How to control crying

[TheHeartyJadeHiker]

This is probably a ridiculous thing to ask. But I’ve never been in this situation before.
a very good friends husband is dying of cancer. They’re young with kids and it’s been very quick. I am going round to support her to sit with him. I am not close to him as our friendship has always just been between the two of us.
I am still devastated for him and them all though - and have been very upset this last day or two as it is coming to it’s sad end. I do not want to go round and end up being an emotional mess whilst trying to support her and her kids. Any strategies you can advise to help stop the flow?!

With all due respect just remember it really isn’t about you. And your feelings shouldn’t get in the way of your support for your friend. And if you can’t avoid crying, don’t go. Make good or take away washing and return it ironed or take the kids out to the park or for food etc. but be practical help and not an emotional mess.

I know it isn’t, and that’s why I’m concerned about not being able to control it. She’s asked me to go, I haven’t asked to. So I couldn’t say no.

Just to clarify - I’m not worried about having a full on breakdown in front of her. But would rather not cry at all.

There's a difference between crying and supporting them, vs sobbing and weeping. You can't expect to turn yourself into stone. You have emotions and this is such a tragic time for all involved. Let the tears flow when they do, but you should be there to share the pain with your loved ones. That's why they need you.

Yes that’s true. Thankfully I’ve never had to support someone through a situation like this and just want to do the best for her I can.

That’s a very rude response. She’s asking here for advice, of course it’s going to be “about her”. This is the best place to ask for advice so she doesn’t burden her friend.

I’d be the same as you OP, I’m a hugely emotional person. In my opinion, she won’t mind you crying; in a way it’s validation of what a terrible situation she finds herself in. She’s asked you to go, which is really hard, and she clearly needs you. It’s ok to cry, it IS a terribly sad situation.

It’s ok to cry. Go there, comfort your friend and see if you can direct your energy into some practical help.
such a sad situation and crying is normal.

Have you seen the Circles of Grief theory? It's okay to cry, as long as you are careful you are not in such a state that you are leaning on her and her husband for support. Do you have other people you can talk to before you visit? It might help get some of it out of your system beforehand?

I think having a discreet slight tear in your eye is fine, and normal. Having been that mum, I wouldn't want someone sobbing and crying a lot, partly for the children and partly because I'd be thinking, how do you think I feel? I think it's ok to go and swallow it down a bit and then come home and cry to your husband or partner and offload that way. She doesn't have any capacity to support you right now, so whilst compassion, the odd tear and a hug is fine, you can't let all your own emotions about the situation out at her- like I say, think of ways you can get a bit of support yourself to support her in this situation. You sound like a good friend and you going will help her out, so try not to worry too much, tears are fine, you sobbing louder then her, not so fine.

I agree re the circles of grief. The person dying is at centre and everyone else is in circles around them. Very strong emotions should be directed to the next circle up, rather than back in towards the person. It’s really hard. But when I have been in similar situations, I have excused myself to go to bathroom and wept and/or gone for a quick walk outside. And been open that you feel very deeply but are very aware about not being another emotional burden for your friend .

What a difficult situation.

So incredibly sad that such a young man, husband & Dad is dying of cancer.

Your friend has asked you to support her sitting with him, so I'm assuming you're really close & she knows you well enough not to expect you not to cry? I think as long as you can do it without being a total mess it will be fine. If you cry too much the first time you can discuss it.

I'm a crier (even more so after my stroke. NO emotional resilience!) but my friends know this & would expect me to cry!

There is a difference between crying with someone and crying at them. If she's in floods of tears, a few tears discreetly rolling down your face as you comfort her is normal and probably comforting to her. If you're howling and sobbing on her shoulder and snotting in her hair, you're making it about you.

Try as much as possible to be led by her. Don't judge anything she says - people's brains go to all sorts of weird places to avoid stressful or traumatic situations - any or all of melodrama, silence, dark humour, random memories and grim practicality are normal.

Ask her what practical support would be useful for them as a family and her personally. And try to gently make sure she's getting some food, drinks and sleep.

Let it out. Cry hard if you have to, its much better to do this than hold it in and not allow it to come out. There is a good relief afterwards.

I think turning up and supporting your friend is the most important thing. She trusts you enough to ask for your help. Some people would be overwhelmed for whatever reason and back away from a situation like this. You are not doing that and are being a strong great friend. Take a bottle of water and have a drink of it if you feel you are going to cry that can help i find but above all well done for being there for this young family and best wishes to them and you, Îm sure if you cry your friend won’t hold it against you xx

Thanks all. Circles of grief is really helpful as something to focus on too.