What to expect with FIL with diverticulitis - refusing operation

[DoneWithThisShizzle]

My FIL was diagnosed with diverticulitis over 4 years ago and is slowly declining.

He isn't taking good care of himself to help his symptoms such as keeping hydrated, gentle exercise or quitting smoking. He takes no heed of MIL and her advice but expects her to support him through this. She has health issues of her own and we can see she is struggling with this.

He can barely function in the morning with pain and needing to be near the toilet. He's lost loads of weight and often looks like death walking.

About four months ago we found out that he wasn't on the register for an operation and have urged him to pursue it. He has now had some tests done and has been advised by the specialist that he can have the operation but that he needs to improve his chances of surviving the surgery by getting fitter and quitting smoking.

He has now decided that he doesn't want to risk the operation.

It's hard to know how to feel about this. He's a grown man who can make his own decisions but it's frustrating that he's decided that we (myself, DH and MIL) get to watch and care for him as he declines at home. He is not making any preparations for this and is basically putting his head in the sand.

What I want to know is if anyone has any experience on what we can expect this disease to do to him as it progresses and if you have any advice to share on what measures we can put in place to support both FIL and MIL.

Thank you for reading this far.

I’m not sure there is much you can do other than support MIL and ensure FIL accepts external carers and goes into residential nursing home if necessary.

Let him look after himself as that’s his decision

This sounds a bit unusual, OP (I’m a GP, for what it’s worth) - diverticular disease is common in older people and, while it can cause constipation and bleeding, and sometimes bouts of infection (diverticulitis), it is rarely progressive and life-limiting in the way you’re describing. Surgery only tends to be done where there are serious complications (eg a perforation or abscess) - has he had something like this happen?

This is part of the problem. He has told us on a number of occasions that they will not be going into care homes and will be looking after each other.

I've jokingly offered to help MIL by lining up a divorce lawyer but she didn't take me up on it.

Im 67 had it years with flares of diverticulitis.. if infected l get antibiotics.. never ever heard of surgery unless it's perforating or some kind of cysts.

Thanks for sharing your knowledge. He's had polyps removed and a perforation. He's also had an infection, which I believe he is now prone to get. He's on painkillers which seem to barely touch the sides.

Diverticulitis is very common and rarely needs surgery. If he slowly build up the amount of fibre he has, the symptoms will probably settle. (It does need to be slowly done to prevent a flare up)

DP has it sometimes, as did my aunt and several of my in-laws. It's usual the over 50s who are affected.

As long as he's keeping away from ibuprofen etc he should find it settles down.

Thank you but he's way past upping his fibre now. He's had a perforation and infection and has been offered an operation to get a colostomy.

My sister has diverticulitis and has been told she will almost certainly need surgery in the future. She is very careful about what she eats but still has regular "flare ups". She's in her early 50's.

Yeah they all say that. But when MIL can no longer cope he will have to accept professional carers.

I hope you're right. He can be unbelievably stubborn.

Have they got all their legal stuff sorted. PoAs, tenants in common, Wills, split joint assets etc. MiL needs her share protecting. No one thinks they'll need outside help, but it's best to plan. I looked after my late father for over ten years, six of those as live in. He needed residential care towards the end and it was just under £2k a week. That sort of cost soon burns through assets.

I don't think they have. We've tried bringing up the subject but he changes it. As much as we know, they are slowly making improvements to their house so that they have something to leave to be inherited.