How do you maintain a relationship with everyone back home?

[YunoYurbubson]

We moved abroad a couple of years ago. No choice really, it was that or redundancy and no way of paying the mortgage.

I am happy enough here, have a busy life and lots of friends.

What I don't seem to have any more is any sort of relationship with my family.

No one has ever been to visit us. We go back as often as we can, but that's not as often as we would like because we simply can't afford it. We've been back 4 times.

Initially we spoke fairly often on Skype, but now I am lucky if I speak to my parents once every 3 weeks, and my brothers every few months.

I used to speak often to my Granny, but her circumstances have changed and now I can hardly speak to her at all. I am really missing her.

It almost as though... the fine nuances of a relationship can't be maintained long distance, so everyone has stopped bothering. They don't know the small details of my life and I don't know theirs, so as long as they know we're broadly fine that's enough. It is making me feel really lonely and left out.

It's not as though I am expecting them to phone us - we always do the phoning, and even set various family menbers up with skype cameras and stuff. But I get the feeling I am pestering them with irrelevances when I phone for a chat.

My mum recently said something about not being on the phone too long as it was expensive, and I said it was fine, and she made some sharp little comment about how nice it must be to not worry about the "little expenses" of long international phone calls.

It is not that they don't love us, it is just that they have put us on hold until we get back. Then we can pick up where we left off. I feel rejected.

My initial reaction to your thread title is that we don't...

I feel heartbroken about it at times and other times I just accept that since we moved away, life has moved on for those we left behind.

Our phone never rings and my email inbox is only full of junk mail or group mailings from the Expat groups we have joined.

I have the same attitude that you do about being the one to make the calls but I would love it if the family and friends on the receiving end would enjoy the time we get to spend chatting. The only person who takes the time to talk with my dcs is my mil...

I guess that I have recently come to accept that unless we move back home that there won't ever be the kind of connection that I am longing to feel.

We have been away for most of the last 12 years and I don't anticipate a return home in the near future. Do you think that you will go back soon?

My parents have made an effort to visit us and we make it home once every two years but it feels artificial and more about tourism than a proper visit.

I'm sorry for not being much help.

Oh Cadmum, it's hard isn't it.

"Our phone never rings and my email inbox is only full of junk mail or group mailings from the Expat groups we have joined. " YES!! Exactly that.

I don't know when we will move back. We are not in the expat catch 22 of moving abroad to make some money, and now not being able to afford to move back. Certainly not in the next 3 years. 5 probably, if I'm honest.

I know it was us who moved, and I have no right to feel angry, but I do feel angry sometimes.

we are now* in the expat catch 22...

I can completely relate.

But then I have to remind myself that their lives/routines are largely the same - just without us in the picture.

We are the ones who moved away, and it is our lives that are now completely different. They are our lifeline back home, and what makes us feel connected. When they are unavailable or seem disinterested it feels like a big rejection.

i have found that it sometimes helps to arrange a regular time to speak so that our phone time is scheduled, and 'in their diary' so won't be ringing at an inconvenient time. And I have long ago accepted that I will be the one doing all the ringing and emailing.

Earlybird I am sorry that you are in the same boat. I used to plan the calls and then I would have everyone on our end ready only to find that the phone (or skype) just rang and rang. It was more depressing that the random connections especially for my dcs who just couldn't understand why the family member had forgotten.

I think that it seemed more important for our friends and family to stay in touch with us when our dcs were babies and toddlers because they were afraid of missing milestones. Now that they can actually have a decent conversation there is nobody to listen.

Reading about your granny made me especially sad YunoYurbubson. Both of my paternal grandparents died while we were away and I hated not having been there for either of them.

I don't like the fact that my children have a passport for a country to which they feel little connection. I suppose that it is unrealistic of me to expect people to carve time out of their 'real lives' to fit us in.

I fully understand that the onus is on us to stay in touch but I do send regular emails with photos and seldom even receive a reply. It is rare for us to see photos of other people's children or family events.

I started a photo-blog when we moved to Cambodia in April and it has had over 600 hits so I know that family DO look at our photos and blurbs but there are fewer than 10 comments. I can imagine how busy they must all be but it hurts especially when we experience life's little crises and feel desperately alone.

