My friend whose dad is dying

[Elektra1]

One of my best and oldest friend’s dad is dying. He’s had cancer for about 18 months and they were recently advised no more treatment, following which he’s taken a rapid turn for the worse. I’ve known this man since I was a girl, when I used to spend lots of time at their house, and have seen him regularly as an adult at her house over the years. He’s a lovely man:

Obviously my friend is distraught and is spending as much time as she can with her parents. What can I do to help/support her through this awful time? Her kids are older so she doesn’t need help with that. I know there’s nothing I can do or say to make it less upsetting but I want to be a comfort and the best friend I can be to her. I love her family.

You sound like a very caring friend. I lost my dad 7 years ago and what stands out from that time is the friends that came to see him, sit with him and chat even when he wasn’t really lucid. A couple of friends had known him since we were little girls and I really appreciated that. They would give him a kiss on the cheek and a cheery “see you soon X” when they left, nothing somber or final.
The friend that picked me up, took me for a coffee and dropped me home. I couldn’t really function during his last week but I so appreciated her doing that and giving me an hour out of the house.
sending best wishes to you friend and you all at this difficult time.

I think the most important time to be around is after the funeral. Not that I’m saying don’t be around now!

Thanks both. I’m not sure I should suggest I go to see him - he’s being cared for at home now (they have cancer nurses daily) but is quite confused she said and I feel that (a) being quite a “stiff upper lip” type, he may not want to be seen in such a frail state by people outside his family and (b) if they have very little time left together, I wouldn’t want to take up any of that time. I’ll keep checking in with my friend, see if I can visit her when she’s back at home. It’s so awful seeing a parent die. It hasn’t happened to me yet, but seeing my friends go through this is so so sad.

My mum died 3 years ago from cancer. There really isn’t anything you can do. Just message/call (not daily or too frequently) to check in. Text that you don’t expect a response but are thinking of them. Talk about other things rather than focus on the illness and the care. If your friend is there every day, ask if there is anything you can get in so she has food when she gets home.
My mum wouldn’t have wanted to see anyone outside the family or really close personal friends in the last couple of weeks.

Just checking back in here. My friend’s dad is still at home, but has declined very rapidly and the cancer nurses who visit daily have said it won’t be long. I was wondering what happens if someone dies at home in these circumstances. Who do you call once they’ve died? What happens?

When DH died at home I called 111 who sent out a doctor to verify, once his death was verified I was then able to call the funeral director to come and collect him.

When my dad was on end of life it was really difficult fitting in real life too. I ended up eating crap as I had no time for shop or cook properly. One friend dropped a couple of casseroles off, which was so nice after a load of ready meals. You could ask her if she needs anything doing - walking the dog/shopping etc.

I called the hospice nurses & the GP. The cancer nurses will tell them what to do.
From a practical point, flatten the bed & turn the heating off in the room.

Cook a fish pie or a cottage pie and drop it off ... she won't be eating properly I bet. A good friend did this for me, I was ever so grateful.

You were very lucky. Took many hours for a doctor to come out to certify death ... about 11. Absolutely terrified of the dog, who would never have bitten anyone or even growled. Then he said he didn't think he could remove the morphine needle in his arm without damaging the skin ... told him not to bother, we'd do it ourselves.

Why? Our wait was similar to yours and his syringe driver also wasn't removed until the nurse came just before the funeral directors came.

So sorry about your friend's dad. Our GP came out for a meeting when DH was moved on to palliative care, and wasn't able to get the the doctor's surgery. He explained the process to me, so I knew what I would need. Could your friend talk to a GP if there is time? For me, I was told to ring the doctor's surgery if DH died during working hours, or 111 if he died outside. I was also told to say it was an expected death - I think this meant that the person I spoke to was able to miss out a range of questions and I was very grateful for that. Then I had to wait for an out of hours doctor to come and see DH, and officially certify his death. This took about 4 hours, but we live rurally and she had come quite a way. The first copy had his date of birth so I had to get her to change it. Tell your friend to check everything. The doctor had to phone in and get advice on removing the syringe driver but she was able to do get that done. I had looked up and chosen an undertaker (I knew I would cope better if I was prepared and didn't have to think about it all in that moment) so I knew that I couldn't phone them til his death had been certified. They were so kind. DH died at 11.15pm so it was nearly 4am by this time. They gave me the option to wait, but I live in a very public spot on the road so they came straight out so he could be taken privately in the dark, which is what he would have wanted. I found everyone very kind and gentle at a really horrible time.
You are such a kind friend, thinking about what she needs to know and giving her such practical and thoughtful help. The questions she needs answers for are hard to ask.

Thank you all for your posts. I am sorry for your losses.

My friend’s dad died over the weekend. I suppose at least his demise was not drawn out, and she had time to talk to him and hopefully say all the things she wanted to say.

I’ll take her some meals this week and make sure she knows she can call me any time.

I was in a similar position when my dad died. During my childhood my family was friends with another family and their dad died. My dad did a lot to help them out. When my dad died my childhood friend wrote me the sweetest letter telling me of all the things he had done to help them. It meant a lot to me. Perhaps you could do the same for your friend.