Has anyone had family minimise and not believe their diagnosis?

[Glooo]

Recently diagnosed with cancer. Surgery is this week and radiotherapy next month. A biopsy will determine aggressiveness of the tumour behaviour and then prognosis. Some family members have minimised what I am going thru. One said ‘you don’t have cancer’ another ‘they caught it early’ - another expressed concern for emotional distress and hope ‘procedure’ goes well. Has anyone else experienced anything similar?

What would you like them to do? Unless they have been through it themselves, they might not intuitively know. Can you ask them for what you need? Some of them may also be in denial due to their own fears.

When people I've known are diagnosed with cancer I've gone to appointments with them, helped them by bringing them things in hospital, visited, helped with meals, been a listening ear. Other than those practical things, I'm not really sure what is right to do? I offer, they accept or decline. If they want anything else, they will need to ask as I don't know.

It is good they caught your cancer early and I do wish you the best with a long, healthy future when this journey is done.

Apart from the you dont have cancer which is clearly wrong the other sound like being reassuring…

I completely get this. My mum had stage 4 secondary breast cancer (terminal).

My father just would not accept it, the eternal ostrich, burying his head in the sand. We went to see the consultant and father just said "she'll be fine" ... I couldn't fathom it, it was very unhelpful, but it was his very unhelpful way of coping.

I wish you all the luck in the world for a speedy recovery.

I don't think they don't believe you - I think they're worried and either trying to reassure you or themselves.

Yeah, I think this too.

I hope it’s this, otherwise it’s really shitty and unsupportive.

OP I hope you’re Ok.

It's too early to panic. Hope you will be OK

They don't want it to be true. They know it is but they aren't ready to think the unthinkable yet ❤

You may have all of this and still recover. I'd also ask for this to be moved to the cancer section. You don't have a life limiting/end stage diagnosis.

Oh come on. I'm in the middle of cancer treatment. Noone knows what to say or do for the best, I minimized it as it was the way I dealt with it . Everything anyone says is wrong, it's either minimising or smothering and too much
The waiting is the anxious part , and yes let's hope they have caught it early. What's wrong with anyone saying that?
The people around you are worried , they are also going through this anxiety , cut them some slack. Just wait until they start giving you advice they've found on TikTok , or saying prayers for you :)
Everyone means well

"It is good they caught your cancer early and I do wish you the best with a long, healthy future when this journey is done."

Unless @Glooo has another thread, I would think this is exactly what she's talking about. She doesn't know they've caught it early (biopsy to determine tumour behaviours is this week) and you can't possibly predict a long, healthy future. This sort of sentiment makes you feel better but it can make someone going through it just feel more alone and misunderstood.

@Glooo I hope you get the answers you need soon and that your team has a great plan once they know what's happening. Hopefully your family will be supportive once the situation is clearer.

I’ve recently had bowel cancer, luckily treatable, but have found similar. I think people just don’t know what to say and are trying to be reassuring.

I’ve also had people sending me info on fasting diets, and vitamins etc, or telling me I shouldn’t be poorly after chemo because their friend wasn’t, or telling me about everyone they know who died from cancer. Or trying to discuss it in detail with my children at the school gate. And numerous people telling my children that they need to step up and look after me.

I think that it does all come from a kind place, but some of it is intensely irritating.

The friend who has been most supportive has been able to be so because she’s unfortunately already walked this path with a parent, so she knows what it’s like.

Everyone deals with this scenario differently. When I was diagnosed those sort of phrases are exactly what I said about my own situation. I coped by thinking about the best outcomes and emphasising these to others. I would have hated family and friends expressing gloom and despondency around me.

The bit that surprises me is “you don’t have cancer”. Did they give any context for saying this?

i agree with @Maddy70

I’m also in the middle of treatment and have secondary cancer. People tend to ignore the secondary cancer and focus on whether the primary is treatable when speaking to me. That seems to be what your family and friends are doing. I think it’s natural. At the moment yours could well be primary and treatable and in a couple of years you will be well again and this will just be a shitty period you went through - let’s hope it is . All the best @Glooo

It might be my bad. I thought she was saying that it was caught early, but those were the words of a family member, so may not be accurate. I do apologise for that.

I do think it's fine to give good wishes for healing and a good future past the illness.

If it is recent, they may be in full on denial.
Not helpfull to you, but understandable.
I hope your treatment goes well OP. Fingers crossed for you.

I've found you get that sort of thing for any medical condition. It does get tiring. If as going vegan, for example, would fix everything and anything.

I'm glad your cancer was treatable. Yes, people who have 'been there' can often be the best support.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/cancer/5476592-cancer-support-thread-98-support-for-those-diagnosed-and-going-through-treatment?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

just also to say that people on cancer journeys are very welcome on our support thread. Nobody says things like “they caught it early” or other wanky things, we just chat and share our experiences 🤗

I get what you mean @Glooo, we had similar when DS2 was diagnosed with a brain tumour at 5 years old. It felt like people were trying to tell us to stop talking about it/stop worrying etc by minimising the situation.

in hindsight, I think people were trying in a clumsy way to be nice and reassuring, but I remember the feeling well! It made me feel like I couldn’t talk to them about my worries

Just came across this and I definitely recognise the minimising from friends and family (different health concern in my case but same dynamic). It doesn’t reassure me or cheer me up, I just makes me feel like I’m not able to talk about my concerns with anyone because they just want to dismiss all of it. I understand it, it’s not easy to know what to say. But I’d be happy if they’d stop offering unsolicited advice…

This is normal when there are still unknowns, as there is in your case, they don't want to jump to a worst case scenario. The fact you've posted in life limiting illness, rather than cancer, might suggest you have a tendency to jump to the worst conclusions and they are trying to reassure you that you aren't there yet, that's all. However you cope is up to you, but other than the "you don't have cancer," line the others are normal things to say, from a kind place to try and make you feel better.

It's okay to take the lead and tell them how upset and scared you are though, this isn't a sign they won't have your back.

Good luck, I hope the treatment goes as well as possible.

I get a lot of ‘when he’s back to normal’ from my MIL about DH who had a serious stroke a couple of years ago - it’s frustrating because it seems to minimize what’s happening right now - which is tough.

Everyone is different - “they caught it early” is comforting to many. Denying is odd though

I had (well, have but only a little remains) a brain tumour. I totally understand where you’re coming from. Comments like you’ve described, while we all agree are well-meaning and come from a place of love (and often not knowing what to say), feel like they minimise your situation and don’t acknowledge the awfulness of it. They may make the giver feel better (and yes, friends and family may be struggling with the diagnosis too) but they make you feel worse. The friends and family whose support meant the most to me acknowledged that it was a shit situation and I had an unknown journey ahead of me. I didn’t need reassurances - after all, what reassurance can anyone actually give when the future is unknown and they’re not medical professionals? - but understanding and for people to feel the awfulness with me. People who tried to put a positive spin on it or ‘look on the bright side’ made me feel like I wasn’t allowed to feel my own feelings about it.

Best wishes to you.