I've not found that my relationship with my family has changed very much, but we've only been away for two years which perhaps is different. Plus although we did meet up every now and then our relationship was largely by phone when we were in the UK, so in some ways it hasn't changed that much.

I have found that Skype is very unsatisfactory, and use it very rarely (sometimes the children like to talk to their cousins in Australia, but I find it too similar to teleconferences at work, oddly distant and disjointed.

So we use a VOIP service, which means we still have a UK phone number, and all calls are free. That way if family want to ring they just pay for a London call, and we've kept the number through two international and one local move, which again makes things easier.

I usually ring my parents once a fortnight and my siblings on the other weekend. There is an eight hour time difference, so I ring in the mid morning and it's 8sh in the UK, which is when I would have spoken to them at home. Ringing my sister in Australia is much more difficult because the time difference isn't very conducive (17 hours forward) and I think that's a real issue for her.

The main issue for us is that my siblings are all having tough times economically and it is very expensive flying over here (Western Canada) so we've not seen them since we moved, and won't see them until next year when my parents are paying to fly us back for their Golden Wedding anniversary. So my children are losing touch with their cousins which is sad. I'm very envious of my cousins in NYC as flights there are comparatively much cheaper and shorter (and people want to visit NYC more too!).

The sad thing I found is everyone responds more frequently when things are not going well.
I get replies to emails and return phone calls when I relate bad news or moan about how difficult things are.
I feel they are jealous we are living a 'glamourous life abroad', and they are 'stuck at home' and when I tell them about nice stuff we've done, they respond less.
I end up emphasizing life's underbelly, and this really irritates DH who feels I am not enjoying or appreciating our life, but it seems the only way I can connect with friends and family.

I feel strangely comforted by this thread as I've found it hard keeping in touch with family. I do speak to my folks a few times a week, but mainly my dad as he's retired and at home more. With my mum it's really tricky as she's out all the time, and can't use email/skype etc, so she always makes a big deal of us talking when all I really want is a chat.

I do have a regular phone date with my best friend that works really well - we try to make it the same time each week, but if one of us is busy we text with a different time.

I do phone for grandma, dad, sister and rely on email/FB for everyone else. IN fact FB has been a blessing since my Aunt died earlier this year - I am actually in touch with all my cousins for the first time in many years. I would like to ring friends but we never had that habit when I was in UK.

We are experiencing the same thing. It is especially difficult for my dh at the moment. I moved away from home when I was 19yo but we moved together to Geneva 2 years ago.

He finds it very upsetting that friends rarely phone, and if they do it is to discuss their problems.

Don't laugh, it sounds trite, but Facebook has made a big difference to how aware we all are of what is going on with everyone, good and bad.

My family and friends are all over the world, and many are hopeless at phoning or emailing, but they post photos and news on Facebook which can spark off an email chat or phone call, so it has made a huge difference to how in touch we all feel with everyone else.

I feel the same way. I had a lot of friends drop off the radar when I first moved away. I now keep in contact with maybe 3 friends from home. But it is me doing all the work. Emailing, ringing etc. No one ever rings me and I wonder if it is becuase they expect me to do it.

I have stopped ringing now. I want them to ring me. I am moving back after 5 years away so it will be interesting to see what happens.

I moved over 30 years ago and go back once or twice a year; whenever I go back I see as many people as possible to catch up. For this reason I never go at Christmas anymore; everyone is too busy.

However, like castille; I have found Facebook marvellous for low level keeping in touch with people and what they are doing. I have also used it to reconnect with people I had lost contact with. I even play Scrabble on Facebook with my sister in Australia and friends from our home; often three or four handed games. Silver surfing at its best.

I know how you feel. It seems like 'out of sight, out of mind'in many cases. We moved back after 4 years abroad and I am now not good friends with some people I would have classed as 'good friends' before we went. People's lives move on and if you are not around it is harder to move on with that friendship.

I did find it easier with family when we were away. My family used a service called 'telediscount' which gave cheap calls abroad just by using a number in front of the number they were calling. It then comes up as a special service on their bill. That made a huge difference to them calling as it was as cheap as them calling a local number. Might be worth googling to see if it is still around. I agree Skype is quite difficult as yoiu stare at each other. I also do think people think you are living a life of luxury when away. They don't seem to realise that even in a hot climate family life is as busy as ever.

