I lived this…. My mother never faced her prognosis and the whole family had to play a “game” pretending she could be kept going. Even when they said no more treatment for her cancer my mother wanted to live in each moment and we couldn’t take that away from her. Her death - her choice.
So 20 years later I would say that comfort comes to me from the moments I remember saying lovely things to her- I am satisfied she knew how much I loved her and as the end days passed I just said little loving things in a general “you’re great” way. I wrote her little cards to find when she woke up from sleeping.
I think your nephew should be encouraged to comfort her by sitting talking with her and slipping in what he is comfortable with by way of appreciation. Tell him it is good for her to feel loved as she copes with each day. This time is precious but he doesn’t need to feel pressured into goodbye speeches. It’s not like on the tv! Just “helping” her by being there is enough. Just short “visits” is enough. But he may not be ready for that.
I know it is very difficult as some men run as far away as they can in this situation (my brother left home completely). Too much emotion…..
So I would be sure to tell her myself something that can later be told to your nephew. We know my Mum understood what my brother was doing as they were very very close. For both of them, parting had to be like this. But I told my Mum I’d always be there for my brother and hopefully it gave her something. He knows I comforted her.
I knew she couldn’t have long left but the silence of her not facing the truth was overwhelming but no one wanted to “break” her. She was in terrible pain and had chosen this way.
Some in the family were very shocked when she died as she had basically “misled” them, but as I say, we are comforted that she did it her way. It wouldn’t be for everyone but it was what she could bear. And after a long exhausting battle with illness, who were we to take that away? The hospice staff caring for her at home said it was not uncommon. If she asked they would say, but if she didn’t….
So I think be gentle with all concerned and accept that they will get through as best they can in their chosen path. They will do things AT THEIR OWN PACE, not anybody else’s. It won’t be perfect like a film. It will be messy.
My thoughts are with you all. Just be there for them, but let them navigate this in ways that they can cope with.
It will be a very long road for your nephew, but she wants to parent him and protect him. Some will judge but it’s how she has always parented. She hasn’t become a different person now she is ill. Forcing it does not serve her needs at this time. It’s how she wants things.
We are comforted today that we respected my Mum. As did all the medical professionals who were around at the end.
I send love.