When to tell children about a grandparent terminal diagnosis?

[HEC2746]

Sorry if this is the wrong board, I wasn’t sure where to put it.

DM has had cancer for a year, and we’ve just been told that there are no further treatment options. She may have 6-12 months, we’re not sure at this point. She’s unwell due to other health issues too now but as far as the children are aware right now, she’s poorly because of the cancer and the treatment and she can’t do much at all, but she still visits and they’re not questioning much.

I really don’t know how or whether to tell them right now. My gut says give it another few months without worry and then when DM starts to deteriorate tell them that the treatment hasn’t worked. The children are 14 and 9. I’m concerned that a year or so is a very long time for them to sit with this information, but also reading suggests to tell them sooner rather than later.

It doesn’t help that I have literally just found out too so am all over the place at the minute.

Any thoughts or advice would be very much appreciated.

We told ours as appointments happened, so as grandad went to hospital I would tell them ‘grandad is having xxx treatment this time. It’s to help with his pain. They can’t stop his cancer growing now / get rid of it’ and just answer questions honestly, so when they asked is grandad dying I’d say yes, I’m afraid he is.

’Grandads starting to get more poorly, he’s not able to spend so much time out of bed now / he’s losing weight’ etc

Recently I said to my son, if you want to spend time with grandad while he’s still able to sit out of bed and talk with you properly and eat at the table, I think you need to be doing that now.

Im sorry that you and your family are going through this.

I’m sorry, this must be very difficult for you having to consider your children while also dealing with your own grief.

Obviously it is dependent on the individual children, and also I would say on your mother’s views - it is her medical information. But my general feeling is that I would absolutely tell a 14 yr old if my mother was happy for that to happen. And then I wouldn’t want them to have to hide it, so I’d tell the 9 yr old as well.

I should probably say that this is how we are as a family, we don’t do big announcements or ‘secrets’ (for any of a better word). We talk very openly and factually about whatever is going on in life so this approach is not out of the ordinary for us. It might feel odd for others

I keep thinking about this and secrets isn’t the right word and sounds insulting, I don’t mean that. I mean when people protect people by not telling them stuff.

So adoption for example, some people don’t tell their kids to protect them but tell them later in life whereas outside have always known. That’s how we treat everything.

Anyway I’m waffling and that’s not the important thing.

The important thing is I’m sending unmumsnetty hugs to your whole family and wishing you a peaceful and loving time together, no matter how you manage this next bit with your kids.

It doesn’t help that I have literally just found out too so am all over the place at the minute.

This sounds like the key thing right now. Just for the moment, could you allow yourself the time to sit with it and deal with your own feelings, which must be so difficult. Over the next days or weeks it may well become evident what is the right and natural approach for you, for your mum and for your children.

For what it's worth, I don't think there needs to be a moment when you explicitly inform your children that the illness is terminal (unless they explicitly ask this question). Just on a day to day basis, as Leafy has said, you can give the various pieces of information that help them to build an increasing understanding of the situation. But you will know what is right for your family.

So sorry you are going through this.

I'm so sorry this is happening.

It's really tricky and only you know your children BUT we decided to be as honest as we could from the moment we knew that treatment wasn't curative. My child was much younger so we slowly introduced the idea of illness, then tried to explain chemo in an age appropriate way but the moment we knew the prognosis was only a few months we were honest about this. Children are much more observant than we give them credit for.

There's no rush to let them know immediately, especially as you're trying to process it all still yourself. Take some time and think about what feels right for you. There's lots of information available from charities about how to do this.

Be honest at that age, tell them that there’s no more treatments but we are going to makes there time left the best we can. If they are already aware of illness it won’t be that much of a shock, kids will be aware that it’s a possibility

Thank you so much everyone, these messages are so helpful.

We have been honest with the kids up until now, they’ve always known but for a long time this cancer have a very high cure rate until this other health issue occurred and has completely changed everything.

The 14yo will cope reasonably well but I’m worried about the 9yo, he’s a very sensitive lad who wears his heart of his sleeve and a whole year potentially of worrying this will be the last time I see Grandma might just be too much.

You’re all right though, I have no idea how I feel about this right now so I probably do need to sit with it for a while first.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. It's really, really, really fucking shit.
I am a couple of months further down the line from you with my dad. My children are 13 and 10, and my stepdaughter just turned 9. We told them all straight away. I couldn't have kept it in, they'd have known something was seriously wrong and worried more.
As it was, they were all very matter of a fact about it. Even my eldest who is 23... they just took it all in their stride and accepted that all lives must come to an end.
We've been given 18 months (brain cancer). So we are trying to make the most whilst grandad is post radiotherapy and well. I don't know if it will hit harder later down the line for them. I also don't think they understand that grandad is young (69) for this to have happened - he hadn't reached "old age". But I suppose to the children, he will be ancient. But the ability to process this has surprised me. Like you, I thought they'd react in certain ways. But they didn't. I'm glad I told them.

I’m sorry about your Dad, and thank you for sharing. Maybe you’re right and they will react differently. God I wish someone could just give you an answer sometimes.

I'm so sorry your family are going through this. I just came on to say whether the time is right now or later, please do tell them. I was an older teenager when my beloved grandmother's cancer became terminal. We were not a family where anything was ever discussed honestly or openly and I found out by overhearing conversations between my parents and putting 2 and 2 together. I have always regretted not being able to ask questions to.my.DF, and being too scared to see my DGM for the last 6 months of her life.

Wishing you all the best as you try and take in this sad news.

Thank you. I’m sorry that you found out like that. I will tell them and I’m erring towards sooner rather than later later, but not quite yet. I don’t think it’s really hit me yet to be honest.

I wouldn’t give them a prognosis or a timeline but I’d be honest about the fact she’s unwell and not likely to get better. Children aren’t stupid and they will be picking up more than you’re aware.

We’ve been down a long road with my mum. She’s been ‘dying’ for ages and is still hanging in there, now in a nursing home. My children are younger than yours (9 and 7) but they understand quite a bit. My youngest hasn’t liked visiting tbh- we’ve taken her in for a very brief hello and then taken her for walk pretty sharpish. My older one has felt upset ar different moments. It really hit her when she realised my mum wouldn’t ever be going home again. Tubes haven’t bothered her but that realisation really did.