I think living away can be quite hard at times but just remember the benefits as well!

My Dad & I phone every week or more if there´s something to tell.
Husband & ILs phone each other every week.

I email friends/chat on FB regularly.

Dad visits twice once year once the next.

ILs don´t visit(Yay!)

Yuno, you can set up a "skype in" number so essentially people just call a London number and it re-routes. If you're not on skype you nominate a mobile number for it to come through to - that should stop the "it's expensive" stuff.

Ironically DH just cancelled his after three years where nobody used it anyway but maybe your family would be better!

I thought it was just me. Have been in the UK for 15 years now. I love were we live, people are really great and it feels like home in a sense but I agree that trying to get family to come and visit is sooo hard. We go once a year to visit the family, my sister came once before she had Dcs (9 and 7 now)because "it is too hard to travel with 2 dcs" (we have 4 ourselves but apparently it is much easier for us). She once reduced me to tears as I was inviting her,again, and she said something like "oh DH does not really like England" and here was me thinking she might actually want to see me.

I am still very close to my parents though through phone and skype and also managed to come here after each dcs birth and amazingly for a couple of days without any reason last december. I keep contact with cousins via FB but it very seldomly.

I have family all over the world, and family who has stayed in the UK all their lives. I find it very easy to maintain a relationship with the well-travelled and far flung members of my family but I have hardly any relationship at all with those who have been in the UK all their lives and will never move.

This summer my aunt and uncle from LA came to see us in Paris, and my cousin, husband and grown-up children were all in England at the same time as me and we met up several times. But I only saw one of my UK based cousins!

That's interesting Bonsoir. Do you consider you maybe have less in common with them as they haven't travelled as widely?

Oh definitely Portofino. The travelling part of my family have all been to visit me many times and vice versa - and we all are interested in other lives in far flung places and are generally a widely travelled lot, educated in international schools, multi-lingual etc. And then there are the others, who tend to be very involved in their local communities.

"Provincial" do you mean?

They don't necessarily live in the provinces. I have a cousin in London - an architect - who spends all her spare time in art galleries. I don't think she is provincial.

We are at "home" but my sisters live in Paris and Singapore. My parents-in-law are in Washington DC.

I find Skype a godsend, especially for the little ones. We try and skype once a week but it is harder with Singapore because of the time difference.

I have a Blackberry with camera; I take random pics of the children and send those to my MIL and sisters. My MIL has started doing the same so that my children can see what the in-laws are up to.

I love FB too, esp for the Singapore sister who travels a lot.

I make a big effort to keep in touch, talk to my mum once a week and my brother a little less often. My parents are getting on, so they don't come here much (although twice last year after DD was born and my DH was working away during the week). In fact we are building a guest house at the moment, to encourage people to come more often, as we only have 2 bedrooms! Luckily we're not too far away, so I go home for summer and Christmas. My brother has only been twice in 7 years, and my sil and nephews, once. The onus is defl'ly on me to go and see them, even with young DCs (18 mths&nearly 4).

I fully understand that if you live too far away to visit/be visited in person often, it would be much, much harder to maintain the relationship. I nearly stayed in Ecuador, where I was living with someone, but inthe end it wbeing too far form fmily (among other things) which stopped me.

I too love FB, especially to see my friends' DCs. Phone close friends occasionally, forlong chats. We have a cheap phone deal too. tried that free number deal once but only about one person phoned me! have a blog, but very bad about writing it.

OP, I find this very difficult, and probably the hardest element of living overseas. Also probably the thing most likely to one day make DH and I give up living abroad and move back to the UK.

In the meantime, yes, Skype, facebook, etc etc really help. I make a huge amount of physical and financial effort to go back to the UK every 2/3 months with dc (DH comes about 3 times a year).

It's a big effort, isn't it. I think if I moved outside of Europe, I would find it even harder. I think I need to develop more of a brass neck and stop feeling guilty about every nuance of disappointment in the fact I live abroad in phonecalls with close family.