.

Sorry not to be more help but I am also a trailing spouse who used to have an independent career so I do know how it feels to have lost all control over your life. Don't give up - the first 6 months anywhere are always the worst and on an overseas posting can be awful. Especially when your other half walks out of the house to a job every day and you are left wondering how you're going to fill the next few hours....

No chance of doing your work online for an employer back in the UK?

I have known a lot of deeply unhappy trailing spouses, and, I have to say, have seen affairs and divorces because of the strain. I was very lucky in that when my DH had to move, my company had an office there and transferred me.

Do you mind saying where you are? All sorts of things (English speaking, servant culture, prevailing religion, third world vs first world) can make huge differences.

Can you afford to fly back home for a holiday by yourself?

Hi both thanks for responding. I really needed to get it off my chest today.

I have a DD who is now at nursery. At the beginning I was home with her full-time. Suddenly being a SAHM compounded my blues about the move. I met mums like me who were miserable beyond belief, which didn't help. I did meet the other type who are thrilled to be here as I suspect they are on fab expat packages and they are happy with their lives revolving around kids, social and beauty regimes, but I never clicked with them. I am normally a very social person, so it worries me that I am starting to give up on making friends.

I have been going to many networking events and do meet interesting people there but they are all very busy working (and I'm jealous!) I was doing some work for a client in the UK, but it was difficult to keep the engagement going with me being so far away. I think if I had known in advance the situation I would have arranged to study whilst here. I've missed application deadlines for anything interesting now.

In terms of jobs here, I'm now considering applying for junior roles to see if that helps. But I am concerned about how this is going to impact my career when I get home. We were planning to try for a 2nd DC when we got back, so if I don't work here it means many years out of work and possibly the end of my career full stop? I don't want to have a baby here as we don't get maternity health cover, but also I don't want to be miserable, without any support network and post-natal!

I know I am piling everything on top here, but that's sort of the problem. I am having a hard time contextualising my situation as strandedatsea, you seem to be doing relatively well (what's the novel about btw?). And ninedragons, the whole affair & divorce thing seem to be massive here too (from your name can I guess you are in HK? I am nearby). I am not so worried about the affair part, but I am concern that this situation is tearing our relationship to bits. A holiday away on my own does sound good. I'm worried I'll never come back!

Could you look at doing something with the OU just for fun? They have all sorts of start dates, the next lot is November and after that January.

It is hard when you arrive somewhere and feel like you have no identity left any more. You do, and you are still capable of doing things, just sometimes you need go think a little more laterally!

If you're in Singapore and want to meet for a coffee e-mail me on [email protected].

If you ARE in Singapore and maybe want to reveal privately what you do, I know someone who's here on an Entrepreneur Pass, and maybe I know someone in your business etc. Could you and your husband apply for PR, as then you can set up a business in your own name.

If you're NOT in Singapore, ignore all that but you have my sympathy!

Grrr.. how frustrating that must be!

I really feel for you - my first year here had similar frustrations. I was told beforehand that it's easy to make friends because everyone is here shortterm and wants to meet people, but what I've found is that either they were working hard or they were SAHMs with nannies, cooks and pedicures. I jumped at the chance of a job when one came up, feeling my brain might turn to mush if I didn't explode first from frustration at being away from everything familiar and forced to be useless...

Now I have four LOs aged 6 down to 7 months, so work is on the back burner again. I still find that most of the people I meet are here because they want to be, whereas I just followed DH (have nothing against the place, but...) and that puts a bit of a block in the way of friendship in some way. Or maybe it's just that I'm meeting lots of Americans and I can't do shiny happy people with the amount of sleep I'm getting!

Ah, I know about the lonliness of the expat mother.

I had DD in Shanghai and not one of our friends had children, so the days of walking her pram round the streets endlessly are still very fresh in my mind. I was walking up to 10 miles a day (got the pregnancy weight off quick smart, though). I got thoroughly sucked into Mumsnet, as a substitute for conversation, and the moment DH walked in the door I would blast him with everything I'd been storing up all day (not shout at him - just all the pent-up talking I hadn't been able to do).

Am now back in my home country and while I still miss SH and HK, I am very happy to be home.

You do need to address this issue with your DH or it will split you up. You're clearly in an Asia-Pac time zone, so could you seek online clients in Australia? Booming economy, too - corporate spending is growing at a massive rate.

at shiny, happy Americans - know exactly what you mean!

All our friends were sarcastic, cynical Brits, Australians or Chinese.

Don't go home for a visit now. It is the worst time to fo so, when you are so unhappy. You won't want to go back.

I am in a slightly different situation in that although I would like to work, I am not too bothered about being at home. I could work but most of my wages would go on national health contributions and taxes so it is not worth my while. And the childcare is expensive here too.

You say you are networking a lot, how about trying to meet people just for fun? I joined an international womens club, and although some people laugh about this kind of organization, it is a good place to meet people. My club offers courses and so I have joined the writing group, the photography group, the cookery group. I am also writing for the club magazine.

Is there anything liken that there?

I gave up teaching to follow dh (although you could argue Belgium isn't really expat), and I got involved heavily with 'Mum' things at ds's school, as I'd never had the opportunity to before. I coordinate a book group; run a Mum's English conversation group; help out in the Parent centre at the school one afternoon a week; coordinate a large club at the school and am supposed to be doing my MA.

I thought I'd go mad, but my Mum said to look at it as some time off, which I'd never really had. I don't spend huge amounts as some women do here; I have enough clothes and shoes, and if I'm honest books as well to keep me going. I would suggest finding something that you've always wanted to do, and do it whilst you have the time.

I am also in Singapore so ditto oldnewmummy's offer of meeting or any assistance I may or may not be able to give . If you are here that is!

