How much care do you provide?

[DustyLee123]

DF wants to be at home, DB wants DF at home. DF has been offered a nursing home, fully funded due to palliative care, and I’d prefer he went there with us visiting lots and taking him out while we can. What’s the compromise?

No compromise is best if your dear father wants to be at home. Find out if your local hospice has an "at home" service. Alternatively cod he spend some time in the hospice for respite.

Why do you prefer the nursing home for him?

Because we have to be with him 24 hours a day due to his condition. Nursing home would be a safe place for him.

If he has medical needs requiring 24 hour care and constant supervision, how does your DH propose this is done at home? It is 3 x 8 hour nursing shifts, hospital bed, hoists, and all the other equipment required. Do you have the space for all that?

My parent insisted on dying at home, then changed their mind at the last minute, on a Bank Holiday weekend. The nursing home was lovely and a much calmer environment. The staff were very experienced with EoL care and were very caring with us.

It is a very traumatic situation to be in though, so tread carefully.

Even the palliative nurse who discussed discharge asked me if him at home is what I really want, and so I had to say yes as it’s what DF and DB want. She looked at me like I was mad.
We won’t get to sleep at his house when we are there over night as he’s up several times, then if he deteriorates we are on our own with a number to call, and who knows how far away that person is and when they could get to us. It feels like a huge responsibility.

In all honesty I agree with you. My late aunt was in a hospice for the last couple of months of her life. It was a wonderful place full of people who were caring and understanding of her needs. I don't think there is any way that level of care could be provided at home. Hospices also allow you to be their loved one and to spend quality time with them. When you are caring for someone you get very little of that as all your time and energy is taken up meeting their physical needs.

You need to consider yourself OP - what’s your situation? I would agree with you that the best and safest place from a care pov is the care home. I would be clearly saying that but also adding that if DF and DB (assuming you do mean your brother here) are insistent then you can do XYZ hours and no overnights.

I think this is what I’m going to have to say, no overnights for me.

I absolutely agree with what you’ve written, I want to be a loving daughter, not a resentful frazzled nurse/cook/cleaner.

Just another thing - what is your DB like? Is he likely to really step up? In my experience most men don’t step up, they like to say the right thing but aren’t good at the doing. You’re then potentially setting yourself up to fail as it’ll be blamed on you as you aren’t doing enough. If they insist let your DB drive all the decisions and very much take a back seat and be clear at every step that you don’t think him being at home is best for anyone.