I spent two years bedbound, not even able to go to my own Childrens birthday parties downstairs. Just basically a vegetable barely even able to move and speak. I spent those two years living in a permanent panic attack. Heart constantly racing and stomach constantly churning. I used to wonder if I’ve been a terrible person in my last life and hell was actually a place on Earth. I want to be with my children and they wanted to be with me but I just couldn’t be a mum. And before getting sick, I was.SUCH a good mum. After that I spent 18 months housebound. The joy I got from the smallest things is still with me. I smile every day when I’m able to brush my teeth.. Every shower feels like a spa day. Every moment with my children feels like some incredibly special gift. Even though I’m still limited. I get so much joy from the smallest things . every step I take is appreciated. Last summer I finally felt like I was basically healed. I was still using a wheelchair a lot, but I had access to everything in life. I even bagged myself a job of my dreams. And then a week before my start date I relapsed and ended up back in bed. And since then, I have slowly been rehabbing and getting better. With such determination and tenacity and grit and patience. I started applying for jobs again and I had my first interview tomorrow. But last week I had a bit of a dip back and I kept preparing for my interview in the hope that I would get better by then, but I didn’t and I had to withdraw my application just now.. again it was another amazing job that I would’ve got so much purpose and satisfaction from, using my skills to serve people and improve the world we live in.
just …… when will it end? Will it ever end? Am I just destined for this life of trying to get back to the career that I loved and then relapsing? And my husband having to work two jobs whilst I just lie around.
I am blessed to have what I have. But I long to go back to work. And The constant loss and grief of having to give up jobs and interviews is honestly overwhelming. Going back to work is more than just a job - it signals financial freedom, independence, recovery, and contributing to a world that needs people like me, and the joy of getting back on my career path - not feeling like I wasted my 20s working so hard for nothing.
There really isn’t anything that anybody could say to me that would change any of this. And I’m not sure if. I should even be posting on this forum. I just want at least one person to say ‘I hear you, I see you’ .