You mention you didn't ask for a transfer from your previous employer - do they have any presence where you are? I only ask because I managed to get a transfer although on local terms and doing something completely different but it will give me better chance of a role when we do go back to the UK.

Is your DH understanding about how you feel and what your sacrifices have been?

I understand your dilemma about feeling trapped though. DH doesn't want to leave and financially it wouldn't be worthwhile for us at the moment anyway. Does leave you feeling like there is no way back though. A couple of years does go very fast though and many have resurrected their careers after much longer breaks.

Hi Silverbridge - well, I might sound like I'm doing well but I don't feel like it. Due to our circumstances (three major moves and two overseas postings in a three year period) I have not been able to go back to work at all, so - like you - worry I will have been out of the job market far too long to ever be able to resurrect my career (it would have to be something new as I resigned from my old job). So I guess I am trying to make the most of it and look at this as an opportunity rather than a problem.

But before I could do this I did have to go through what was almost like a grieving process for my old self, and come to terms with the fact that I would probably never reach my "full potential" as a career woman. I think this is the lot of most women who decide to stay at home and look after the children, not just those who go overseas.

I don't really know what to say to you except it WILL get better. I think you need to really have a think about what it is you want - is getting a job your priority? Or meeting like-minded people? Or just occupying yourself without going mad? And then decide how to tackle this. If you are in Bangkok by the way there was a thread on here before with someone in a similar position to you.

Anyway the novel is a sort of thriller based around the drugs trade in the Caribbean - gives you a clue as to where I am (and there's nothing to do here AT ALL unless you want to sit on a beach all day long...).

My heartfelt sympathies to you. You are in good company as this situation happens to countless spouses who follow their partners.

As a trailing spouse myself for 15+ years I came to have a much broader interpretation of the word "career" than is normally the case. It's not just a 9-5 job but can encompass periods of study, volunteering or even entrepreneurship.

A website you might want to check out for job hunting tips and advice - Susan Musich's blog www.passportcareer.com/blog/

If you can't earn, maybe you can learn - anything from a degree (local or distance learning, the local language or even a local craft. I met a woman recently who learned chinese knotting while living in Hong Kong and now earns her living in Canada teaching it at a local art centre.

Can you volunteer? I'm not thinking bake-sales, but maybe you could work at a local business council, board of trade or some professional group where you could get valuable experience for your resume(and maybe contacts for a paying job).

Would local laws allow you to start your own business? Many trailing spouses turn into entrepreneurs and develop portable careers. Jo Parfitt's book "A Career in your Suitcase" was one of the first on the topic and offers advice that is still very relevant.

Can you build yourself a local group of likeminded women to brainstorm ideas? A real world support network would make you feel a whole lot better.

At six months into the assignment you are at what is typically a very low point for most expats. The honeymoon phase is long gone and yet you haven't yet found your feet. Hang in there . . . it WILL get better.

Hello silverbridge I can sympathise and identify with so much of your post!

We moved for DH's job 10 months ago and I've been fairly miserable and unhappy for a lot of that time! The whole thing has been a roller-coaster of emotions. I feel very lonely and isolated - not helped by living in a small town. We also need to stay 2 years (or risk paying back relocation costs) - this definitely makes me feel very trapped.

The first 3 months I made a real effort to go to 'meet up' groups and every possible social gathering but now feel myself retreating into shell and giving up. Also feel it has put marriage under strain as I feel I have given up more and have to bear the brunt of the difficulties/culture shock.

Thank you thank you thank you. I've almost become teary reading all these sympathetic and supportive messages. I should have come onto MN way sooner and saved myself months of loneliness and grief.

There are some really helpful suggestions here and especially a bit of needed perspective. Getting a job is my top priority and as a dual career family, DH wouldn't have accepted this move if we knew that I was going to be stuck at home. Saying that, if getting a job is really not going to happen I clearly need a Plan B so I don't destroy my marriage out of resentfulness. Even worse is how little patience I have with DD :(. I really need to pull myself together.

You've all given me good food for thought. I need to hear that careers can be resurrected after lulls. I have become fatalistic about everything and therefore am especially furious about the decision to move. I need patience & to remember I have contacts and a good professional reputation so I can always pick up again at a later date. There was no option to transfer here as no presence. In retrospect, I should have confirmed employment somewhere before we came over. But I knew someone who walked into a job in a similar field within weeks of her arrival (albeit younger/more junior role). It seemed like it would be dead easy.

Mourning for my life is a good way of putting how I've been feeling. I didn't even get the 6 month expat honeymoon period. I wanted to be happy and feel adventurous, but I've been low since arrival. That also makes it hard to socialise. When I go to work related events I can put on my professional persona and be positive. When I'm sitting around at a coffee morning I have nothing to talk about except how much I hate my life right now! Sad but true.

Just reading your messages makes me feel better, especially those from you who have been here or are here.

I can also sympathise entirely with you silverbridge, red and others on this thread. I moved over 2 years ago as dh's job was transferred to the States and have been at home the entire time with my dcs. Last week I started teaching a course with community learning which is the first time I have worked in 3 years. It's only 2 hours a week and it has partly made me happy and partly reminded me of what I am missing out on career-wise. I hope you find something you want to do and/or make the most of the opportunities there are where you live. (You never said where you are?)

I have the opposite problem,dh relocated for me and he has been without work for 18months. It has caused enormous strain and we split briefly. He has had to return to his home and take up his old job temporarily as much for the money as for his sanity.
I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone, we long for the day that both of us can be the same location and both working.

if the local language is not a problem, can you work within your field (more or less) on a voluntary unpaid basis to keep your oar in?

I would not personally take a junior position but I can see why you are considering it.

Hope things improve for you soon and you see a viable way forward. You didn't mention your line of work but could you publish - articles related to your field in some manner, something like that?